The Orange Man Page #2

and clear my head.

Plus, I've got some

business to take care of

and I figured that maybe

we could all go fishing.

- Sounds fun to me.

Hey, my calendar

is free and clear.

- And I'm unemployed.

- Reggie, you ain't

never been employed.

- Man, shut up.

- Yeah, you know what?

I could use a few days off.

- Hey, this is my office.

I need to take this.

Excuse me.

- I need to use the bathroom.

Come on, a little help guys?

A little help?

- I think

I'm in love, Reggie.

- In love with who?

- Brenda.

She's from Phoenix.

We've been chatting

for like two weeks now.

I think after the trip I

might ask her to move in.

- Do think that's a good idea?

I mean, you barely know her.

Is it a he or she this time?

- She's the one.

- Come outta there!

Damn kidney stones!

- So, what do you think?

Should I ask her to move in?

- What?

Hell, you ask Jimmy.

He's the expert on this stuff.

- I figure you've

rolled over a few women.

- Oh hell, I've

done more than that.

But honestly Wilbur, you

got a bunch of weirdos

online, you know?

So you got to be really careful.

- You're right.

Thanks.

- It's rough.

These damn kidney

stones is rough.

- That was Susan.

Looks like we'll be

heading out tomorrow, boys.

- Righteous.

- Just like the old days.

- Guys, this is gonna be great.

- Yep.

- You made my day,

you know that?

- Hey, what are

friends for, huh?

- Right.

Right, right.

- To great friends.

To an amazing trip, and

unforgettable memories.

- Hey, Gerry.

Hey baby.

Hey!

- Hey guys.

- Give me that fishing pole.

- This is exactly what I needed.

A couple days to clear my

head, do a little fishing.

Heck, I might even

tackle some hiking too.

- There better not be

any snakes out there,

I'll tell you that.

- The only snake you're gonna

find is right here.

- You are nasty.

- Say what you want,

but I'm the one

pickin' up all the hot broads.

- Jimmy, your

Jimmy ain't seen no coochie

since you dropped

out of your mama.

Me on the other hand,

man I been wearin'

this wheelchair out.

I even completely wore

out a set of brakes.

Oh oh oh baby.

- Guys, can we have

at least one trip

without hearing

about your sex lives?

- Or lack of.

- Whatever.

Just remember this.

I'm gettin' some

tail this weekend

with or without you guys.

- Don't look so depressed.

We're having fun.

Remember that.

- Yeah.

I can't believe I didn't

figure it out sooner.

I mean, all this time

this guy is coming over

to my house, working

on my wife's computer?

The only hard drive he

was replacing was mine.

- I know exactly how you feel.

Granted I was never married,

but I was in a serious

online relationship.

You know the thing that

bothered me the most?

She never sent me

her profile photo.

She said, "You should

love me for who I am,

"not how I look."

That's all fine and dandy.

I get that.

But when you find

out that the person

that you've been loving

for the past two years

is a man named Walter

living in Romania, well...

It's enough to push

anyone over the edge.

- Oh God.

Here we go again,

listening to Wilbur

talk about his loverboy.

- Walter, kiss me.

Mwah mwah mwah mwah.

- Shut up!

This is serious!

- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Anyhow.

I feel like we have something

in common, you know?

- Yeah.

- Pit stop!

- Hey boss, I'm gonna

take 20 on pump three.

You got a bathroom?

- Yeah, it's in the

back on the right.

- Thanks.

I know a girl

She lives on the hill

She won't do it

but her sister will

When she boogies

She does the

tubesteak boogie

- Hey Wilbur, a

little more gas huh?

No more gas.

All right, brakes.

Brakes!

- What?

- Brakes!

- Brakes!

- Brakes!

- Jesus.

F***.

- Hey guys, we're here.

- Thank God.

We almost died.

- Man, you know I

ain't got a license.

- This is something.

- It's like we're in paradise.

- I know there's some hot

babes out in that water,

just waitin' for a stud like me.

- Hang a left up there.

- You gonna open the door?

Piece of sh*t.

- Come on, Jimmy.

- All right.

- Well, what do you guys think?

- It's home for a few days.

- Uh, not bad.

I've seen worse.

- Come on in, guys.

Come in.

- Holy crap.

Where in the hell did

you find this place?

- Craigslist.

The guy only wanted 300

bucks for the weekend.

- 300 bucks?

This is like a

f***in' sleaze shack.

- Looks cozy to me.

- Hey, even got a shitter.

- I gotta take a piss.

- Hey Gerald, you want

a sausage or a weiner?

- I could suck

down a few weiners.

- Okay.

Here you go.

- Thanks.

- Reggie?

Ah.

Wilbur?

- Oh, no thanks.

I'm trying to lose weight.

- Like whatever

you're trying to lose

found its way back already.

- Come on, Wilbur.

We're supposed to be having fun.

Remember that's

what you told me?

Take one.

- What the hell, give me three.

- Now we're talkin'.

- Just one at a time, though.

I don't want to choke.

- But first, we gotta

slather it full of mustard.

- Oh!

10 second rule.

You know, I was doing

some research online

before we left, and it turns out

that there's a maniacal

sociopathic psyhopathic

serial killer

that used to roam

around in this area.

- Say what?

- Oh yeah yeah yeah.

In 1987 a man named

Peter Walkins,

he brutally murdered

over 30 people.

It turns out that they

were his ex-customers,

and he was upset

'cause they no longer

would want to buy his oranges.

- Oranges?

- Oh yeah yeah.

And he had a hook for a

hand and he would use it

to gut them open.

- Oh my God.

- Whoa.

What a way to go.

- So, why are you telling

us all this stuff?

- Wait a minute.

Did they ever catch him?

- Nope.

One of the area's great

unsolved mysteries.

Some of the people think

that he's still out there.

Waiting to kill again.

Come on.

It's an urban legend.

- Oh.

- Well, on that note, I gotta

go drain the old baloney pony.

- I gotta go too.

These rocks is rattlin'

inside me like a penny

in a jelly jar.

- Reggie, you find

your own tree.

I don't feel like

gettin' pissed on.

- Jimmy, behave.

- What?

- It's all right, Gerald.

I ain't gonna piss

on the a**hole.

- I could go with you Reggie.

- Get the f*** outta here.

- Oh.

Well well well.

What do we got here?

Oh.

Yeah baby, take those

sweaty panties off.

Oh.

Thank you God.

Ah.

Oh yes.

Oh.

You dirty little girl.

I'd like to spank you right now.

Oh.

Wilbur, Gerald?

Is that you?

You perverts aren't

watching me pee, are you?

Oh.

The party's still on.

Oh.

I'm coming.

Oh oh.

- Hey Gerald.

Gerald.

Hey Jimmy.

Jimmy.

- What?

- Somebody's out here, man.

- I don't know, man.

- Come on Reg.

Don't be a sissy.

Open up that door.

- Oh man.

My head is pounding.

I drank way too much last night.

- Somebody's at the door.

- Well, let's just

go see who it is.

There's nobody there.

Reggie, we're 15

miles from town.

Not even those

Jehovah's Witnesses

could find us out here.

I'm going back to bed.

- So what's the plan for today?

- I thought we could

do some fishing.

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