The Pacifier Page #5

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INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

The bathroom door opens, and Todd comes sauntering back.

He sees Shane, the destroyed door and wall...

SHANE:

All I need is a hammer and some plaster

of Paris. I can fix this.

A piece of the ceiling falls, hits Shane on the head.

TODD:

Can I get by?

Embarrassed, Shane steps aside, then mutters-

SHANE:

Here’s your bracelet. If you’d been

wearing it, this wouldn’t have happened.

Shane SNAPS it onto Todd’s wrist, and head down the hall,

patrolling. Zoe comes up the stairs, to her room. She

stops at Todd’s door -- they glare at Shane.

ZOE:

He has to go.

Todd nods in agreement.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - MORNING - LATER

.

Shane does one-handed push ups in the living room while

the Duck watches. With his other hand he loads the PHOTO

of the Chun’s license plate into his laptop computer.

His head shifts, he hears something suspicious -- the

rumble of a car approaching.

23.

He rushes for the front door, clicks his alarm remote and

opens it, just as -- WHACK -- the MORNING PAPER connects

with his face, hard. From off-screen we hear a PAPERBOY.

PAPERBOY (O.S.)

SORRY DUDE!

Shane rubs his nose. Lulu screams at the top of her

lungs. Shane turns, to see that Peter is chasing her,

wearing a towel as a sheet. He pretends to be a ghost.

PETER:

Whhhoooooo!

LULU:

Stop it, Peter!

Lulu hides behind Shane. Peter Booos again. Lulu screams.

SHANE:

Hey, hey, good soldiers aren’t afraid of

anything.

LULU:

This house is haunted. Daddy even said

so. He said there’s a ghost.

And then it hits Shane. His eyes light up.

SHANE:

Really? And where is this ghost?

LULU:

I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.

INT. HALLWAY - LATER

Shane walks slowly down the hall. As he walks he glides

his hands along the wall, feeling, pushing, scanning the

ceiling. Searching.

.

INT. STAIRWAY - SAME TIME

Todd and Zoe kneel on the stairs. They surreptitiously

pour COOKING OIL all over the wood.

Then -- a creak. Zoe whispers.

ZOE:

Here he comes...!

Zoe and Todd run downstairs and hide behind the couch.

24.

Shane strides to the top step and RAPS on the wall. He

RAPS again, listening for hollow spaces. Nothing. Shane

lifts his left foot out to take a step down...

When he hears an alert from his laptop. He goes back to

the living room, then turns his attention to his laptop.

MR. Chun’s photo appears next to a VEHICLE REGISTRATION.

Shane scans it...

Todd and Zoe’s faces fall. The footsteps again-

TODD:

He’s coming back-

But Helga, carrying a huge laundry basket, appears, takes

a step onto the stairs -

HELGA:

AHHH!!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! She flies down the greased stairs,

BANGING her head and ass on each step, all the way down.

Finally, BAM! Helga HITS the bottom with a mighty crash.

She screams, as laundry flutters down from above.

.

TIGHT - ZOE AND TODD

They gulp, terrified.

ZOE:

Uh-oh.

EXT. SWISS BANK - DAY

Establishing.

INT. SWISS BANK - DAY

Bill and Julie, looking jet-lagged, sit across a desk

from a SWISS BANKER. He seems to be about 100 years old.

He’s reading a HUGE stack of paperwork with a magnifying

glass, mouthing along in FRENCH. It’s taking him a LONG

time. They wait patiently -- til their patience runs out.

BILL:

As we discussed, this is an urgent

matter.

The Banker puts up a finger to “shush” him. Then looks

back to the paperwork, then licks his finger to turn the

page. He licks his finger again, but can’t get the page

to turn.

25.

He feebly gets up, and shuffles across the room to a

WATER COOLER. He fills a paper cup with water and

shuffles back to his desk. He dips his finger in the

water to turn the page.

JULIE:

Can’t you call somebody? Do something to

get us around all this paperwork?

BILL:

Sorry. Not in Switzerland, I can’t.

Bill can’t stand it anymore. He jumps to his feet.

BILL (CONT’D)

This is absurd. If we can’t get some

faster service, we’re going to have to

file a complaint.

The Banker looks at him blankly.

BANKER:

Marcel!

Another Banker, MARCEL, enters.

MARCEL:

Oui.

BANKER:

Je ne comprende pas.

MARCEL:

(to Bill and Julie:)

I’m so sorry, the chief does not speak

English. But I can tell you -- you will

have access to the box tout-suite. As

soon as your background checks clear.

JULIE:

Thank you. How long is that?

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - SAME TIME

Helga, suitcases in hand, heads to the door -- Shane

tries to block her path. Peter’s in the aquarium. The

duck flies around, QUACKING.

HELGA:

AGGH! These brats! Sugi Pula!

SHANE:

Red Leader, remain calm --

26.

HELGA:

I am calm. I QUIT, that makes me calm!

SHANE:

Let’s not be hasty.

Suddenly, RING! Amid the chaos, Shane moves for the

phone. Helga takes the opening and runs for the door. He

grabs her suitcase. As she tries to wrestle it away,

Shane picks up the receiver.

.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Hello--(

sees Helga crawling away)

Don’t even think about it.

The suitcase handle breaks off, and Helga dashes for the

door. Shane dives, grabbing her foot. He DRAGS her back.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Ah, Mrs. Plummer.

(covering the phone, so Julie

can’t hear the struggle)

No no -- everything’s fine. You’re gonna

be gone how much longer?

There’s a pause, the camera DOLLY/ZOOMS as he says it:

SHANE (CONT’D)

Five business days?

Helga’s shoe comes off -- Helga falls forwards, and Shane

falls back, against the counter.

SHANE (CONT’D)

That is not a problem. Just doing my...

He picks up his hand, that landed on a diaper.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Duty.

Helga’s at the door. Shane body-checks it closed. Helga

struggles to get him off. CRUNCH. Helga chomps down on

Shane’s hand...

SHANE (CONT’D)

Ah! Things are GREAT!!! You do what you

have to do.

Shane lets go. Helga scampers out the door.

27.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Take care, Mrs. Plummer.

Shane hangs up the phone, as Helga makes a dash down the

path to a waiting cab.

EXT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Shane chases Helga to the cab.

SHANE:

Red Leader! I command you to come back!

That is a direct order! You can’t leave

a man behind!!

Helga jumps in the cab.

SHANE (CONT’D)

(SCREAMING)

I don’t know the Peter Panda song!!

As the cab pulls away, in the rear window, Helga glares

back, then does an obscene Romanian hand gesture.

ANGLE - SHANE

His jaw drops in disbelief. He drops his head, defeated.

Then -- he slowly glances up.

ACROSS THE STREET

The Korean couple is staring at him, dumbfounded.

KOREAN WOMAN:

Don’t worry, if she loves you, she’ll

come back.

ANGLE - SHANE

Rises, takes a deep breath and strides inside.

INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Shane enters... to find the kids are all gloomy. The

baby cries.

Shane awkwardly picks the baby up.

SHANE:

Okay, listen up. There’s been a change of

plans. Your mom’s not coming back as

soon as she thought...

28.

LULU:

(worried)

When is she coming back?

SHANE:

Soon. In the meantime, we’re just gonna

have some more big fun.

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