The Onion Movie Page #3

We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church

where I help with the bake sale every Sunday.

Settle down back there, chocolate!

Let's stand right over here.

Don't worry about anything.

Nobody can see you.

Now, I just want you to point

to the perpetrator for me.

Him. That... Negro.

Okay, thanks.

We can go.

This is Dana Dobbs here

at Lake Shore Bluff...

where any second now we'll hear

the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case.

Will the defendant please rise?

Ladies and gentleman,

have you reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We, the jury...

find the Negro... guilty.

There you have it. The Negro is guilty.

- Welcome to

Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber.

Hello. We are now a good

way through the film...

so we thought it would be a good time

to get some perspective on it.

And joining us to provide just that...

are Nicholas Van Essen

and Raymond Marcus.

Offer us, if you will, your take on

how the film is doing thus far.

I'll have to say, Kenneth,

that I am very impressed.

Sketch after sketch,

we're being treated to...

a brilliantly biting skewering

of contemporary social mores.

Well, Raymond, what do you think?

- I must strenuously disagree.

- Ah.

This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow,

potty humor thinly disguised as satire.

It saddens me that the Onion has stooped

to this lowest common denominator...

pandering to the masses.

Well, now for a third opinion...

let's go straight to the source.

We have with us here

in the studio a very special guest.

Welcome, Masses.

So, what do you think of the film?

It's pretty cool so far, I guess.

That Cockpuncher dude is awesome.

Bam! Right in the balls.

But this part, with these film-expert a**holes-

I mean, why do you even have these two

gaywads in the movie for anyways?

Fags!

Lose 'em and let's get on

with the movie, dude.

Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor...

of a cruise aboard the luxurious

Queen Nathan II.

On the Queen Nathan, there's so much

for today's gay man to enjoy-

shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine...

monster c*cks.

Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing.

Work those muscles

in our shipboard gym.

Enjoy our world-class spa.

Or take a thrilling

Las Vegas-style revue.

Yes, whether you want

to scuba dive, get blown...

or play blackjack

in our glamorous casino...

the Queen Nathan II's

got what you're looking for.

So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.

And now it's time

for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes.

Yes, everyone knows that

Italians are all mobsters...

and Native Americans are all drunks.

But did you know

that blacks love taffy?

It's also true that Eskimos

run all the locksmith shops...

the Irish have enormous nipples...

and Puerto Ricans can dangle

from steel beams for hours at a time.

Damn, that's unbelievable.

- How does he do that?

- Oh, he's a Puerto Rican.

- Also...

- Y'ello?

did you know that the Dutch

enjoy speaking with telemarketers?

Visa? With a special

credit card offer?

Peruvians love to swoop in

and save the day at the last minute.

And they can shoot laser beams

out of their eyes.

And, of course,

all Arabs are terrorists.

Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine

a world without them?

Okay, that must be our final player.

- Hi, Julie!

- Hi.

- Welcome.

- Oh, your house is so lovely.

Oh, thank you!

Come on in.

- Everybody, this is Julie.

- Hi.

- Pretty cute, huh?

- Hi, Julie.

Have a seat. So, I understand this

is your first whodunit party?

Ah, you are gonna

have so much fun! Okay!

With any luck, by the end of the night

we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed.

Any one of us could be the rapist!

- I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?"

- Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Don't these things usually

revolve around, um, a murder?

Yeah, Julie, see,

we do this every few months...

and frankly, we were getting

a little bored with murder.

So I was like, " Isn't there some other

violent crime we can reenact?"

And I'm in the store the other day...

and I find this.

How fantastic is that?

So, anyway, Julie,

since you are new, luckyJulie...

you get to be the victim.

Okay?

- Ooh.

- So, I want you to put this on. Hop up.

Okay, so here's what's gonna happen.

The lights are gonna go out.

So, you lie down on the floor.

We're all gonna come running in, but you're

gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there.

Don't you think this is a little... sick?

Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun.

No one's actually raping anyone.

I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with

a murder-mystery game now, would you?

- I guess not.

- Yeah, so why would you object to a game...

revolving around a lesser crime

where no one even loses their life?

- Well, it's just different.

- Oh, "it's just, it's just"!

Come on, guys.

Let's play the game.

Get your cards. Okay?

CD in here.

You got that on, sweetie?

Okay, get down on the floor.

Get down on the floor.

Ready for a rapin'?

Oh, no, please don't rape me.

- Shut up, you b*tch!

- No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man.

- Shut the f*** up!

- What are you doing?

Shut up, b*tch!

- Oh, no!

- Shut up!

Wow.

" Oh, no. The sweet, innocent,

young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped.

Lock the door. No one is leaving

until we figure out who did it."

- Nice accent.

- Thanks, man.

Who committed this rape? Hmm?

Was it... the creepy uncle?

The handsome, young Ivy League

fraternity brother...

who's used to getting what

and who he wants?

Um, the prisoner

just released on parole? That's me.

Or the vaguely hermaphroditic

night nurse...

from the senior center

just down the block?

Ooh, he's so creepy!

Okay, come on. Let's play! Let's play!

"I was with my wife.

"Besides, that b*tch has been

making up stories since she was four.

You can't believe anything she says!"

"I have 22 fraternity brothers

who will vouch that I was with them."

Oh, I bet you do.

Okay, time to spin.

Whoa, Julie, I know this

is your first time...

- but you're not acting very raped.

- Okay.

Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up.

You've just been raped.

The rapist shattered

your pelvis with a baseball bat.

Um, I'm leaving.

Wha-What?

Where are you going?

Ju- Come-Julie, wh-

Now what?

I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me.

Oh, no, please don't rape me.

Taffy?

God! F***ing blacks!

The nation's anti-tobacco lobby

won another victory today...

when Congress passed legislation

restricting smoking within U.S. borders...

to a single room in Iowa.

- Traffic was backed up from

Nevada all the way to lowa...

as smokers tried to get to the lounge.

Move the car,

you old, f***ing b*tch!

Smokers from across the country

are making the long journey...

to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge

in Des Moines, Iowa.

I drove all the way from San Francisco

just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break.

I'm supposed to be back

at work in 10 minutes.

It's a 37-hour drive.

It's f***in' bullshit!

In legal news, a judge has declared

local aerobics instructor...

and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter,

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