The Orange Man Page #3

The cabin came with a boat.

- Hey, you guys know

how I feel about boats.

I can't swim.

- We'll get you a life jacket.

You'll be fine.

That water's only

about 20 feet deep.

- Of course, there are

sharks in there too.

- What?

Oh hell no.

- No Jimmy, come on.

- I'm sorry.

Couldn't help myself.

But you guys missed

out last night.

This broad had the biggest

tits I've ever seen,

and I coulda sucked all

the juice out of them.

I'm hoping to bump

into her again later.

I can't wait to

use one of these.

- Oh I can't believe it.

- What is it?

- Deborah and her

boyfriend Roger.

- So that's the little twerp?

- Why would she come here?

- Hell if I know.

It's not enough that

she ripped my heart out

and tore it in half.

I have to see her

with that bastard.

- Hey Reggie.

What do you say we go

over and kick his ass?

- I'm down for some

sh*t like that.

- Guys, please.

Don't make a scene.

With all I'm going

through with this divorce,

I've got too much to lose.

- Don't worry Gerry boy.

We got this.

- Oh boy.

- Hey.

Are you Roger?

- Babe, I got this.

Yeah.

Who the hell are you?

- Your worst nightmare.

- That's enough.

That's enough.

- Leave him alone!

- Loser!

- Go home to mama, you big baby.

- F*** you, you crybaby!

- Guys, we better get

going before the cops come.

- Not a bad idea.

- You hear that?

- Hear what?

- Peace and quiet.

The sound of relaxation.

- I don't hear nothin' but bugs.

And it smells like

owl sh*t out here.

Whoa.

- Hey, relax Reggie.

- Thought I felt a bump.

- You got your brakes on?

- Eh, they all busted up,

courtesy of Roger's knuckles.

- You'll be fine.

It was just a small wave.

- That's not the point.

I'm trying to stay

alive out here.

- Guys, I want to tell you,

thanks for being

such great friends.

I mean, what started

with a crappy week

has the beginnings

of a great weekend.

- I can toast to that.

- I mean, how long

has it been anyways?

I don't think I've done anything

like this since college.

I mean heck, Reggie

could even walk.

- Way too long.

To be totally honest,

I don't know why

we don't do this more often.

- Whoa!

Whoa!

This sucker's huge.

Wow, look at him.

He must be a 20-pounder.

Gah!

- Come on.

Keep goin'.

Keep goin'.

- Reel him in, you weakling.

- Come on.

- You shut up.

Holy sh*t.

Look, it's him!

Over there.

- Oh great.

- Back for more, huh?

- Well, if it isn't

the gay squad.

- Why don't you piss off?

- Oh, tough guy now huh?

Funny you weren't such

a hotshot back in town

when your friend

sucker punched me.

- You were warned, a**hole.

- Well now I'm

giving you a warning.

We're filing charges

for attempted murder.

- That's right, and

you're all going to jail.

- Hope your soap comes

on a rope, b*tches.

- Hey, shut up!

- You first, cripple.

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Watch how you talk about

my friend, you little twig.

- I got your back Jimmy.

- You know why Debs and

I are such a hot item?

Because I rock her world.

I take her to the moon and back.

Unlike you Gerald, with

your limp little worm.

Blablablabla.

- It's a tiny one.

- That's not true.

- Oh, that's not what I heard.

- I suggest you leave

before we have words.

- Well you want to fight me?

Come on, right now!

- Let it go, babe.

We'll have our day.

In court.

- Hey, I'm a Roger.

Rogers don't back down.

Take a good look fellas.

This is what a real

man looks like.

- Flex your battleships, Rog.

- You sons of d*cks!

- You a**hole.

You're suck a

jealous prick Gerald.

I hate you.

- You showed him.

- That's two ass

whoopings in one day.

- Run away, run

away you dipstick.

- Get those sons of b*tches!

- Guys, guys.

Look out guys!

- Help!

Help I'm drowning!

You cocksucker!

- Reggie, the rope.

- Grab the rope.

- Go on.

Give it a go.

How's that?

- It's no use.

It's ruined.

- It just needs a little lube,

and you know I always

carry some of that with me.

Yeah, get it in there.

Try it now.

- You fixed it.

Thanks Jimmy!

You're a f***ing genius.

Oh wow.

Lookie here.

- Yeah, we'll be there shortly.

Just to verify, we'll be going

over the purchase agreement

and power of attorney.

Hello?

Sir?

Are you still there?

Daggone it.

You gotta be kidding me.

- I'm lucky to get

one bar out here.

Reception is horrible.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- So you, uh, ready

to hit the road?

- Yeah.

Let's get this knocked out.

Guys, we'll be back in

a couple hours tops.

- We'll be fine.

Go on and get out of here.

- Hey, where them guys going?

- I don't know.

They're supposed to be

going to some meeting.

So is it better?

- It's great man, just like new.

- Hey Reggie.

- Hm?

- I think they're gone.

You want to go do

some birdwatching?

- Count me in, baby.

I'm ready to roll!

Whoa.

Dang it.

- I don't know how

to drive this thing.

- Holy sh*t.

Not the f***in' stairs.

Holy f***.

See anything?

Man, I'm getting a woody

just thinking about it.

- And nothing yet.

- Let me see those.

Oh, lookie lookie lookie.

I found me a cookie.

- What is it?

- Somebody doing the

tubesteak boogie.

- Let me see.

Let me see.

Unfuckinbelievable.

It's Deborah and her boyfriend.

- What does she look like?

Is she naked?

- No.

I got an idea.

Come on, let's go.

- Fine then.

Hey Jimmy.

- Ah, son of a b*tch.

Are you stuck again?

- Guys, I really don't think

this is such a good idea.

- Sure it is.

- I'm in hot water as is.

- Listen, you haven't

been able to relax

since we've been here.

How are we gonna have any

fun if you're constantly

worried about running

into Deborah and Roger?

Besides, it's not like

we're gonna kill them.

- That's right.

We're just gonna give

them a little scare,

incentive to go home early.

- Gerald, I been

scared my whole life

ever since the accident.

- You know, you never

did tell me about that.

- I guess I was too embarrassed.

- It's okay Reggie.

The first step to healing

is talking about it.

- Maybe you're right.

All right.

Well...

I was running late

for a job interview

and it was for a

big position too.

Anyway, it was at

a place downtown

and I went and I pushed

the elevator button.

After about what seemed

to be an hour or so,

the elevator came.

The door opened,

I walked inside,

and I seen a penny on the floor.

And my granddaddy

always said that

if you ever found a

penny, that's good luck.

And I figured if I got this

job I'd be sitting pretty.

So I went out to get the

penny, but I tripped,

and the elevator door

closed and smashed my legs.

Then the elevator

started going up.

What was left of

my battered legs

started bouncing off

the elevator ceiling

and broke my legs

in over 900 pieces.

- Whoa, I had no idea.

- You ever heard a

chicken bone snap?

Pow pow pow pow pow!

Pow pow!

Crack crack twist.

I'm telling you man,

ever since then

I've been afraid.

I've been afraid

to take a chance.

Well now this is your chance.

And you take it.

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