The Onion Movie Page #4

too fit to stand trial.

Judge Edward Conlin

said that the suspect...

with her washboard abs

and powerful leg muscles...

is of too sound body...

to be tried for the killing

of her ex-lover.

According to a new medical study...

depression hits losers hardest.

The study found that extreme,

debilitating depression...

most commonly afflicts

those who are total screw-ups...

who can't do anything right.

Are you ready?

Oooh.

# Baby, when we kiss

my heart just skips a beat #

#And when you hold my hand

Oh, I can hardly speak #

# But there's one kind of lovin'

that we can't do face to face #

# So let me give you some affection

just below your waist #

- I like that.

- # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you #

# I'm beggin' please, please for you #

# Oh, got so much love

I need to show it #

# It's a big job

Don't wanna blow it #

# Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah #

# Oh #

# Baby

Down on my knees #

# Beggin' please, please ##

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

Steven Seagal is-

Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk.

What can I help you find today?

Hey, Dirk.

Um, my computer...

it's a few years old,

and I feel like I'm ready for a new one.

I got just the thing.

The Bates 4000.

Absolute cutting-edge.

These babies came in on Tuesday.

They're packed, man.

Eighty "G's" of RAM.

We're talking

a quad-port 900 processor...

D.V.K. compatible memory card...

dual-burning DVD drives...

plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive...

with a plus-four digital

upgrade card.

This will knock the sh*t

out of your ass.

Well, I'm just looking for your basic,

simple home computer.

I know, your wife has you

by the purse strings. But you know what?

This is the Bates 4000.

It doesn't get any better than this.

It's not going anywhere.

This is the future.

Well, I have the Bates 1000

and that worked-

Oh, excuse me.

You have the Bates 1000.

Oh, that's great!

F***, man, wow!

Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman

outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed.

Those things are barbaric.

I mean, last time I checked,

they didn't even have a delete key on it.

I'm joking, of course. But look,

this is the future. You get my point?

- Yeah.

- Okay? Let's write you up.

- All right, let's do it.

- All right, my friend.

Wow, honey. Are you sure

we needed such a fancy one?

You kidding? This thing's got

a quad-port 900 processor...

and a 16,000

C.T.D. combo-drive with-

Dude, you're not still using

the Bates 4000, are you?

That thing's ancient.

- Really?

- Really.

You got to get you one of these:

the Bates 5000.

Absolute cutting-edge.

Wow, that is newer.

Thanks.

The new Bates 5000.

Throw your 4000 away.

It's a piece of sh*t.

This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert.

My guest today

is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates.

Now, he's here to talk about perhaps

the most powerful machine ever built:

the Bates 6000,

and it's available in stores right now.

A**hole!

Hey, I just dropped off

a shipment of the Bates 7000s.

Now, what do you want me

to do with the leftover 6000s?

garbage where they belong.

That's right. Twice the memory

capacity of the 8000.

Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.

- Hang on. Come in.

Hi.

Bates was 42.

In other news, after a six-month

stint at the Betty King Clinic...

actor Bryce Brand

finally returned home today.

That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar

Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion...

where, at any moment, he's due to return

from his stay at the Betty King Clinic.

Bryce!

Bobby, baby!

- Bryce.

- Bobby, baby!

Bobby, baby!

- I'm back!

- You look great.

I cannot tell you how good I feel

now that I'm off the drugs...

and high on life.

Hey, that's what they're saying.

Oh, man, was I a mess.

But all that's changed now

that I'm clean and sober.

You know, I never knew how amazing

life can be without the haze of drugs.

It's just the little things, like...

smelling the flowers-

Or watching the sunset,

or just walking along the beach.

You know, these things get me

way higher than drugs ever could.

That's great, um, Bryce.

So, we have got a lot of

catching up to do with your career.

Now I brought a script. It is fantastic.

Actually, your part is comedic.

Uh, sort of a wise-cracking-

Bob, this chamomile is so amazing.

It is blowing my mind, man.

Smell this.

No. Thank you, though.

Um, back to the script.

Again, it took a lot to get this-

Bob, one thing sobriety

has taught me...

is that you have to take time out

to enjoy life's little pleasures.

Can you put the tea down for a sec?

- Bryce?

- Oh, my God.

- Bryce.

- Oh, my God.

The nation's rapidly growing

prison population...

which recently passed

the 20 million mark...

has created

a severe overcrowding problem.

In an attempt to alleviate

the overcrowding...

the government announced today

that a random selection of U.S. households...

will be asked to take prisoners

into their homes.

Hi. Uh, I'm Dick.

This-This is my wife, Sarah.

This is our daughter, Allie.

And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10.

Welcome to our home.

'Sup.

Don't drop this sh*t on me, b*tch!

What the f*** are you doing? Don't just

stand there! Get your man something to drink!

Damn, it's good to see some women.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts.

Lights out, guys.

If successful,

another 20,000 prisoners...

will be moved to suburban homes

by the first of next month.

Hello and welcome once again

to Focus on Film.

I'm Kenneth Garber.

And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts...

president of the National Coalition

of African Americans...

and James Nakatami, director of

the Asian American Alliance for Equality.

Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.

Your organization is not pleased with

this film's depiction of African Americans.

Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth.

We are just about halfway

through the film...

and we've yet to see a dignified

portrayal of a person of color.

So far, we've only been shown

as vicious criminals or sex fiends.

Just take a look at that last sketch.

So, what specifically

is your group demanding?

The filmmakers put a positive black role model

on that screen in the next 10 minutes...

or we will be organizing a nationwide

walkout of black moviegoers.

That means every single African American

currently watching this film...

will exit the theater.

Mr. Nakatami,

you are equally unhappy?

Thus far, there are maybe one...

or, at the most, two,

three Asian faces in the film.

How do you feel about such

gross underrepresentation?

Me no "rikey."

Excuse me?

Me no "rikey."

And... back to the film.

In legal news, local

is suing for the right to be

sexually harassed in the workplace.

Frankel, an employee

at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix...

alleged that during

his three years there...

not a single female coworker made

inappropriate sexual advances toward him...

either verbal or physical.

In other news, health officials

have confirmed...

that a potentially deadly

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