The Onion Movie Page #7

I finally came to a conclusion.

And that conclusion is-

Nobody move

or the anchor infidel dies!

The Al-Q'Utaya

terrorist organization...

officially declares war

on the decadent, immoral...

United States of Satan.

We sh*t on your country!

And piss also!

That was good.

Tonight, on live television...

the American people will watch

this great spreader of Western lies...

get blown to pieces...

unless the United States government

formally apologizes...

for its rotting, immoral culture.

Like that's gonna happen.

Are you listening, Mr. President?

- We might be f***ed, sir.

- We will do it.

We will kill him right here

if you do not meet our demands!

Oh, yeah?

I don't think you have the balls.

Cockpuncher!

Ahmed, it is the mighty

puncher of c*cks.

I'm hungry.

I could sure go for a sundae

topped with... crushed nuts.

Yummy.

Cockpuncher!

F*** him up!

Come on!

I believe you'll be

releasing Norm now.

Not so fast, Cockpuncher.

Cock blocked.

Those clever terrorists.

They blocked their c*cks.

Maybe I can be of some assistance.

- Hit it, boys!

- Melissa Cherry!

# Oh, when you love me right up front

You know that I don't mind #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

# Oh, when you love me right up front

You know that I don't mind #

- # But what I really want is for you-#

- Come on, Cherry.

# Oh, yeah #

What the f*** is going on?

Ahman, think unsexy thoughts!

Think unsexy thoughts.

Think unsexy thoughts.

Think unsexy thoughts.

Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality

will not work on us.

Mr. President, the time has come to

give in to our demands.

If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds,

we will kill everyone in this studio.

We might be f***ed, sir.

Ten, nine, eight...

seven, six...

five, four, three, two, one!

- Not so rpido.

- Peruvians.

- Daddy, what's a Peruvian?

- It's kind of like a Mexican.

- Viva Per!

- Qu viva.

Cockpuncher, amigo-

You know, Ahman,

violence is almost never necessary.

I admit, I've punched thousands

upon thousands of c*cks in my life...

but I've never killed anyone.

Because no matter what

your religion might be...

no matter

what your politics might be...

no matter how much

money's involved...

there's never any reason

to take human life.

Human life is the most

precious thing there is.

F***in'-A, man.

That's some cool sh*t, man...

You know what?

You are absolutely

right, Cockpuncher.

Violence is not the answer.

Terrorism never solved anything.

To hell with terrorism.

Yeah! Yeah.

I'm sick and tired of

living in a f***ing cave.

I'm sick of doing nothing

but cursing the West all day.

Jesus H. Allah!

I like the West!

God bless America.

I like TV! And I like

bacon double cheeseburgers!

- Whoo!

- And I like the rapping music!

But most of all...

I like this big-budget

blockbuster action hero.

Long live the mighty puncher of c*cks!

Qu viva!

Yeah! Whoo!

Hey, Norm. Some crazy sh*t, huh?

Look, with all due respect,

we just wanted to ask, um...

what were you gonna say

during your speech?

Yeah, we were wondering what

the conclusion that you came to was.

Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell

and not going to take it anymore."

- But after what just happened...

- Shh.

I think I've learned a little lesson

I won't soon forget.

As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned

a few things in the past 90 minutes.

We've learned that Irishmen

have huge nipples.

We've learned that film-critic intellectuals

are a bunch of gaywads.

And, most of all, we've learned...

that creeping corporate

influence over the news...

protects us from terrorism.

Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Um, I can't help but think...

it must have taken a lot of courage

to make such a provocative film.

And joining us

to discuss just that...

is the man who green-lit the film.

Thanks, Kenneth.

Pleasure to be here.

So, uh, now, while you gave the makers

of this film tremendous leeway, obviously...

still, there was some material

that you simply refused to allow?

That's true.

Basically, as committed as I was to letting

these guys be free to do their thing...

there were simply some images

that I just didn't feel comfortable with.

Mm-hmm. But I understand

you did bring some clips.

That's right. Uh, I would like to show

some special bonus material.

These are scenes that didn't

make it into the movie.

Great. Let's take a look.

So what we do is we get the kitty...

and we put it in

a simple egg batter.

Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine.

And then we just simply roll it around...

making sure we cover

the whole thing.

It's all right, baby. It's okay.

Get him completely covered in

an her bed bread-crumb batter here.

I see. Okay. Oh!

Thank you.

And into- Oh- into the canola oil.

You know, I think you have to

draw a line somewhere.

# Oh, when you love me right up front

You know that I don't mind #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

# Oh, when you love me right up front

You know that I don't mind #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

#Oh, yeah #

#Oh, yeah #

#Oh, yeah #

# Oh, oh #

# Oh, when you love me right up front #

# You know that I don't mind

No, no #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

# Oh, when you love me right up front

You know that I don't mind #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

# I don't mind, no

I don't mind #

# Take me from behind, yeah #

# I don't mind, don't mind

Yeah ##

Are you ready?

Down on my knees.

# Baby, when we kiss

my heart just skips a beat #

# And when you hold my hand

oh, I can hardly speak #

# But there's one kind of lovin'

that we can't do face to face #

# Oh, no

So let me give you some affection #

# Just below your waist #

# Oh, yeah

I'm down on my knees for you #

# I'm beggin' please, please for you #

# Got so much love

I need to show it #

# It's a big job

Don't wanna blow it #

# Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah #

# Oh #

# Baby

I'm down on my knees #

# Beggin'. please, please ##

# Oh #

Shoot your love, baby.

# Tell me, why must you hide #

# That love

That love you got inside

Inside #

# Ooh, ooh #

# It's been building up

so long #

# Yeah #

# And that feeling's

oh, so strong #

# Oh, so baby #

# Shoot your love all over me

Oh #

# Drown me in a milky sea

Love all over me #

# Hey, baby #

# It's you and I

You and I #

# For eternity

For eternity #

# That's why you got to

shoot your love over me #

# Oh, yeah #

# When I look at you, baby #

# I see a man full of spunk #

# But what good is it to me #

# Locked away in that trunk #

# I don't need more roses #

# No, that would be

just reckless #

# The gift I want from you

From you #

# Is my very own pearl necklace

Oh #

# Shoot your love all over me #

# Hey

Drown me in a milky sea #

# Love all over me #

# Ooh, baby #

# It's you and I

You and I #

# For eternity

For eternity #

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