The Owl House

Season #1 Episode #1: A Lying Witch and a Warden

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[Open on a witch with green hair and a staff backflipping onto a cliff. She glares up at a large purple snake]

Gildersnake:
Foolish child! I could swallow you whole! [hisses]

Azura:
Do not underestimate me, Gildersnake, for I am the Good Witch Azura, warrior of peace! [poses as wind blows her hair before dropping into a battle stance and holding her staff like a bazooka] Now eat this, sucka! [fires off staff]

Gildersnake:
[while being shot] No! My only weakness: dying! [collapses]

[Cuts to a doll of Azura and a green snake being held]

Luz:
And that's the end.

Camila:
The end of what?

Luz:
My book report. [the snake hisses and bites the doll] I think I knocked it out of the park.

Principal Hal:
Your book report is why you're in here.

[He gestures to the door, through which we can see two students running by screaming, snakes biting their heads]

Luz:
Oh. That's where the backup snakes were.

Camila:
And what were you going to do with this? [holds up several firecrackers tied together]

Luz:
That was for the Act Three closer.

Camila:
Mija, I love your creativity, but it's gotten out of hand. Do you remember why you were in the principal's office the last three times?

[Cut to Luz on stage at an audition for Romeo and Juliet, holding a spork]

Luz:
O happy dagger, give me death!

[Luz stabs the spork into her torso before tearing her dress, making several links of sausages fall out. Everyone else on stage screams and runs. Cut to Luz sewing a pigeon head onto a squirrel's body, on a platform labelled "baby griffin"]

Luz:
Now for the final anatomically correct touch, spider breath.

[She opens the model's beak. Many spiders come out, crawling over her and the table. People scream in terror, throwing objects everywhere. Cut to cheerleading tryouts, where a girl does a successful backflip. Every other student applauds]

Luz:
You think that's an impressive trick? [throws her pom-poms to the side] Take a look at this. [turns around to reveal she flipped her eyelids inside out] Bleep, bloop, bleep!

[Everyone else screams and runs, and it sounds like at least one person is gagging. Cut back to Principal Hal's office]

Camila:
We all love that you express yourself, but if you can't learn to separate fantasy from reality, you may need to spend the summer here.

[She holds out a pamphlet for Reality Check Summer Camp. Luz takes it reluctantly]

Luz:
Don't worry, Mom. I won't let you down. [stands up triumphantly] No more weirdness!

[The snake in Luz's hand suddenly jumps out and bites the principal. He falls to the ground with a yell while the snake hisses]

Luz:
That doesn't count, right?

[Cut to Luz, who is standing disappointedly in front of her house]

Camila:
[comes out of the house] Oh! Oh, my baby! [hugs Luz] Now, don't worry. Summer camp is only going to be for three months. You'll be so busy balancing checkbooks and learning to... appreciate public radio, the time will fly by!

Luz:
But I don't like any of that stuff. I like editing anime clips to music and- and reading fantasy books with convoluted backstories.

Camila:
Mija, your fantasy world is holding you back. Do you have any friends? Real ones, not imagined or drawn or reptilian?

[Luz drops her book, disappointed. She walks slowly over to the trash bin]

Camila:
Summer camp is a chance to make some friends, but you have to try. Can you do that?

Luz:
Yes, Mom.

[Luz puts her book, The Good Witch Azura, into the trash bin. Camila's phone vibrates in her purse]

Camila:
Oh. I gotta go to work. [kisses Luz's forehead] Your bus is coming soon. Text me when you get there. Cuídate mucho, mija. ¡Qué te vaya bien! [walks away]

Luz:
Bye, Mom. [watches her leave, then gasps and rummages through the bin] Where is it? Where is it?

Owlbert:
[hoots]

[Luz looks up and sees Owlbert, her book sticking out of the bag in his beak. He turns and flies away]

Luz:
Tiny trash thief!!

[Luz chases Owlbert. She pauses when the reach a decrepit abandoned house, but Owlbert continues right inside. Luz stares at the house]

Luz:
[growls]

[Steeling her nerves, Luz runs inside. The front door slams shut behind her, and the entire inside glows, visible through the windows and the holes in the roof]

[Cut to the inside of a tent, where a door unfolds in three parts before opening. Owlbert hops through it, and a second later, Luz follows]

Luz:
Stop adorably hopping away, you‐‐ Huh? [looks around the tent, which is full of old odds and ends] Whoa. I thought I had a lot of weird stuff. [grabs a creepy-looking doll] But this? This is impressive.

Eda:
[offscreen] Finally, you're back.

[Luz makes a noise and drops to the ground. She peeks back up and walks forward, moving the flap of the tent aside to see the back of a woman]

Eda:
Now let's see what we've got here.

[Owlbert lands on top of Eda's staff. She turns him around, and he becomes a wooden fixture of the staff]

Luz:
[gasps]

Eda:
[takes out a phone from the bag] Garbage. [takes out a ring] Garbage. [takes out a golden shining trophy] Garbage. [gasps] Now, this... [takes out a pair of joke glasses with eyes on springs and puts them on] This will make me rich. [takes out Luz's book] And this... Oh, this will make good kindling. [holds the book with candle]

Luz:
[gasps; runs out of the tent and grabs her book back] Excuse me, sorry, it's mine, thank you.

[Luz runs back into the tent and heads for the door. It folds up before she can walk through it and disappears. Camera zooms out to show Eda holding a key with an eye on it, the same eye that was on the door]

Eda:
[takes off the glasses] You're not going anywhere.

Luz:
Wah-ah!

[She shoves Azura into her messenger bag and ducks out the back of the tent. She runs, and skids to a stop mere inches away from falling off a cliff. She's clearly no longer on earth, the town before her being made up of far too many arms and teeth. A dragon flies by and is caught by one of said arms. Cut to denizens of the town going about their days: a cloaked figure holding an ice cream cone which eats someone, the legs of what appear to be a giant chicken, a centipede-looking thing opening its mouth to let a winged creature fly out. The latter two kiss before going their separate ways. Cut back to Luz]

Luz:
[backing away from the cliff] Oh, no, no, no, no! What's going on? [shrieks as a fairy approaches her] Oh, hello, little fairy. Are you going to tell me this is all a fantastical dream?

Fairy:
Give me your skin!

Luz:
[screams, slaps the fairy into the ground] Where am I? Did I die? Am I in the bad place?

Eda:
[touches her shoulder] You wish.

Luz:
[sits down on a stool] I'm so sorry! I just wanted my book! If you're gonna eat my skin, [offers her arm and closes her eyes] just make it quick! Just do it now!

Eda:
Eat you? Why would I eat... a potential customer?

Luz:
[opens her eyes]

Eda:
Can I offer you a human foot filled with holes? [holds up a green Croc, then puts it aside and grabs a stick of men's deodorant] A bar of green human candy? Oh, oh! How about this black shadow box that reflects only sadness? [holds a portable tv up to Luz]

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