The Only One

It's chilly here grandad.

Let me close the window

before mum starts nagging again.

And make the bed

before she comes down.

Here you are.

I have a class.

Christ. Shut that door, will you.

Don't you know how to knock?

You're not living alone, you know.

Can you take a crap

in front of Gerda?

Dear editor-in-chief. Once again

I have no choice but to write you.

Listen to this:

A Moroccan told the judge his number

plate was hanging upside down

because he only speaks Arabic and

is unable to read Western symbols.

That's why he couldn't know

his number plate was upside down.

Imagine how he behaves in traffic.

He can't read a single sign.

How does a guy like that find a job?

How can you work

for a boss you don't understand?

Answer that question in the paper.

Yours truly, Lucien Knops.

What a day, I'm dog-tired.

I brought the catalogue.

Dad, you forgot the bed again.

What's this? Dad, what is this?

Those are toenails.

- Throw them away at once.

They're clean, aren't they?

- So filthy.

The bathroom is always occupied.

I'm going for a game of billiards

after I mail this letter.

Grandad, your pill.

- Oh, you're right, my pill.

Must you take that with whisky?

What's this?

We'd love to buy a mobile home.

It's been our dream for years.

A mobile home?

Yes. They're regular castles

on wheels nowadays.

We could drive it to France and Spain.

Really. Well, well, well.

No reaction. He couldn't care less.

What did you expect? That he'd go

running straight to the bank?

I'm so fed up with him.

- It was your idea to take him in.

You know him. He'll do anything

to get a rise out of you.

Eat this.

What are you doing?

- It's called tactics.

Take his place Lucien.

Now those are my tactics.

Me take Felix' place?

I don't think so.

You can have my Mathilde, you know.

Perhaps if you add some coupons and

even then I'd have to think about it.

Well thanks a lot.

- I came to play billiards.

A round for everyone

from the chairman.

Goddammit.

What's going on here, dad?

Are you making French fries?

- I'm hungry.

Go to bed, you're drunk.

I need something to eat.

- You're worse than a child.

I'm hungry and I want French fries.

I don't have a life anymore.

I'm out of French fries.

- I'm hungry, I have to...

You smell.

- Let go of me.

French fries...

My own daughter, goddammit.

I just wanted French fries.

My own daughter

won't give me French fries.

I'm moving back to my own house.

I'm getting on your mother's nerves.

I can feel it.

- And he's absolutely right, too.

You lasted longer than I thought.

How long did I give you, two weeks?

But tell me, who's going

to take care of you now?

Let me worry about that.

- Oh really?

I'm going to find me a girlfriend.

- Not on your life.

Stupid man.

How will you cope? Who will

clean the house and do the laundry?

I've only got two hands.

- Mathilde will take care of me.

I thought you couldn't stand her?

- She helped me with your mother.

And why would she

do the same for you?

I'll look deep into her eyes.

A lot of good that'll do.

But wait, that may not be

such a bad idea.

But the minute I see you

can't take care of yourself,

you're moving to a rest home.

I'm off to work.

And don't forget to take your pills.

Twit.

Do you really want a girlfriend?

- Of course not.

I already have one.

'That man

should be punished severely'.

Jesus, grandad, what are you doing?

Grandad, did you get that typewriter

before World War I or II?

It works just fine

and that's all that matters to me.

Dad's buying me a laptop if they

accept me. You could have my PC.

Me, a computer?

What do I need a computer for?

For your letters. Once you have one,

you won't be able to do without it.

Tell me, what does Paris have to offer

that you can't find here?

My degree.

- When I was your age...

I didn't say anything.

My lips didn't even move.

And one baklava.

Just one?

I'll take them all.

I'll indulge myself.

Master Lucien.

Hi, I'm Sylvia.

I'm your new neighbour.

Lucien Knops.

That'll be twelve euros

and 28 cents.

Here you are.

- Thank you.

Here you are.

- Thanks.

And your bag. Thank you.

- Bye.

You look like a million bucks today.

- A pack of coffee.

Beans, mocha, unground, right?

- Okay.

It's me.

I prepared your favourite dish.

And what might that be?

- Rabbit in gueuze beer with potatoes.

Since when is that

my favourite dish?

What is your favourite dish then?

- Do you need a hint?

Lucien, really.

Where are your manners?

It's been too long for manners.

- Lucien, really.

It hasn't been that long since...

- Now don't go all holy on me.

You weren't so shy

when Astrid was lying upstairs.

Come on.

At least give me a kiss.

- No Lucien.

Come on, one kiss.

There's just no talking to you.

- No, there isn't...

Well, are you coming?

- Coming where?

To the bedroom of course.

In Astrid's bed?

Not in a million years.

Come here, Lucien.

My back...

Pull me up.

Rabbit in gueuze with potatoes?

- It had been a while, hadn't it?

How's Felix?

Don't be a fool.

Billiards and Trappist

are all he cares about.

But you won't leave him?

Where would I go?

You can't have it all in life.

If you ever have another woman,

I swear I'll kill you.

I wouldn't dare.

I'm dead serious.

- Me too. Always.

Swear it.

I swear.

Hello Lucien. Good to see you.

How have you been?

So, Mr Chairman. Are you getting

used to being alone in the house?

A round for everyone from the

chairman. I'll have a Trappist.

Well look at that. Even my Mathilde

would have made that shot.

Things happen.

Will you find your way home?

- Just you find your way to Mathilde.

You be careful just the same.

Sir?

Would you open the door please?

Careful. Hello sir,

what seems to be the problem?

What is your name?

Your name.

- Knops.

Knops. Why are you parked

in the middle of the intersection?

You don't remember?

Have we been drinking?

Yes, of course we have.

Too much to drink, am I right?

Do you have your key, grandad?

I'll take it.

You took my driving licence.

Count yourself lucky

we didn't lock you up.

When can I have it back?

- That's up to the police judge.

What's his name?

- No idea. You jump right into bed.

The carpet, the drapes, the beds,

it's all incombustible.

And stainproof.

Everything can be mopped up.

Hygiene is an absolute priority.

Morning Ren.

Cameras everywhere so we

can detect everything immediately.

If you want top security,

we even have a special bracelet.

It's very easy to wear too.

You can wear it around the wrist

or on a belt, usually the wrist.

It's something like the bracelets

they have at rock festivals.

I just happen to have one on me.

Here it is.

Perhaps we could test it?

- Thanks but no thanks.

We also attach a great deal

of importance to the food.

Monday is minced meat day.

On Tuesdays it's

vol-au-vent with French fries.

Wednesdays it's a cold dish and

on Thursdays we eat spaghetti.

Fridays we eat fish sticks and

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