The Opposite of Sex Page #4

back to her miserable mother|whether she likes it or not.

Give Jason the number.|That's all he's interested in.

And then he'll drop the charges.

And let her mother go out there|and pick her up.

This is what I'm doing. I can get|someone else to watch the house.

You know what your problem is?

I need two tickets tomorrow, O'Hare|to Los Angeles.

Yeah, Dalury, Lucia, L-U-C-l-A, and

Guess what? I know how my own name|is pronounced.

Maybe they're just bad pictures.

Maybe he grew a beard or colored his|hair or something.

It was such a stupid idea.

A guy makes a call from a pay phone|in a city of eight million...

and I think I can find him.

If you're meant to find him, you|will.

It's like you ending up teaching at|my school and me introducing you to Tom.

It's fate.|And that's how it's gonna be with Matt.

I say we give this up and we go|home.

And one day, if the gods want you to|see him again...

he's gonna be sitting in the seat|next to you on a plane.

Or his socks will be in your dryer|at some Laundromat.

It's destiny.

I don't believe in destiny.

F***, who does?|It was worth a try.

Excuse me. Bathroom.

Poor Bill.

It must be inherited from our|father, you know, being romantic.

It's just...when it's a man being|romantic about a woman...

it's not as revolting.

Why did he grow that beard?

And his posture...he looks like|early man.

He hurt his back lifting.

I'm going to that dinner tomorrow|night.

I've got a few things I'd like to|say to her, and to him, too.

Lucia, I know what I'm doing.

You think so?

You're like a lobster in a pot.

You're just thrilled that the|water's getting toasty.

When they get to the money, let me|do the talking, okay?

Thanks for coming.

- Hi, Lucia.|- Hi, Matt.

- Couldn't stay away, huh?|- You shaved it off.

I didn't like it. So are you|enjoying your stay?

I don't know if that's the word for|it.

Can I ask you something, Dedee? When did|you meet Matt? Refresh my memory.

My name is Timothy. I'll be your|waiter tonight.

Can I start anyone off with a|beverage?

I'd like a Long Island iced tea,|please.

Is that a good idea for the baby?

This baby owes its life to Long Island|iced teas, if you know what I mean.

Lots of ice.

- I'll have a Diet Coke.|- Diet Coke.

I'll have a Diet Coke ...or maybe a|real Coke.

- Do you have Bananas Foster?|- No, we don't.

Someone told me you had|Bananas Foster here.

I'm sorry, no.

It's impossible to find Bananas|Foster.

Maybe they'll make it for you if you|describe it to them.

What about the sauce?

You think they just have Bananas Foster|sauce lying around in the kitchen...

but they don't put it on the|menu?

I appreciate you both deciding to|meet me.

You, not her.

Because we have a lot to talk|about...

a lot of reasons why you're going|back to Indiana.

I'm not going back.

You're sixteen, you're pregnant.

Matt, you can't support her on what|you make at that job.

Tell me about it.

Matt doesn't wanna get legal,|but you two were kind of man and wife.

So I figure he deserves half of what|you have.

- Are you serious?|- That's not gonna happen.

What about the ten thousand dollars|he stole?

He was entitled to that.

I'm really sorry about that, Bill.

You f***ed up, and you're gonna have|to pay it back.

This is not about us giving you|money.

I'll tell you what this is about,|this is about timing.

This is about trimesters, and you|know what I'm talking about.

I want her to go back to school,|too.

You made a big mistake coming here|today, you know that?

You really should've stayed at home|and let Matt come...

and do your dirty work for you.|'Cause let me tell you something...

I have taught|high school girls for 15 years...

and pregnancy is one of my|specialties.

And looking at you...

you are at least five months pregnant,|five and a half even.

There is no way that this is Matt's|baby.

Here we go...Long Island iced tea...

Diet Coke...

Diet Coke...and a regular Coke.

I think you're crazy. She's crazy.|Let's go.

- You're three months in, right?|- When she met you, maybe.

So I put on a little weight.

Besides, what would you know|about being pregnant?

It's not like you've ever been.

She eats all the time.

It's not your baby. It's some other|idiot's baby.

Probably with an eighth grade education|and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.

You don't owe her or this baby|anything.

What is your problem?

Is it Matt's?

It's her baby, isn't it?|Whoever the father is.

I don't know where you get off saying|I don't owe my wife's baby anything.

Your wife?

We got married...in Vegas.

I can't wear the ring 'cause I'm all|swollen up.

But it's really nice.

Color, clarity, carat --|the three C's of diamond buying.

Who's the father? He has rights and|responsibilities.

My stepfather, if you wanna know.

And the only responsibility he has|is to rot in his grave...

which I hope he's living up to.|Does that make you feel any better?

I don't believe you. I think|you'd say just about anything.

In fact, maybe you should say something|to the police. That would be nice.

It would clear your name, finally...

Where are the ashes?

Don't worry, they're ziplocked.

If you want them back, you'll stop|following us...

you'll cover our expenses,|and you'll leave us alone.

Come on, Matt, let's go.

- I didn't know--|- Come on !

Grab them, get them.

Dedee, listen to me.

- Bill, don't grab her!|- Shut up, Matt!

I want my brother's ashes back, you|heartless little b*tch.

That's me, Lucia, heartless.

What body part are you missing?

The urn...

- I'm sorry, I don't have a problem.|- Do you want your check?

No, we're all set here.

Take that. Thank you.

Can you go faster?

I'm going fast enough. I'm not gonna|break the speed limit.

- They are. They're gonna get away.|- They're not gonna get away.

They're just ashes, you know what|I'm saying?

Who knows if they're really Tom 's|anyway?

Do you really think they keep them|separate?

Go ahead and hate me|for stealing them if you want.

But look at these guys. They've|never had more fun in their lives.

He's taking us in circles, this is|what he's doing.

These are teachers, remember.

It's this or clapping erasers in|South Bend.

- I can't believe you did that!|- What was I supposed to do?

They actually live here?

- Now what?|- You want the ashes back or not?

I wanted to divvy them up, remember?

Just in case something like this|happened.

I don't know why I didn't see this|coming.

You don't have to be sarcastic.

I say we wait.

He'll get up and go to work in the|morning...

she'll go out looking for f***ing|Bananas Franklin, whatever--

They're called Foster.

And we'll go in there, break in and|get them.

Great, our first felony.

I can get you a cab back to the|hotel.

Stop it.

- I'm sorry.|- That's all right, that's all right.

Oh, my god...did I drool?

It'll dry, don't worry about it.

Usually I have to be up a few more|hours before I'm humiliated.

My god, she's a human tabloid.

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