The Pacifier Page #15

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SHANE:

Dislocated nerve, that’s all. He’ll be

fine in (checking his watch) two months.

TODD:

That was awesome.

They walk out. The crowd cheers. Claire, too. Shane

smiles at her as he passes. She gives him a thumbs up.

.

SHANE:

(to Todd)

Let’s go, Todd. I got my troops waiting.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Shane marches the Brownies through a FOREST.

Peter and Tyler in front and rear Snuggles.

He wears

SHANE:

If you’re ever lost in the woods, the

first thing you have to do is find a

source of drinking water! And make sure

it’s potable. If you’re not sure, boil

it for thirty minutes!

The girls are loving it, fascinated.

SHANE (CONT’D)

You have to eat, right? Well let me tell

you you’re not gonna find Girl Scout

cookies out here.

LULU:

We’re Brownies.

SHANE:

No brownies either. A lot of roots are

edible. So is some tree bark. When I

HALO’d into Rwanda, I lived off the

underground fern stem for three weeks!

Shane kicks over a ROCK. Underneath are crawling BUGS.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Insects. They look nasty but they’re full

of nutrients that may save your life.

76.

He scoops up some bugs and EATS them.

BROWNIE:

He’s eating Roly-Polies!

The Brownies are frozen in shock.

SHANE:

(mouth full of bugs:)

Wots of pwotien!

UPBEAT MUSIC kicks in over the following MONTAGE:

.

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - DAWN

Shane leads the Brownie Troop through Combat exercises.

In unison, the Girls PUNCH, KICK. PUNCH, PUNCH, KICK.

Shane’s got Tyler’s cradle next to him, in between

punches, in perfect tempo, he reaches out and rocks it.

The Duck watches all this -- fascinated.

EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING

The lot is empty. Shane and Zoe sit in the minivan, Shane

holds a stopwatch. He signals her, she burns rubber, and

races through a slalom of orange cones -- she hits EVERY

ONE -- the wheel hubs are CLOGGED with cones. She skids

to a stop just short of the “Severe Tire Damage” spikes.

INT. NURSERY - DAY

Shane changes Tyler’s diaper WITH ONE HAND. In his other

hand he’s reading The Brownie Handbook. It’s open to a

page that reads “Knot Tying.”

INT. OLD FACTORY - DAY

The CAST is assembled on stage, where Shane has set up a

scale model of the set on the floor. He illustrates the

stage directions, by moving around toy army men:

.

SHANE:

Okay -- we’ll put Von Trapps here, here,

and... here at the top of the stairs. Now

the Nazis are gonna come in, this way --

and the Von Trapp is set...

He laughs at his own joke... The Kids don’t get it.

EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - DAY

Zoe leaps into the minivan through the windows. Zoe peels

out and weaves the cones...

77.

she only clips one, it teeters, but doesn’t fall. Shane

gives her a signal, she throws it in reverse and drives

the course backwards.

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - DAY

Lulu, in her BROWNIE uniform, ties a complicated knot --

we WIDEN to see she’s tying Shane’s hands behind his

back, as the Brownie troop watches. He counts “1,2,3...”

and then begins wriggling free. They watch closely.

EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - DAY

Shane and Zoe are huddled under the minivan’s dashboard.

Shane’s showing her the IGNITION WIRES.

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY

Shane has the Brownies assembled. He’s attached SOFA

CUSHIONS to himself. The Brownies attack, mercilessly.

INT. NURSERY - DAY

Shane changes Tyler’s diaper RAPID-SPEED. Hands a blur.

INT. OLD FACTORY - NIGHT

Todd and “Liesl” work on the You Are Sixteen dance.

TODD:

... your life little girl, is an empty

page/that men will want to write on...

Todd tries the spinning kick, but blows it, landing hard.

Shane blows a WHISTLE.

SHANE:

Why don’t we just let the Nazis win

tonight -- huh? Now. From the top --

think of yourself as a gazelle prancing

over the plains. Graceful.

Todd tries the kick. THUD! Shane BLOWS the whistle.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Gazelle. Prancing. Graceful. Again.

INT. NURSERY - NIGHT

At the end of Peter's crib, Shane performs the “Panda

Dance.” Singing and doing all the moves -- he’s got it

down, adding a James Brown flourish, now and then.

78.

SHANE:

Don’t touch that dial sleep for a while --

HEAAAY! And say good night, Peter Panda.

He does a spin kick. Then he tucks Peter in.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Good night, Peter.

PETER:

(going to sleep)

Good night, daddy.

Shane is so touched, he almost bursts into tears. He

kisses Peter on the forehead.

SHANE:

I’m not your daddy, Peter. But sweet

dreams.

MONTAGE ENDS:

EXT. “PRICE CLUB” STORE - EVENING

The Brownies sit at their cookie table beside the door.

Across the lot, the Chubby Cub Scouts, at their own

table, see them. The Scouts head towards the Brownies.

.

UGLY CUB SCOUT:

Hey Skeever, what’s in a Girl Scout’s

pants when she has diarrhea?

2ND SCOUT

Brown...

He stops short, the Brownies have moved into a FORMATION,

ready to strike, Lulu at the front: it’s (kind of) scary.

LULU:

Go away and we won’t hurt you.

The Scouts share a look -- they LAUGH. The head Scout

steps forward and grabs Lulu’s cookies. In one move, she

spins out of the way and pulls off his neckerchief.

UGLY CUB SCOUT:

Gimme that!

He grabs the neckerchief, but like lightning, she wraps

it around his arm, tying him. She shoves a cookie in his

mouth.

79.

LULU:

Uh oh. You’re gonna have to pay for that.

The Scout struggles, the Other Scouts are scared.

UGLY CUB SCOUT:

Let go! Let go -- MOMMY!

She lets him go -- in a FLIP, he lands on the ground

hard. Lulu lets out another “kia!” The Girls move

forward in unison, striking a cool pose.

INT. “PRICE CLUB” STORE - CONTINUOUS

Shane shops, wearing the double snuggle. As he’s

comparing prices -- he sees, on the security monitor: The

Brownies attacking the Cub Scouts. He smiles, proud.

.

SHANE:

That’s my troop.

EXT. “PRICE CLUB” STORE - A MOMENT LATER

The Cub Scouts have all been tied with their own bandanas

to the CART CORRAL. Shane comes out of the store, and

catches Lulu, using his “catchphrase.”

LULU:

From now on, you do things our way -- no

highway option!

The Scouts nod, terrified. Shane gives her a stern look,

then LAUGHS.

INT. VAN - DRIVING - DUSK

Shane drives. The Brownies joyously CHANT a MARCH.

BROWNIES:

I don’t care what has been said,

Brownies rock! Full speed ahead!

Give me guff, I’m in your face!

Brownies rule the human race!

SHANE:

Sound off!

BROWNIES:

One two! Three four! One TWO THREE FOUR!

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - LATER

Shane works his way down the hall, checking on the kids:

80.

-LULU’S ROOM:
LULU is asleep.

-TODD’S ROOM:
The door is OPEN -- Shane peers in. Todd

has a SWITCHBLADE. He is practicing with it, clicking it

open, tossing it hand to hand. Off Shane’s look:

TODD:

West Side Story auditions in two weeks...

Shane takes the switch blade, and performs an AMAZING

trick with it, spinning it like a pro.

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