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The Pacifier Page #6
TODD:
That’s what we’ve been doing?
LULU:
But tomorrow’s a school day.
ZOE:
I need a signed release for Driver’s Ed!
LULU:
I’ve got Brownies!
Shane reacts, inundated.
SHANE:
Whoa, WHOA! HALT! We’ll take this hill
one inch at a time. Only then can we
rise to the challenge. All for one, and
one for all!
LULU:
(singing)
“Be all that you can be!”
SHANE:
That’s Army. I’m Navy. But I appreciate
your enthusiasm.
A nice moment. Until -- FWRPPPP!
SHANE (CONT’D)
Tell me that was the duck?
FWRPPP! WE zoom in on the baby’s leering face.
Shane quickly moves the Baby away from his body. Pure
self-preservation, everyone bolts from the room.
SHANE (CONT’D)
Hey. HEY!
Nobody will help. Even Peter runs, holding his nose.
29.
CLOSE-UP - SHANE
He gulps.
Shane enters, holding out the Baby at full arm’s length.
He lowers Tyler onto a changing pad, takes a deep breath,
then pulls out PLIERS and a SCREWDRIVER. Using the tools
as chopsticks, he cautiously unfastens the diaper... And
then -- it flops open. Shane GROANS, repelled.
.
SHANE:
The things I do for my country.
Shane tries approaching -- he can’t do it. Aghast, he
looks around for a solution. Then: Shane picks up the
Baby and dips the bottom half in the toilet, then
FLUSHES, over and over and over.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Shane patrols the hall, making sure all the doors and
windows are locked. Lulu is in her pj’s.
A hand tugs on Shane’s shirt, he looks down to see Lulu.
LULU:
Hi. Zoe thinks you look like the Hulk. I
think you’re cute.
SHANE:
(unsure how to respond...)
Thank you.
Lulu doesn’t go away, she just stares at him, it starts
making Shane uncomfortable.
LULU:
Do you know Kung Fu?
SHANE:
Affirmative.
LULU:
Did you ever punch someone so hard that
their head came off?
Shane walks away from Lulu. She follows. Shane is again
twirling the MEDAL in his fingers. Lulu follows at his
heels, like a puppy.
30.
LULU (CONT’D)
What’s that medal for?
SHANE:
None of your business.
LULU:
I’ll trade you a SpongeBob button for it.
Shane walks room to room, pulling down the shades on
every window.
LULU (CONT’D)
Is that so people can’t hurt us?
He bends down to her level, and tries to sound sweet:
.
SHANE:
I think -- it’s time for you take a nappypoo,
in beddibye land, little girl.
Lulu looks at him, like he’s an idiot.
LULU:
Do I look like I’m five to you?
Lulu sulks off to bed, and shuts off her light.
All the lights are out, all the kids asleep. Shane
breathes a sigh of relief, and patrols.
INT. KITCHEN - BREAKFAST - MORNING
The Kids are dressed for school. On the table in front of
each place is a tan BAG. The kids sit down at their
designated spots, confused by the MRE’s (MEALS READY TO
EAT) in front of them.
SHANE:
What are you waiting for? Dig in.
Todd, Lulu and Zoe all tear open their bags.
Todd pulls out a bag of CORN BEEF HASH and a Snickers
bar. Zoe pulls out a bag of FETTUCCINE ALFREDO and some
matches. Lulu takes out a bag of turkey slices and a
coffee packet. Shane smiles, proud of his accomplishment.
The Kids stare at “breakfast,” dubious.
SHANE (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, I can get lots more of
those. And I’ve survived off this stuff
for months.
31.
ZOE:
Like I’m really gonna eat all those
carbs.
SHANE:
Okay, ladies. Your mama -- is not here to
take care of you now. So -- here’s how
it’s gonna be. We’re gonna pull together,
all for one, one for all. If I say in,
you stay in, if I say out, you go out...
Peter stands in his chair, dancing...
PETER:
Ba ba do the hokie pokey...
SHANE:
I did not say at ease!
Peter’s eyes fill with tears.
ZOE:
He’s only two, he doesn’t have any idea
what you’re talking about. I don’t have
any idea what you’re talking about...
Shane sighs. Lulu asks Shane:
LULU:
Can you kill a man with your bare hands?
SHANE:
You play too many video games. (then:)
Yes.
LULU:
... I can cross my eyes. Wanna see?
SHANE:
Negative.
Lulu crosses her eyes at Shane, then at Tyler -- who
SCREAMS at the top of his lungs. Shane turns to Lulu.
LULU:
Tyler hates it when I do that...
Peter starts bawling, too. He runs away, crying. The
table cloth is yanked to the floor. And the phone rings.
Shane answers, trying to hear over the screaming.
32.
SHANE:
Plummer residence... yes, I know it’s
Monday. Oh. Thank you, sir.
He hangs up. Zoe smiles at him, innocently.
ZOE:
Who was that?
SHANE:
Your vice principal. He said if you’re
late again, you and Todd are expelled. He
wants to see you in his office. With your
... legal guardian.
The garage door opens, dramatically unveiling Shane. He’s
wearing Tyler in a SNUGGLE. Across his chest, he’s got a
bandoleer of baby-bottles and juice boxes. Shane can’t
hide his contempt as he sees: Julie’s WHITE MINIVAN. A
bumper sticker declares “World’s Greatest Mom.” Shane
puts Tyler in a CAR SEAT. Its interlocking buckle
connects FOUR WAYS. Shane fumbles with it for a while.
It just doesn’t add up...
.
LULU:
We’re gonna be late.
SHANE:
Not on my watch.
Shane TIES the buckles in a fancy knot.
The car speeds out of the drive, backwards at sixty
m.p.h.. It does a skidding 180 and heads down the street.
EXT. EAST BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL - 9:29 A.M.
A big suburban school, Busses and PARENTS are parked at
the curb, STUDENTS of all ages are hurrying inside. The
Minivan skids completely sideways, into a TINY parking
spot -- a death defying, perfect parallel park.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
CLOSE UP ON:
a stopwatch. It hits ZERO, and at thatmoment, the SCHOOL’S BELL RINGS.
Holding the stopwatch is the VICE PRINCIPAL MURNEY
(50’s). He’s HUGE and mean.
33.
MURNEY:
I always said these kids didn’t need a
baby sitter, they needed a parole
officer. Looks like Mrs. Plummer finally
listened.
He glares at Shane, and the Kids: Shane sits with Tyler
in a Snuggle, holding Peter on a harness, as he plays on
the floor. The Kids are seated around him, mortified.
MURNEY (CONT’D)
(To Shane)
What’s your name, son?
.
SHANE:
Wolfe. Shane. Lieutenant. I’m in charge
of watching these kids for... a few days.
Murney is unimpressed.
MURNEY:
Baby-sitter huh. Well, whatever work you
can get. I’m Murphy. Duane. V.P in charge
of discipline, conduct and truancy. Top
to bottom, K thru 12. You’re in my house
now, boy. I coach wrestling, too. (re:
Todd:
) And the creeper here played hookeyfrom every wrestling practice this month.
The Kids crack up. Murney is furious.
MURNEY (CONT’D)
She’s missed twenty-two Driver’s Ed
classes. Out of twenty-three. They’re the
worst students in my school.
WOMAN’S VOICE
Your school?
Murney grimaces as PRINCIPAL CLAIRE NELSON (early 30’s)
enters. She’s attractive, assured, tough. He withers.
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"The Pacifier" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 27 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_pacifier_1005>.
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