The Onion Movie Page #2

So, what do you say to

all the concerned parents out there?

Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand

what all the fuss is about.

My music isn't about sex.

It's about being a girl

and having fun.

But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees,"

Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?

Ew. It's about how...

like, when you have

a big crush on a boy...

sometimes you get down on your knees

and, like, beg for their love.

# Oh, I got so much love

I need to show it #

What about your first big hit,

"Take Me From Behind"?

"Take Me From Behind"

isn't sexual at all.

It's about love sneaking up on you.

You know, like from the behind.

You know, it could be a boyfriend's love

sneaking up on you...

or a friend's or even Jesus Christ.

# But what I really want is for

you to take me from behind #

# Oh, yeah #

# Oh, yeah #

# Oh #

# Oh, oh #

#When you love me right up front

you know that I don't mind #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

Let's talk about the song,

"Lollipop Love."

"Lollipop Love" is...

the kind of love

that is just really sweet...

and you just kind of want to lick it,

you know, and suck it.

# Lollipop

Hey, yeah #

# Lollipop #

# Love #

# Lollipop #

# Love

Baby, baby #

# Lolly, lolly, lolly

lollipop #

# Oh-ho, lollipop love #

Like a lollipop.

What about the song

"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"?

That's about how, like,

when you're in love...

you just wanna be covered in it.

# Shoot your love all over me #

# Oh, drown me in a milky sea #

# Love all over me #

But clearly, the video

seems to tell a different story.

What kind is that?

- The kind with a... cum shot.

- I'm a virgin.

How would I know what a facial is?

Sometimes I like dressing up

sexy in my videos...

but that's just my way

of celebrating being a woman.

You know, people are always

gonna try to tear you down...

but that's their problem, not mine.

Because I know

who Melissa Cherry is.

She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl

from Monroe, Tennessee.

# Baby ##

The pope condemned

three more glands today...

bringing the total number

of sinful hormone secretion ducts...

on the human body to 11.

In international news...

relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan

continued to deteriorate...

when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a-

Hey, Norm.

Hey, Norm. Okay.

- Oh, there goes Norm again.

- He looks pissed.

Onion tip line.

What do you got?

Hey, Norm. What's up?

Hey, Norman.

What the hell was that?

We'd, uh, been meaning

to talk to you about that.

Um, it's Globie.

It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.

Yeah, the folks at Global

Tetrahedron thought he'd be...

you know, a fun, unobtrusive way

to plug the company during the news.

Plus, you gotta admit,

he is pretty f***ing cute.

Hi, Norm.

Who's the best anchorman

in the whole world? You are!

Come on, Norman.

You've gotta get with the times, mate.

These kind of tie-ins are

commonplace these days, Norman.

It's called synergy, Norm.

We cannot have a shameless ad

for our parent company...

running during the newscast.

It's a blatant compromise

of our journalistic ethics and integrity.

I'm sorry. It's just that, um-

You know, what you're saying, it's-

It's a steaming pile of sh*t, mate.

Norm, listen, what he's trying

to say is it's, uh, uh-

- It's-

- Hilarious!

It's off the wall!

It's rude, crude and uncensored.

It's the very best of

Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts!

Rolly Ingersoll should get

cancer and die!

All the top names in the business

turn out to give each other the business.

Jack Morton,

you're a f***in' a**hole.

You'll get all the zingers.

F*** you.

All the comebacks.

Suck my dick!

For just 19.99,

you'll get the full-length video...

of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts

delivered straight to your door.

But wait! If you order by credit card

in the next 15 minutes...

we'll throw in the second video, where the stars

turn the tables and roast Bud himself.

You know what I think you are?

A f***ing piece of sh*t!

New tapes will arrive

every other month.

Keep only those you like and return the rest

for a full refund. Order today!

I f***ed his wife!

In the ass!

Whoo!

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...

Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher!

Awesome.

Decadent, immoral, Western filth!

Ooh.

Awesome.

Decadent, immoral, Western filth!

Cockpuncher.

Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.

This training video will teach you

what angry slogans to scream.

Death to the godless sh*t beasts!

How to blend into

a typical American city.

Yeah.

And so much more.

Here are Ahmed and Ahman.

They may be brothers,

but they couldn't be more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality

is important.

He makes sure to leave plenty of time

to get to his bombing site.

Death to the godless sh*t beasts!

Ahman leaves everything

to the last minute.

Oh, sh*t!

Ahmed double-checks the address of

the bombing site so there are no mistakes.

Ahman doesn't.

Oh, sh*t!

Ahmed dresses properly for work...

wearing clothing that is loose

enough to hide his explosives.

Ahman dresses inappropriately.

Ooh.

And don't forget, as a martyr...

you'll receive eternal life in paradise

for you and 100 of your relatives.

You'll be blessed with

unlimited sex from 72 virgins-

- Awesome.

- Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.

- Awesome.

- So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team...

where work is truly a blast.

Oh, sh*t!

Death to godless sh*t beasts!

- I'm gonna call Sarah.

- Yeah.

- Hey, guys. How's it going?

- What took you so long?

I was playing Suicide Bomber.

Have you heard from Tim tonight?

- No.

- No? That's weird.

I was gonna call Sarah.

Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas?

Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah!

Show some love, fool!

Hey, Tim.

Damn! LittleJ...

you are lookin' mad fly, boo.

- You feel me?

- Sure, Tim.

I just bounced from this

mad, crazy, ill party, dude.

I was hangin' out with these niggas

over in Pleasant Oaks and sh*t.

You were hanging out

with real black people?

No, but they was blastin'

some crazy, phat beats, son!

They was pourin' out some Cristal...

breakin' off some endo smoke.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Just wildin' out!

- Yeah.

- Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos.

Y'all straight?

Yeah? All right.

Code Two. Code Two.

Intersection of 12th and Grand.

We have visual confirmation

on the suspect.

- This is Unit One.

- Hit it.

All possible units, please respond.

And this booty that was like-

Yo, what the f*** is this?

- What's going on, Officers?

- The yarn store down the road was just held up...

by a young black male

fitting your friend's description.

What?

What are you- What are you

talking about? It-It wasn't me.

- No, it's not you?

- No.

Hey, Frank, you see any other young

black males here in Lake Shore Bluff?

- Don't see any.

- What?

- In the car, darky.

- But I'm- I'm not black.

I'm white.

My whole family's white.

My dad's Irish.

My mom's Norwegian.

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