The Outcasts

1

Richard Nixon High

wasn't the worst place

to spend four years.

Well for the most part.

By and large, it was your

average suburban high school

full of self-segregated cliques

and stereotypical angst,

and at the top of the food chain,

the rich and beautiful.

That's us.

In the background.

There's me, Mindy Lipschitz.

The assault victim.

And the girl with the Home Alone look

on her face.

Oh thanks.

That's Jodi, my best friend.

We've been best friends

since third grade.

I'm the one with the

unfortunate eye patch.

As you can see, my school

kind of sucked for us,

and so did Jodi's aim.

Zombie fascist!

Intended target, Whitney Bennett,

voted most likely to be

charged with war crimes.

She was 5'7" of sculpted,

flawless, sociopath.

Actual target.

Son of a...

Principal Whitmore,

tormenting students since 1979.

So sorry!

And that's how this whole thing started,

the rock that launched a revolution.

X-Files is on tonight.

Can't, I have homework.

What the F?

We get detention and

Whitney does a hair flip

and gets off scot-free.

Well if it makes you feel any better,

in at least one of the

infinite multiverses,

she doesn't.

Hey, I know it seems like high school

is the center of this

universe right now.

Do not say it gets better.

Next year you'll be in nerdvana at MI and I'll still be here

serving quadruple bypass

burgers at TGI Fridays.

Or you could be serving an entirely new

and decidedly classier set in Boston

when you come to live with me.

Great.

So in every multiverse you know of,

I'm still waiting tables.

That's awesome.

I gotta go.

I've got family jazzercise at five.

It's gonna get physical!

Good luck with that jazzercising!

I am in control!

Weirdo!

Maniac!

Hey Dad!

Hey hon.

Mm mmm something smells

scrum-diddly-icious.

How was school?

Oh you know,

legalized torture paid for

by the American taxpayer.

Did you make the appointment

with the college counselor?

Jodi, you're graduating this year.

I think it's time you figured

out where you're headed.

Most likely into a menial job

that doesn't pay a living wage

so I can become a cog

in the 21st century's

version of serfdom.

When did you start

speaking like Trotsky?

Look, I just want you to be happy.

I want you to find

something that you love.

Follow your dreams.

So single 40-something postal carrier

with a PEZ collection

was what you put under

your yearbook photo?

Hey, this PEZ collection

is gonna be valuable one day

and single and widow are two

completely different things.

I know.

Dad, I mean it's been five years.

You know, you're not

getting any younger.

Age is just a number.

That closely correlates with death.

You want me to start dating?

I just want you to find

something you love, Herb.

Follow your dreams.

I'll find a date if

you find a direction.

One of those things is

a lot easier than the other.

It's not finding a date...

And it's not finding a direction.

All right, so here's a new song.

I hope you enjoy it

and by you, I mean me

because I would rather admit

that Taylor Swift's music

has touched my cold, dark heart

than show it to anybody.

It's called Suburbageddon.

Bernoulli's theorem

will be on test next week.

Uh hey Mindy, could you, uh,

stick around for a nanosecond?

Oh, did my Spectro

floato-meter malfunction.

I knew I should have gotten...

Hey, slow down, Sonic.

I spoke with my old roommate

who is on the alumni board at MI and she agreed to set up

a special interview for you.

Are you serious?

As a radiation leak.

Oh my god, this is perfect.

Okay, next step is the interview,

then get in obviously, get

first pick for all my classes,

graduate with honors and

then it will set me up

for one of the more prestigious

graduate programs.

Mindy, one step at a time.

College is about more than

just classes and grades.

It's about exploring, having fun.

I remember staying up

all night with my friends

solving proofs, cracking equations.

It was pretty wild.

But some of my best memories

are just hanging out,

meeting new people, living on the edge.

God I miss college.

Well in my experience,

meeting new people

usually leads to relentless

mockery by said people.

Don't you think that's

a little pessimistic.

Give people a chance.

They can often surprise you.

That is a point worth

considering, Mr. Samuels.

Go forth.

Go!

The world is ready to embrace you.

Boo loser.

Eventually.

Since Mr. Samuels was

basically my real-life Yoda,

I knew he was right.

He'd proven it was time

to give people a chance.

I think we should ask

Whitney to stop torturing us.

Did you forget to wear

your gas mask in lab again?

Whitney's a person too, right?

If we approach her like

confident, mature adults,

she will respect us and then

we can coexist in peace.

Of all the douche-nozzles

in this school,

Whitney is the worst.

She hasn't been that horrible.

What the?

Okay fine.

But it's this or suffer

from abject humiliation

for the rest of the year.

So I said to her if you

don't stay away from Rick,

I will call the police and say

that you molested my hat

and you have to register for that.

I'm here.

Took you long enough.

One center cut rare,

three meatball subs, extra sauce,

a hard boiled egg and a kombucha.

I'm going to die a virgin

and you don't even care.

Shh.

Are you guys selling

band candy or something?

Actually, no.

We were wondering if

we could talk to Whitney

for a second.

Do you have an appointment?

It's fine, Mackenzie.

I want to hear what Bill Nye

and the lesbian have to say.

Hello.

We know that there has

been some bad blood

between us throughout the years,

but we are seniors now

and there is no reason

why we can't finish off

the school year

being civil to each other.

We thought that if we came

and spoke to you like adults,

we could come to some sort of

mutually beneficial agreement.

Wow.

I applaud your courage.

Okay.

Wait what?

It didn't occur to me

until this exact moment

that I kind of respect you.

You didn't change yourself to blend in,

which is much more than can be said

for the rest of these automatons.

Well I'm glad we could come

to this understanding.

Actually, Colin's throwing

a party this Saturday.

You should come.

Thank you for coming.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Ow.

The mean attractiveness of this party

is statistically significant.

How do I look?

Soccer mom goes to the Olive Garden.

I guess we should...

Colin!

Oh perfect.

Thank you for hosting us.

You have a lovely home.

My mom says never come

to a party empty handed.

Sweet.

Oh.

Have fun, baby.

Hey bro, we got next game.

Oh my god.

Is that really how I just

saw my first human penis?

See, we are diversifying

our portfolio of high

school experiences already.

That contains Colin's urine.

Hey.

MIT and what was it?

How's it going, guys?

Well we haven't been roofied yet so.

Wow.

Aren't you enchanting?

This is her trying to be nice.

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