The Pacifier Page #4

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ZOE:

Okay, fine... come on Scott.

Shane grabs Scott by the scruff of the neck.

SHANE:

Not with this kid. (to Todd:) You --

Gimme twenty!

Freaked, Scott fumbles for his wallet and gives Shane a

twenty dollar BILL.

SHANE (CONT’D)

I meant PUSH-UPS!

Befuddled, Scott starts to do lame push-ups. Shane grabs

the back of Scott’s shirt, LIFTING him in the air,

spinning him away from the house like a marionette. Scott

runs off, calling out from across the street.

.

SCOTT:

... I’ll call you, Zoe!

Zoe storms inside. Shane stands there, fuming. The

Alarm’s still blaring. The window of the house next door

opens:
a Korean couple, THE CHUNS, pop their heads out.

They’re arguing with each other in Korean. Shane

addresses them, IN PERFECT KOREAN with subtitles:

17.

SHANE:

My apologies. We had an intruder. A

simple misunderstanding.

MR. CHUN

(perfect English, no accent)

We speak English, Kojak.

SHANE:

Oh. Sorry.

MRS. CHUN

... Look, about the 2000 decibel alarm

and the kleig lights and stuff... we own

a bakery, so we’re up kind of early.

Would you mind?

SHANE:

Sorry.

Shane pulls a remote control from his pocket and clicks

it. The alarm stops.

MR. CHUN

Thanks a bunch. Oh, and we found this in

our pool filter... Try to keep that zoo

reigned in, huh baby-sitter?

Mr. Chun tosses him the TROLL DOLL and slam their window

shut. Shane’s about to head inside, he pulls a tiny

camera phone from his pocket, and snaps a shot of the

Chun’s car in their driveway.

.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - NIGHT

Shane marches Zoe up the stairs. Loud, angry rock music

blares from Todd’s room.

SHANE:

Your mother thought you were in real

danger. You should have told her the

truth.

ZOE:

Who do you think you are -- my dad?

Zoe starts to turn -- then suddenly spins and tries

kicking him in the CROTCH. But Shane catches her foot --

and whirls her away. She has to hop on one foot, to not

fall over. He “hops” her down the hall to her room.

18.

ZOE (CONT’D)

Let me go! It’s Saturday night. I have

plans!

Zoe’s back to her door, Shane flips her foot in the air.

Zoe falls backwards into the room. Shane shuts her door.

SHANE:

Not anymore.

Shane marches back down the hall, bangs on Todd’s door-

SHANE (CONT’D)

Lights out.

TODD (o.s.)

Bite me!

Shane frowns, continues down the hall. He passes the

NURSERY (Peter and Tyler’s room), where Helga is singing

a lullaby:
(as annoying as something Barney might sing).

.

HELGA:

When you’re down and low, lower than the

floor.

And you feel like you ain’t got a chance.

Don’t make a move ‘til you’re in the

groove, and do the Peter Panda Dance.

Just hop three times like a kangaroo -

She does a little “dance” that goes with the lullaby: She

hops forwards three times, then “crab-walks” sideways.

HELGA (CONT’D)

Sidestep twice, just like the crabs do.

Three steps forward, one step back.

She does. The Children, in bed -- laugh and laugh.

HELGA (CONT’D)

Then quick like a turtle lie on your

back!

Wriggle like a snake ‘til you can’t no

more.

She wriggles on the floor. Then jumps up, to their beds.

Shane shakes his head, keeps walking-

SHANE:

This family’s in for a rude awakening.

19.

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - DAWN

The sun rises over the neighborhood, warm orange light.

INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME

Everyone is asleep. In the bedrooms, a SERIES OF SHOTS:

Tyler snores in his crib. Peter in his bed.

.

Lulu is surrounded by stuffed animals.

Todd is out cold, motionless.

Zoe is wrapped in blankets. Until A TRUMPET BLARES

“REVEILLE”! Zoe jumps, like she’s been electrocuted.

ZOE:

Huh? Wha--?!

INT. TODD’S ROOM - MORNING

Todd sits up, disoriented, not understanding what’s

happening. The Whistle GETS LOUDER. Suddenly his door

flies open -- and Shane strides in with a BOOM BOX. Todd

blinks groggily.

TODD:

W-what are you doing??!

SHANE:

You’re burning daylight. Move. Move.

TODD:

It’s Sunday...!

(he squints at a clock)

And it’s six a.m. You’re insane.

Todd pulls the blanket over his head. Shane flips the

mattress over spilling Todd to the floor.

SHANE:

Now move it!

Todd scrambles to his feet and out the door.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

All the little kids are CRYING. Covering their ears.

Helga runs through in hair curlers, half-asleep and

angry, carrying the crying baby.

20.

HELGA:

(She curses in Romanian)

SHANE:

Hey. Not in front of the kids.

She gives him a look of disbelief.

HELGA:

What’s it matter? Nobody speaks Romanian.

SHANE:

Usca mi-as chilotii pe crucea lu mata!

Helga narrows her eyes, shocked.

HELGA:

(She curses Again, in Romanian.)

Shane’s jaw drops.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

The children are assembled, lined up tallest to shortest.

At the end on the floor is Baby Tyler, sucking on a

bottle. Shane firmly starts his Patton speech:

SHANE:

Listen up, ladies. Your behavior is

unacceptable. In order to maintain a

state of safety we need to maintain a

state of discipline and order. I’ve only

got one rule:
Everything is done my way.

No highway option. Do you copy?

LULU:

Do you copy?

SHANE:

What? I said --do you...

LULU:

(”copying” him)

What? I said --do you...

SHANE:

Do not copy me!

LULU:

Make up your mind.

21.

Shane starts to speak then thinks better, he’s furious.

Everyone stares blankly -- a tense silence. It’s broken

by the sound of a large AIR BUBBLE from the aquarium.

LULU (CONT’D)

Peter farted.

Everyone cracks up. Shane tries to maintain decorum. He

reaches into his bag and unpacks a set of small high-tech

SECURITY BRACELETS with a red light and a covered button.

He straps one to each Kid’s wrist.

SHANE:

Tracking devices. Now that I know I can’t

trust you... Never take them off. The

panic button is only for emergencies.

Touch that -- you better be dying, or

you’re dead.

ZOE:

I am not wearing that. Just because my

mom’s paranoid doesn't mean we have to

take orders from you.

He yells at her, Marine sergeant style:

SHANE:

Let me explain how the chain of command

works. I tell you what to do -- and you

do it. End of chain. Now I’m not gonna

have time to learn your names. So you are

-- (pointing) Red 1, Red 2, Red Leader,

Red baby... wait, where’s the older male?

There were five.

HELGA:

(mysterious)

He walks like Dracula, with footsteps

silent like death --

Shane looks to Zoe for translation.

ZOE:

He’s in his room.

Angry, Shane bounds up the stairs.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - SAME TIME

.

Shane marches to Todd’s shut door. He tries the knob,

but it’s locked. Shane bangs hard on it.

22.

SHANE:

Red 4! Open this door!

No answer. Shane turns away from the door and DONKEY

KICKS it...SMASH! The wood CRACKS, then CRASHES inward.

The entire frame collapses.

INT. TODD’S ROOM

Shane charges in-

SHANE:

It didn’t have to go down like-

Todd isn’t there. Down the hall -- a FLUSH. Oops.

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