The Pacifier Page #6

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TODD:

That’s what we’ve been doing?

LULU:

But tomorrow’s a school day.

ZOE:

I need a signed release for Driver’s Ed!

LULU:

I’ve got Brownies!

Shane reacts, inundated.

SHANE:

Whoa, WHOA! HALT! We’ll take this hill

one inch at a time. Only then can we

rise to the challenge. All for one, and

one for all!

LULU:

(singing)

“Be all that you can be!”

SHANE:

That’s Army. I’m Navy. But I appreciate

your enthusiasm.

A nice moment. Until -- FWRPPPP!

SHANE (CONT’D)

Tell me that was the duck?

FWRPPP! WE zoom in on the baby’s leering face.

Shane quickly moves the Baby away from his body. Pure

self-preservation, everyone bolts from the room.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Hey. HEY!

Nobody will help. Even Peter runs, holding his nose.

29.

CLOSE-UP - SHANE

He gulps.

INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Shane enters, holding out the Baby at full arm’s length.

He lowers Tyler onto a changing pad, takes a deep breath,

then pulls out PLIERS and a SCREWDRIVER. Using the tools

as chopsticks, he cautiously unfastens the diaper... And

then -- it flops open. Shane GROANS, repelled.

.

SHANE:

The things I do for my country.

Shane tries approaching -- he can’t do it. Aghast, he

looks around for a solution. Then: Shane picks up the

Baby and dips the bottom half in the toilet, then

FLUSHES, over and over and over.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

Shane patrols the hall, making sure all the doors and

windows are locked. Lulu is in her pj’s.

A hand tugs on Shane’s shirt, he looks down to see Lulu.

LULU:

Hi. Zoe thinks you look like the Hulk. I

think you’re cute.

SHANE:

(unsure how to respond...)

Thank you.

Lulu doesn’t go away, she just stares at him, it starts

making Shane uncomfortable.

LULU:

Do you know Kung Fu?

SHANE:

Affirmative.

LULU:

Did you ever punch someone so hard that

their head came off?

Shane walks away from Lulu. She follows. Shane is again

twirling the MEDAL in his fingers. Lulu follows at his

heels, like a puppy.

30.

LULU (CONT’D)

What’s that medal for?

SHANE:

None of your business.

LULU:

I’ll trade you a SpongeBob button for it.

Shane walks room to room, pulling down the shades on

every window.

LULU (CONT’D)

Is that so people can’t hurt us?

He bends down to her level, and tries to sound sweet:

.

SHANE:

I think -- it’s time for you take a nappypoo,

in beddibye land, little girl.

Lulu looks at him, like he’s an idiot.

LULU:

Do I look like I’m five to you?

Lulu sulks off to bed, and shuts off her light.

All the lights are out, all the kids asleep. Shane

breathes a sigh of relief, and patrols.

INT. KITCHEN - BREAKFAST - MORNING

The Kids are dressed for school. On the table in front of

each place is a tan BAG. The kids sit down at their

designated spots, confused by the MRE’s (MEALS READY TO

EAT) in front of them.

SHANE:

What are you waiting for? Dig in.

Todd, Lulu and Zoe all tear open their bags.

Todd pulls out a bag of CORN BEEF HASH and a Snickers

bar. Zoe pulls out a bag of FETTUCCINE ALFREDO and some

matches. Lulu takes out a bag of turkey slices and a

coffee packet. Shane smiles, proud of his accomplishment.

The Kids stare at “breakfast,” dubious.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Don’t worry, I can get lots more of

those. And I’ve survived off this stuff

for months.

31.

ZOE:

Like I’m really gonna eat all those

carbs.

Shane turns to address them:

SHANE:

Okay, ladies. Your mama -- is not here to

take care of you now. So -- here’s how

it’s gonna be. We’re gonna pull together,

all for one, one for all. If I say in,

you stay in, if I say out, you go out...

Peter stands in his chair, dancing...

PETER:

Ba ba do the hokie pokey...

SHANE:

I did not say at ease!

Peter’s eyes fill with tears.

ZOE:

He’s only two, he doesn’t have any idea

what you’re talking about. I don’t have

any idea what you’re talking about...

Shane sighs. Lulu asks Shane:

LULU:

Can you kill a man with your bare hands?

SHANE:

You play too many video games. (then:)

Yes.

LULU:

... I can cross my eyes. Wanna see?

SHANE:

Negative.

Lulu crosses her eyes at Shane, then at Tyler -- who

SCREAMS at the top of his lungs. Shane turns to Lulu.

LULU:

Tyler hates it when I do that...

Peter starts bawling, too. He runs away, crying. The

table cloth is yanked to the floor. And the phone rings.

Shane answers, trying to hear over the screaming.

32.

SHANE:

Plummer residence... yes, I know it’s

Monday. Oh. Thank you, sir.

He hangs up. Zoe smiles at him, innocently.

ZOE:

Who was that?

SHANE:

Your vice principal. He said if you’re

late again, you and Todd are expelled. He

wants to see you in his office. With your

... legal guardian.

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The garage door opens, dramatically unveiling Shane. He’s

wearing Tyler in a SNUGGLE. Across his chest, he’s got a

bandoleer of baby-bottles and juice boxes. Shane can’t

hide his contempt as he sees: Julie’s WHITE MINIVAN. A

bumper sticker declares “World’s Greatest Mom.” Shane

puts Tyler in a CAR SEAT. Its interlocking buckle

connects FOUR WAYS. Shane fumbles with it for a while.

It just doesn’t add up...

.

LULU:

We’re gonna be late.

SHANE:

Not on my watch.

Shane TIES the buckles in a fancy knot.

EXT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The car speeds out of the drive, backwards at sixty

m.p.h.. It does a skidding 180 and heads down the street.

EXT. EAST BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL - 9:29 A.M.

A big suburban school, Busses and PARENTS are parked at

the curb, STUDENTS of all ages are hurrying inside. The

Minivan skids completely sideways, into a TINY parking

spot -- a death defying, perfect parallel park.

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

CLOSE UP ON:
a stopwatch. It hits ZERO, and at that

moment, the SCHOOL’S BELL RINGS.

Holding the stopwatch is the VICE PRINCIPAL MURNEY

(50’s). He’s HUGE and mean.

33.

MURNEY:

I always said these kids didn’t need a

baby sitter, they needed a parole

officer. Looks like Mrs. Plummer finally

listened.

He glares at Shane, and the Kids: Shane sits with Tyler

in a Snuggle, holding Peter on a harness, as he plays on

the floor. The Kids are seated around him, mortified.

MURNEY (CONT’D)

(To Shane)

What’s your name, son?

.

SHANE:

Wolfe. Shane. Lieutenant. I’m in charge

of watching these kids for... a few days.

Murney is unimpressed.

MURNEY:

Baby-sitter huh. Well, whatever work you

can get. I’m Murphy. Duane. V.P in charge

of discipline, conduct and truancy. Top

to bottom, K thru 12. You’re in my house

now, boy. I coach wrestling, too. (re:

Todd:
) And the creeper here played hookey

from every wrestling practice this month.

The Kids crack up. Murney is furious.

MURNEY (CONT’D)

She’s missed twenty-two Driver’s Ed

classes. Out of twenty-three. They’re the

worst students in my school.

WOMAN’S VOICE

Your school?

Murney grimaces as PRINCIPAL CLAIRE NELSON (early 30’s)

enters. She’s attractive, assured, tough. He withers.

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