The Onion Movie Page #5

airborne virus...

has been spreading

across eastern Canada.

And is now moving south towards the coast of-

Hey, Norm.

Hey, Norm.

Okay.

- Oh, there goes Norm again.

- He looks pissed.

Onion tip line.

What do you got?

- All right. Listen to me.

- Hi, Norm.

Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's

movie via goddamn penguin.

Our job is to deliver

to the American people...

fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.

In this crazy world, the Onion may be

the only news source that people can truly trust.

Look, don't be so naive, Norm.

This is a business.

Listen, Norm. I know you're not

gonna want to hear this.

But the suits at

Global Tetrahedron...

want you to open up Friday's broadcast

with a slightly different lead story.

But Friday is the day

Azmenistan gave Sloravia...

as a deadline for pulling out

of the Uzbagiyak region.

It's also the day that

Cockpuncher opens.

I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy

ground thing is all well and good, right?

But it's a million miles away.

Nobody gives a f*** about it.

The more important news story

right now is Cockpuncher mania.

It's sweeping the nation.

And it better sweep

your newscast Friday.

Take a putt?

No?

You owe me a pound,

you son of a b*tch. I made that last one.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures...

- Steven Seagal is-

- Awesome!

Goddamn whorish corporate plugs.

I'm a newsman, damn it.

Oh!

- Cockpuncher.

- I don't think you have the balls.

Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.

- Excuse me, sir.

- What can I get you?

No, thank you. I don't drink,

or use drugs for that matter.

No. I was just wondering if you could

give me directions to the local library.

Um, two blocks down

and left on Second.

Thank you very much.

You have a wonderful evening.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

You have a wonderful evening.

Uh, help?

Has your penis become stuck

in a library book return slot?

Call Kostman's, the penis people.

We've been the tri-county area's...

penis retrieval

experts for 64 years.

We'll get any penis

out of any slot for $39.95.

That's my personal guarantee.

So don't just sit there hoping that your penis

will somehow magically free itself.

Call Kostman's.

- Dave got my penis out.

- Dave got my penis out.

Dave got my penis out.

Dave got all our penises out!

Kostman's, the penis people.

This week's campaign is gonna rule.

I can't wait for the assault

on castle Dragonflame.

I know. It's gonna be

super totally awesome.

I have a third-level elven cleric

I can't wait to pit against my foes.

Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome.

Look who just showed up.

Well, what have we stumbled upon here?

Oh, sh*t.

Dare you challenge the might

of Proteus the Invincible?

Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings

with us this afternoon...

who have ne'er tasted my blade.

This douche bag ruins everything.

Prepare for total devastation.

The magical wizardry,

expert chaos techniques...

and incomparable equipment roster

of Proteus the Invincible...

will make short work

of all pretenders to the throne.

Okay, Lyle.

How's about letting some of

the younger guys have a chance today?

Okay?

When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts,

I expect no quarter.

And none shall be given.

All right.

Now that I have readied my provisions

for the day's foray into the fairy realms...

let the slaughter begin.

None remain standing before me.

All have fallen before

the might of my broadsword.

Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined

another Saturday for the whole gaming club.

What care I for

the sniveling excuses of the weak?

They shall bow before my wrath.

In the realm of fantasy, only the strong

shall survive to conquer another day.

Whatever.

Alas, the day's adventuring

is now done...

and I must take

the number two bus back home.

If only I could live in

the world of fantasy forever...

instead of being forced to

put up with this banal realm...

and its silly, weak-minded mortals.

Oh, how I wish I could live in

the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts...

ruling the land as

a mighty conqueror...

smiting orcs and ogres alike

with my trusty broadsword.

Proteus the Invincible?

- I have heard your plea.

- What?

- Who-Who goes there?

- It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane.

Never before have I seen your equal

among the mortals that play this game.

What's going on? Guys?

I have chosen to grant your wish,

Proteus the Invincible.

Come forth into the land of legends.

God. Where am I?

Ow!

Oh, God. Where am I?

Proteus.

Prepare to piss thyself, human.

No, no, no.

No. No. No. No. Please.

F***ing geek.

After last night's heartbreaking

loss in Los Angeles...

basketball star Dashante Jackson

had harsh words for the lord.

You know, I'd like to put

the blame on God tonight...

for not blessing me with the talent to

hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight.

You know, without him,

I would truly be goin' to the play-offs.

B*tch, I don't know why

you do this sh*t to me!

In news from our nation's capital,

a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers...

marched on Washington today

demanding a cure for pancakes.

Until this teakettle is cured...

there will never be enough

bread in the laundry!

Ding-dong!

Karate!

Give 'em hell!

Hi. I'm Michael Bolton.

Did you know that all over

the world...

there are millions of children

living in extreme poverty?

For more than 40 years, the What About

the Children Foundation has been making...

a difference in the lives of

kids throughout the third world.

And so can you...

by adopting a What About

the Children sponsor child.

But don't take my word for it.

Take Dibo's.

Hello. I am Dibo.

- Come.

- Thanks to What About the Children...

Dibo has seen his standard

of living soar well above the level...

of his pathetic

poverty-stricken village.

The What About The Children Foundation...

is able to provide

a child like Dibo...

with some of the little things

in life we so often take for granted.

- Thanks, Jimmy.

- Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing...

a 42 inch plasma-screen television...

the latest Sony PlayStation

video game...

1,000 thread count

Egyptian-cotton sheets...

a subscription to

the Wall StreetJournal...

and selections from Marc Jacobs'

Men's Spring Collection.

Get your own sponsor family!

Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me

a security system to keep these animals out.

Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours

that make it all worthwhile.

In breaking news, we now join

Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff...

where a verdict has just been handed down

in the Timothy Shanahan trial.

Dana, what's the latest

on the situation?

Well, Norm, as you can see...

I'm here outside the First

District Federal Courthouse...

where this angry mob of Negroes

is rioting over the guilty verdict...

in the Timothy Shanahan case.

We will keep you posted.

- Thanks, Dana.

- Thank you, Norm.

Those crazy Negroes.

# Oh, when you love me right up front

You know that I don't mind #

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