The Orange Man Page #4

- Jimmy.

What did you have in mind?

I wish Reggie could be here.

- Yeah but, we can't risk

his wheel getting caught

when we run off.

- What the hell did you drink?

You pee like a racehorse.

- I've been holding

it for hours.

- It smells like asparagus.

- Enough already.

- Okay.

- All right boys, let's go.

- Roger,

did you hear that?

- No baby, it's nothing.

Let's go again.

- You want to play

who's at the backdoor?

- Oh, you are dirty.

- Roger, we're not alone.

Oh my God, what if

it's a grizzly bear?

- Would you calm down?

- Well go check.

- Fine, okay.

- Come on.

Be careful honey.

- Oh they're coming!

It's coming!

Somebody's out there.

Better come the f*** out

or I'm gonna cut you.

Come on you son of a b*tch.

Come on out or I'll

cut your f***ing head!

He's out there!

He's out there!

I told you!

I told you he was out there!

I told you he was out there!

I told...

- Oh my little pumpkin.

Look what they did to you.

Oof.

Did you at least see who it was?

- No.

But I've got a pretty good idea.

- Well, anyways.

Where were we?

- You're making me frisky.

- Oh baby, just

the way I like you.

- All right.

That freaking does it!

It's your husband, I know it.

- Goddamn.

Why can't they just

leave us alone?

- This ends now.

I can see you, you idiot.

- Yeah, get lost before

he breaks your nose.

- They just don't

learn, do they?

Last warning, punk.

You'll pay for that, hotshot.

- Care for an orange?

- Oh no!

- I knew this was a bad idea.

Now we have a broken

window to pay for.

- Hey, how can you be

so sure Roger did this?

- After what we did to them,

I can guarantee you it was them.

- Well whoever did

it, they're gone now.

- Sh*t.

- Hey, it's just a window.

We'll say a blue

jay flew through it.

An act of God.

They're not gonna

make you pay for that.

- Whatever.

I'm goin' to bed.

- Who's gonna pick

up all this glass?

- Don't look at me.

You better talk to Jimmy.

- Why does it smell

like pee in here?

Can you believe this?

- Wow, they really did a number.

Sorry Wilbur.

They must have keyed

it to get even.

It's evidence now.

So much for their lawsuit.

- So much for my van.

- Hey Reggie, come on in.

The water's nice and warm.

- F*** you.

I'm fine just where

the f*** I am.

- Leave him be.

You know he's

afraid of the water.

- Especially after

his dip recently.

- You know, I wonder

how many people

have peed in this water.

It's all slimy.

- Well you can add mine

into the list.

- You freak.

- Hey Gerald, why are you

still wearing that ring?

- It means absolutely

nothing to me.

Dead weight.

- So, let it go, would ya?

- It's time.

- Just think, 10 years from now,

some guy's gonna catch

a big old catfish

that swallowed that ring.

It's hard to believe

this is our last night.

- I know.

Time flies when

you're having fun.

We should all do

this again soon.

- You know, my Uncle

Woody's got a place

up in Colorado Springs.

It's supposed to

be good huntin'.

I could make the call if

you guys are up for it.

- Definitely.

Let's make it a little

bit longer this time.

After my divorce gets finalized,

I could use some more time.

- Ouch!

- What is it?

- Something bit me I think.

- Maybe it's a crocodile.

- Very funny.

- They like to hang

out in shallow water,

then they drag you under,

and roll you around

in circles til you're dead.

- He's just messing with you.

- I'm outta here.

- The crocodile's gonna get ya!

Poor Wilbur.

Chicken!

Go find your mommy.

Ah!

What the...

Got ya.

Ah!

Ah!

- I'm not falling for that one.

- Look!

Look!

Guys!

He's not kidding this time guys.

He's got a Komodo dragon

hanging onto his babymaker.

Holy sh*t, he's grabbing

you by your balls.

- Get this

son of a b*tch off!

- Sit down, would you?

- Holy f***.

Get him.

Bring him down.

Bring him down.

You've got to suck the venom

out of his f***ing dick.

- Gotta

suck the venom out!

- He could be

dead in five minutes.

- Hold him down, Gerald!

Hold him down!

- Get off of me!

- I'll get his pants.

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

It wasn't a snake bite.

Get off me.

If was a f***in' turtle.

- Hold his legs down!

- Get off of me.

- You're all right!

He's all right.

He's all right!

- Not a single bite.

You should have seen that

fish I caught yesterday.

A monster.

It must have been 85 pounds.

Look at Jimmy.

Still looking for that heifer.

- He's been looking

for over three hours.

Heck, we haven't

seen another soul.

- Come to think about it,

I don't think there's

any people out here.

- We are the only people here.

Don't you find that

a little bit creepy?

- Nah.

I find it quite relaxing.

Don't have to listen to

any drunk college kids

or dog barking, or

Deborah running her mouth.

- Wow.

Where did that come from?

- Let's just say you guys are

rubbing off on me a little.

Did you give up?

- Nah.

It just hurts when I stand

for long periods of time.

But she's out there somewhere.

When I find her, I'm

gonna make my move.

- Speaking of

that, Gerald, um...

Next week there's a um,

speed dating event

that I'm going to,

and I was just wondering if

you'd like to go with me.

- No thanks.

I'm not really good at

striking up conversation.

- What about that

gal in your office?

- Susan?

You've got to be kidding me.

She wouldn't date a guy like me.

- Hey I've heard she's

got a nice tushie,

all squishy like ham.

Put a little pineapple

and a cherry on top.

Man, I could take a

bite out of them buns.

- Besides, I think I

need a little more time

before I hop into

a relationship.

- Time for what?

Let me give you a little advice.

- Oh, can't wait to hear this.

- If you'd shut that yapper

of yours for a second

you might learn something.

- All right.

We all ears.

- You see, women always

want to be the hero

in a man's life, so you

have to let them know

how lonely you are.

Tug on their heartstrings

a little bit.

Then you invite

them out to dinner.

But you don't want to

come off like a jackass.

You see, most women want babies.

Men don't.

So you get a picture of

one of those orphan kids.

You know the kind,

you pay a penny a day

to save a kid's life?

- Yeah.

- So you take the

picture out at dinner,

and when she sees

it, you let her know

how much you care for this kid,

and you want to

make a difference.

Before you know it, you'll

be riding her like a pony.

- I tried that.

It didn't work a bit.

Heck, I'd put out three photos.

- It's 'cause you're a fat slob.

And you're overly ambitious.

- You're right.

You're right.

You start off with one kid.

Then after a few dates,

you just add some more.

- That's not a bad idea.

- Hey.

It's her.

I'm gonna go get a closer view.

Catch you guys later.

- 20 bucks says he

comes back empty-handed.

- I'll bet you 20 on that.

- Yeah.

- Anyhow, I've had

enough of this.

I think I'm gonna go

for a little hike.

Any takers?

- I'm sitting my ass right here.

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