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The Pacifier Page #15
SHANE:
Dislocated nerve, that’s all. He’ll be
fine in (checking his watch) two months.
TODD:
That was awesome.
They walk out. The crowd cheers. Claire, too. Shane
smiles at her as he passes. She gives him a thumbs up.
.
SHANE:
(to Todd)
Let’s go, Todd. I got my troops waiting.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Shane marches the Brownies through a FOREST.
Peter and Tyler in front and rear Snuggles.
He wears
SHANE:
If you’re ever lost in the woods, the
first thing you have to do is find a
source of drinking water! And make sure
it’s potable. If you’re not sure, boil
it for thirty minutes!
The girls are loving it, fascinated.
SHANE (CONT’D)
You have to eat, right? Well let me tell
you you’re not gonna find Girl Scout
cookies out here.
LULU:
We’re Brownies.
SHANE:
No brownies either. A lot of roots are
edible. So is some tree bark. When I
HALO’d into Rwanda, I lived off the
underground fern stem for three weeks!
Shane kicks over a ROCK. Underneath are crawling BUGS.
SHANE (CONT’D)
Insects. They look nasty but they’re full
of nutrients that may save your life.
76.
He scoops up some bugs and EATS them.
BROWNIE:
He’s eating Roly-Polies!
The Brownies are frozen in shock.
SHANE:
(mouth full of bugs:)
Wots of pwotien!
UPBEAT MUSIC kicks in over the following MONTAGE:
.
EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - DAWN
Shane leads the Brownie Troop through Combat exercises.
In unison, the Girls PUNCH, KICK. PUNCH, PUNCH, KICK.
Shane’s got Tyler’s cradle next to him, in between
punches, in perfect tempo, he reaches out and rocks it.
The Duck watches all this -- fascinated.
EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING
The lot is empty. Shane and Zoe sit in the minivan, Shane
holds a stopwatch. He signals her, she burns rubber, and
races through a slalom of orange cones -- she hits EVERY
ONE -- the wheel hubs are CLOGGED with cones. She skids
to a stop just short of the “Severe Tire Damage” spikes.
INT. NURSERY - DAY
Shane changes Tyler’s diaper WITH ONE HAND. In his other
hand he’s reading The Brownie Handbook. It’s open to a
page that reads “Knot Tying.”
The CAST is assembled on stage, where Shane has set up a
scale model of the set on the floor. He illustrates the
stage directions, by moving around toy army men:
.
SHANE:
Okay -- we’ll put Von Trapps here, here,
and... here at the top of the stairs. Now
the Nazis are gonna come in, this way --
and the Von Trapp is set...
He laughs at his own joke... The Kids don’t get it.
Zoe leaps into the minivan through the windows. Zoe peels
out and weaves the cones...
77.
she only clips one, it teeters, but doesn’t fall. Shane
gives her a signal, she throws it in reverse and drives
the course backwards.
EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - DAY
Lulu, in her BROWNIE uniform, ties a complicated knot --
we WIDEN to see she’s tying Shane’s hands behind his
back, as the Brownie troop watches. He counts “1,2,3...”
and then begins wriggling free. They watch closely.
Shane and Zoe are huddled under the minivan’s dashboard.
Shane’s showing her the IGNITION WIRES.
EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
Shane has the Brownies assembled. He’s attached SOFA
CUSHIONS to himself. The Brownies attack, mercilessly.
INT. NURSERY - DAY
Shane changes Tyler’s diaper RAPID-SPEED. Hands a blur.
Todd and “Liesl” work on the You Are Sixteen dance.
TODD:
... your life little girl, is an empty
page/that men will want to write on...
Todd tries the spinning kick, but blows it, landing hard.
Shane blows a WHISTLE.
SHANE:
Why don’t we just let the Nazis win
tonight -- huh? Now. From the top --
think of yourself as a gazelle prancing
over the plains. Graceful.
Todd tries the kick. THUD! Shane BLOWS the whistle.
SHANE (CONT’D)
Gazelle. Prancing. Graceful. Again.
INT. NURSERY - NIGHT
At the end of Peter's crib, Shane performs the “Panda
Dance.” Singing and doing all the moves -- he’s got it
down, adding a James Brown flourish, now and then.
78.
SHANE:
Don’t touch that dial sleep for a while --
HEAAAY! And say good night, Peter Panda.
He does a spin kick. Then he tucks Peter in.
SHANE (CONT’D)
Good night, Peter.
PETER:
(going to sleep)
Good night, daddy.
Shane is so touched, he almost bursts into tears. He
kisses Peter on the forehead.
SHANE:
I’m not your daddy, Peter. But sweet
dreams.
MONTAGE ENDS:
EXT. “PRICE CLUB” STORE - EVENING
The Brownies sit at their cookie table beside the door.
Across the lot, the Chubby Cub Scouts, at their own
table, see them. The Scouts head towards the Brownies.
.
UGLY CUB SCOUT:
Hey Skeever, what’s in a Girl Scout’s
pants when she has diarrhea?
2ND SCOUT
Brown...
He stops short, the Brownies have moved into a FORMATION,
ready to strike, Lulu at the front: it’s (kind of) scary.
LULU:
Go away and we won’t hurt you.
The Scouts share a look -- they LAUGH. The head Scout
steps forward and grabs Lulu’s cookies. In one move, she
spins out of the way and pulls off his neckerchief.
UGLY CUB SCOUT:
Gimme that!
He grabs the neckerchief, but like lightning, she wraps
it around his arm, tying him. She shoves a cookie in his
mouth.
79.
LULU:
Uh oh. You’re gonna have to pay for that.
The Scout struggles, the Other Scouts are scared.
UGLY CUB SCOUT:
Let go! Let go -- MOMMY!
She lets him go -- in a FLIP, he lands on the ground
hard. Lulu lets out another “kia!” The Girls move
forward in unison, striking a cool pose.
INT. “PRICE CLUB” STORE - CONTINUOUS
Shane shops, wearing the double snuggle. As he’s
comparing prices -- he sees, on the security monitor: The
Brownies attacking the Cub Scouts. He smiles, proud.
.
SHANE:
That’s my troop.
EXT. “PRICE CLUB” STORE - A MOMENT LATER
The Cub Scouts have all been tied with their own bandanas
to the CART CORRAL. Shane comes out of the store, and
catches Lulu, using his “catchphrase.”
LULU:
From now on, you do things our way -- no
highway option!
The Scouts nod, terrified. Shane gives her a stern look,
then LAUGHS.
Shane drives. The Brownies joyously CHANT a MARCH.
BROWNIES:
I don’t care what has been said,
Brownies rock! Full speed ahead!
Give me guff, I’m in your face!
Brownies rule the human race!
SHANE:
Sound off!
BROWNIES:
One two! Three four! One TWO THREE FOUR!
INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - LATER
Shane works his way down the hall, checking on the kids:
80.
-LULU’S ROOM:
LULU is asleep.-TODD’S ROOM:
The door is OPEN -- Shane peers in. Toddhas a SWITCHBLADE. He is practicing with it, clicking it
open, tossing it hand to hand. Off Shane’s look:
TODD:
West Side Story auditions in two weeks...
Shane takes the switch blade, and performs an AMAZING
trick with it, spinning it like a pro.
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"The Pacifier" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_pacifier_1005>.
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