The Owl House

Season #1 Episode #9: Something Ventured, Someone Framed

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[Open on a Hexside classroom, in which is the Human Appreciation Society. Various human items, incorrectly labelled, are on a desk. Among them are a cheese grater labeled "nail clippers," a bag of chips closed with a flip phone labelled "whoopie cushion," an upside down umbrella hat filled with leaves labelled "food bowl," a Rubik's Cube labelled "weapon?", and a paper clip labelled "pay-per-clorp."]

Gus:
Behold. The wonders of the human realm. [picks up the paper clip] This little fella's one of their most valued objects. It aids in the compiling of printed wisdom, the scratching of gunk from under your nails, and my favorite... It even mimics the sounds of the human ocean.

[twangs]

Gus:
Aah! The human realm. So beautiful. [walks over to the chalkboard] It's safe to say that the pay‐per‐clorp is a stunning testament to human ingenuity. Any questions?

[He turns around to face the rest of the club. Eileen, Bo, and the unicorn Bard track student are all falling asleep, and Mattholomule looks thoroughly bored. He raises his hand.]

Gus:
Ah! Our newest member: Mattholomule.

Mattholomule:
A‐Augustus, is this what the president of the Human Appreciation Society thinks passes as "Human Artifacts"?

[Gus looks confused.]

Mattholomule:
Because at my old school, [pushes aside Gus's stuff] we had real treasures.

[Mattholomule empties his bag onto the desk, dumping out a rock painted to look like a cell phone, an egg with a skull painted on it, and a shoe made out of mud, leaves, and twigs. They're labelled "cellular phone," "human skull," and "sports footwear" respectively. The other members of the club gasp and lean closer to them.]

Bo:
So real.

Boy:
Wow!

Bo:
I‐‐ I wanna touch them.

Mattholomule:
Go ahead. In my club, we didn't have any dumb rules.

Gus:
[gasps and turns to his list of rules] Shh. He didn't mean that.

[Gus glares at everyone touching Mattholomule's objects, then takes them away.]

Boy:
Hey!

Bo:
What?

Eileen:
[grunts]

Gus:
Well, this isn't your club. Thankfully.

Mattholomule:
Exactly, who thinks I should be president?

Eileen:
I do!

Bo:
Mattholomule for prez.

Boy:
I'm an undecided voter. I wanna touch all the objects first.

[Eileen and Bo talk over each other as Gus picks up the "phone."

Gus:
These are fakes.

Bo:
[gasps] What?

Mattholomule:
[stammers] You can't prove that! [inhales] You're just trying to distract these human appreciators. You're afraid of getting kicked out of office. It's your word versus mine.

Eileen:
[mumbling]

Bo:
I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Boy:
My faith in Gus has been broken.

[Gus walks backwards into the chalkboard. He looks at a newspaper clip with a picture of Luz on it.]

Gus:
What if I brought in an expert?

Mattholomule:
Yeah, right. Who can you find that's a bigger human expert than any of us?

Gus:
How about a real human?

Eileen:
[mumbling]

Bo:
Why the secrets?

Boy:
Show don't tell, man.

Mattholomule:
Yeah. Uh‐huh. A‐And you've never brought your friend here. Why?

Gus:
Well, she's busy. She's got a job. But I'll bring her in tomorrow. She'll prove I'm right.

Mattholomule:
[scoffs] Ah, sure you will, Augustus. Sure you will.

[Gus grows visibly nervous.]

[THEME]

[Cut to the Owl House living room, where Luz and Eda are rummaging through boxes. King is laying on the couch and Gus is standing in front of Luz.]

Luz:
Gus, I'd love to go to school with you, but I don't know how I can. [points to her banned poster] Principal Bump banned me from Hexide.

Eda:
But nothing. Bump did you a favor. There ain't nothing for you at that dweebus factory. [to Gus] No offense, dweebus.

Gus:
It's okay. I come from a long line of dweebuses.

[Luz slams the box she's holding down, making it clatter. She stands and looks at Eda.]

Luz:
Well, I would love to go some day. Better than unpacking boxes in the Eda Coven.

Eda:
Oh, you think you're clever, huh? [stands]

King:
Ooh! Fight, fight, fight!

Eda:
Can it, King! First off, it's the "Bad Girl Coven" and second off, I guess you don't want in on the T‐shirt order, huh?

[She pulls out a piece of paper with a t-shirt drawn on it as rock music plays.]

Luz:
I don't care about T‐shirts, Eda! I want to learn magic, [gestures to Gus] and they teach that at Hexside!

Eda:
I mean, yeah, well, [grunts, leaves]‐‐ I don't wanna hear another word about Hexside, unless it's "Hexside is on fire" and "let's grab front row seats"!

[door slams]

King:
Aw, look what you did. I'm gonna go rub it in. Nyeh! [laughs, leaves]

[door opens] [door slams]

Luz:
[sighs and sits on the couch]

Gus:
L‐Luz, a‐about the ban, I, uh, used my H. A. S. presidential authority to pull some strings. You've been given a full pardon!

Luz:
You mean...

Gus:
I got the ban lifted!

Luz:
Oh my gosh. [shakes Gus] Yes, yes, yes!

Gus:
[grunting]

Luz:
Of course I'll be there tomorrow! Gus, this will be great! [jumps on the couch] I get to see the school and save the president.

Gus:
Great! I'll see you tomorrow!

[Gus leaves.]

Gus:
Yes! You did it, Gus! [dances] ♪ You did it, Gus ♪ ♪ You're the smartest You're the best ♪

Hooty:
Sweet moves, little dude.

Gus:
[yelps] I always forget you're there.

Hooty:
I forget I'm here too. Boop.

Gus:
[stares at Hooty] This is gonna work out after all.

[Cut to Willow and Gus standing outside of Hexside the next day.]

Willow:
This isn't gonna work out at all.

Gus:
Well, I feel like I took care of any potential problems.

Willow:
You lied to our best friend and told her you got the ban lifted. That seems like a potential problem to me.

Gus:
You don't understand. The members were going mad. They were bloodthirsty. They were touching objects. I had no choice!

Willow:
Really? What about all the wanted posters around school?

Gus:
[pulls the wanted posters out of his bag] What wanted posters? I also got this. [pulls out a cowl] To keep her undercover.

Luz:
Undercover from what?

[Gus slams the cowl backwards over her head as she squeaks.]

Gus:
Behold your new cowl.

Luz:
Whoa. I love it.

[Gus turns the cowl around and pulls the hood down.]

Luz:
[sniffs] On the Boiling Isles new things smell old.

Gus:
Yep. Put it on. Hide your ears. [chuckles] Wanna keep you under wraps 'till the big reveal.

[Willow frowns.]

Luz:
Oh, a showman. I totally get it. You bring the razzle, [pulls the hood back up] I'll bring the dazzle.

[Luz throws handfuls of confetti. Willow and Gus stare at her.]

Willow:
Do you always have confetti on you or...

[Gus's watch demon screams and bites his arm. He pokes it in the eye to make it stop.]

Gus:
That's my alarm. Uh, we better get going. [drags Luz away] See you after school, Willow.

Luz:
Bye, friend. Be safe. Make good choices.

Willow:
Oh, Gus. I hope you know what you're doing.

[Cut to the Owl House, where Eda is moping outside.]

Eda:
I'm trying to protect her. Hexside chews up anything unique and spits out bland mush. [rips apart a flower]

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