The Onion Movie Page #6

Enter.

Pardon me, General.

Your meeting is about to start.

- #Take me from behind #

- Yeah.

So, as you can see, generals, Deathco

Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine...

earned a triple-A rating in field trials

and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio...

making it the best land mine

for the government's dollar.

Nah, we're gonna pass.

Thanks anyway.

F***!

F***, f***, f***, f***!

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***!

F***, f***!

You call yourself a salesman?

We spent $400 billion of the company's money

developing these land mines for the military!

You'd better find a way

to unload these things!

Tired of backbreaking yard work?

Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny!

Jumpin' Johnny

blasts weeds to pieces!

Frags ragweed...

crabgrass, dandelions...

rabbits...

raccoons...

even elephants.

So, what are you waiting for?

Get Jumpin' Johnny today!

It's now time for our weekly

Inspirational Portrait.

This week, the Brendan Laroux story.

Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams.

As a young boy,

he wanted to become a dancer...

but at the age of 12,

he lost his legs.

Now, this would be a setback

for any youngster...

but not Brendan, who set

his eyes on being a surgeon...

until, at age 14,

he lost his wrists.

Without my wrists, there was nothing

to keep my hands attached to my arms.

So, even though my hands were fine,

l- I lost them too.

Now, Brendan may not have had as many

hands and legs as the other boys...

but there was one dream

he didn't let go of-

becoming a professional

hockey player.

At first, the other players

treated him fairly.

But after seeing all the attention that

Brendan was getting, they became jealous.

The special treatment stopped. Brendan

toughed it out in the minors for two brutal years.

But it all paid off when

he finally got the call.

The coach said,

"How would you like to be pro hockey's...

first legless, handless player?"

It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration.

But then, two days later...

Brendan found out that

his rib cage was backwards...

leaving his spine exposed, and that

he needed a complete muscle transplant.

The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.

Brendan came back better than ever.

Brendan persevered

and was selected M. V.P.

Just when it seemed like the dark clouds

had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy...

went bankrupt,

and his wife was eaten by wolves.

He was also molested

by his Uncle Jerry.

Today, Brendan's journey

has opened the door for many athletes...

who never would have

been given a chance...

if he hadn't broken down

pro sports' physical ability barrier.

Athletes like Emma Heathcoat,

cerebral-palsy sufferer...

and three-time national

equestrian champ.

Blind stockcar driver,

Bobby Templeton.

Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors.

Gil Sarinen, the world's first

professional comatose diver...

and, of course, Chicago

shooting guard Herbie Cohn...

who was born with Judaism.

Yes, none of it would have

been possible without Brendan Laroux...

a true Inspirational Portrait.

In adult entertainment

industry news...

the nation's porn stars

gathered today in Los Angeles...

in a unified demand for stronger,

more intense sexual intercourse.

F*** me with your big cock!

- Give it to me harder!

- F*** me till I explode!

Calling the tragedy a terrible,

unintentional mistake...

the Los Angeles Police Department

issued an apology today...

for the accidental shooting, clubbing...

stabbing, firebombing, choking,

impaling, electrocution...

and lethal-injection death

of an African-American man.

I'm Kip Kendall reporting

for the Onion News.

- As the conflict between Sloravia

and Azmenistan deepens...

college campuses across this country

have become a hotbed of political activity.

We're here in Santa Cruz, California today.

Let's listen in.

Stop the violence.

Stop the violence!

Increase the peace!

For the past three years,

Sloravia and Azmenistan...

they've been locked in

a pointless and bloody war.

Their cowardly leaders send

innocent young men into battle to die.

Well, you know what?

We need to put those leaders

in a room and let them fight it out!

And you know what else? What these countries

need to do, what they need to do-

- Th-They need to listen to

their women a little more.

Because women create life,

while men, they destroy it.

So, let's all stand up against

the corporate war machine...

that only exists to do

the imperialist agenda...

against the- the oppressed minority.

Right?

Love your brother! Peace! One love.

- Excuse me, Chad.

- 'Sup?

We're with the U.N.

And let me just say, we are very impressed.

What you said up there

was dead on, Chad. Dead on.

What?

We want you to negotiate talks

between Sloravia and Azmenistan.

Shut up, dude.

We're convinced you are the man who can

finally bring peace to this troubled region.

Will you do it, Chad?

Will you help us increase the peace?

- F***, yeah! F***, yeah, dude. I'm in!

- Great.

- Would you come with me, please?

- Yeah.

Your systematic campaign of aggression...

against my country is the reason-

Our military operations are purely

in response to your violation of the treaty.

- You are the one to violate the peace treaty!

- We?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Guys, chill, chill.

Let's take a chill pill here.

Don't you guys realize that war, no matter

how justified it may seem, it's not the answer.

It's not?

No, man.

Love is the answer.

Now, let's get

this peace sh*t started.

# A baby's born

Old man dies #

# One child's laughing

while another child cries #

# Seasons change

right before my eyes #

# The sun comes up

The sun goes down #

# The world takes another

little spin around #

# The tide rolls out

The tide rolls in #

# Life goes on

And on again ##

In international news...

the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan

deepened today...

when the leaders of

the two rival nations-

Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia

to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.

- If it's not our lead story,

consider it my resignation.

Cockpuncher mania.

Two minutes, Norm.

And now, the Onion News,

America's finest news source.

Honey, it's about to start.

Featuring Dana Dobbs...

senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...

- and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.

- Good evening.

For the past 27 years,

I've sat at this desk...

dedicating myself to one thing-

delivering the news to you,

the American viewing public...

in the most fair, balanced,

serious way possible.

What's he doing?

Well, things are changing

in the news game...

and I've been under pressure

to change with them.

The powers that be at this network

have done everything they can...

to get me to compromise my values.

So what do they want me to do?

Plug our parent company's movies...

and other products like

a two-bit network news whore.

Motherf***er.

Well, I've been giving this

whole ugly business a lot of thought...

and just a few moments

before going on the air tonight...

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