The Pacifier Page #8

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MURNEY (CONT’D)

Looks like pretty boy there’s all bark

and no bite.

PRINCIPAL CLAIRE

... Don’t even think it, Murney. He’d

kill you so fast, I wouldn’t even have

time to get my camera.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - 2:55

Shane looks exhausted. Peter is asleep in his shoulder,

Tyler is crying, as he keeps watch. The Principal strolls

up.

PRINCIPAL CLAIRE

Another day, another dollar twenty, minus

taxes... aren’t you gonna change him?

SHANE:

I’d love to, for one who’ll eat, and not

cry.

PRINCIPAL CLAIRE

That’s not what I mean, Lt.

Then Shane smells what she means -- Tyler’s diaper is

full. Shane recoils in disgust, holding Tyler out like a

grenade.

SHANE:

Oh --change him. Roger that. Uh...

Panicked, he pushes Tyler towards the Principal.

PRINCIPAL CLAIRE

Sirnosir. Not my job.

SHANE:

But...

PRINCIPAL CLAIRE

Instructions are right on the box.

Bathroom’s down the hall. Have fun.

40.

Just then, an alarm in his Jacket GOES OFF. He looks at

his tracker:
it’s flashing RED 3 RED 3. Shane hands off

Peter and Tyler to the Principal.

SHANE:

Emergency!

INT. 2ND GRADE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Shane runs down the hall, following his tracking device.

It leads him to a door. He bursts though it, doing a

shoulder roll.

INT. 2ND GRADE CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

2ND GRADERS are sitting on the floor. Lulu is in front of

the class, with the Panic Button in her hand. The board

reads:
SHOW AND TELL. Shane lands in fight stance -- the

Class applauds. Next to Lulu is a very upstaged LITTLE

BOY with a FROG. Lulu sticks her tongue out at him.

LULU:

See! My nanny can kick your nanny’s butt.

Shane is furious, but the FINAL BELL rings. At that

moment, his Tracker Alarm sounds again. He looks:

CLOSE-UP ON THE TRACKER SCREEN: Two DOTS labeled RED 1

and RED 2, are heading away from the school fast.

.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Shane runs with Lulu through the mob of Kids. He hands

her to the Principal.

SHANE:

Thanks.

EXT. EAST BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Shane dives into the Minivan. The DOTS on the tracker are

headed North. He speeds away after them.

EXT. BUSY INTERSECTION - MOMENTS LATER

The BLINKING DOTS on his tracker are side by side, racing

down the road ahead of Shane. They make a sharp right.

Shane makes a right, almost tipping the minivan. He

blasts through a red light.

41.

EXT. IN FRONT OF A CONSTRUCTION SITE - MOMENTS LATER

He turns a corner -- a PLYWOOD WALL surrounds the site.

He leaps out of the minivan. He looks at the tracker: Zoe

and Todd are dead ahead, through the fence.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - CONTINUOUS

Two BIG CONSTRUCTION workers are standing on the other

side of the plywood wall -- Shane KICKS out one entire

section, and charges through.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

What hell do you think you’re doing?

He turns around, to see several CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, all

brandishing tools.

SHANE:

Tell me where the kids are and I’ll let

you all live!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

Buddy, you’re about to get a beat down.

Three Workers rush him. Shane easily takes them out. The

remaining Workers give Shane a scared look -- then RUN.

.

ANGLE - SHANE

He’s alone. He catches his breath, then checks his

tracker. Todd and Zoe’s BEEPS are coming from a MANHOLE.

Shane pries off the manhole cover. He looks down.

IN THE MANHOLE - It’s dark and dank.

No sweat. Shane lowers himself down.

INT. SEWER - SAME TIME

Shane lands shoulder deep in DISGUSTING SLUDGE. He

winces, then checks the tracker -- the DOTS are CLOSE,

feet away. Shane trudges through the river of muck.

SHANE:

Red 1? Red 2?

It’s horrific. The DOTS BEEP LOUDER. He’s almost there!

He splashes around a corner -- then gasps -- he sees the

blinking lights below the surface. He takes a deep

breath and dives under. He comes up for air with ZOE and

TODD’S HOMING BEACONS. A note is tied to them: “Ha! Ha!”

42.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Principal Claire sits with the Kids in the living room.

From outside, they hear the front door open, and the

sound of OMINOUS, SQUISHY footsteps.

Then the door swings open, revealing Shane, looking like

a Swamp Creature. Everyone gasps, then covers their

noses. A CUTE YOUNG COP enters behind Shane. Todd

stiffens. Zoe fixes her hair. The Cop looks at them.

CUTE COP:

14 year old Male, weird hair. 16 year old

female. Ditto. (into his radio:) Cancel

that a.p.b..

The Cop turns to Shane, with a smirk.

CUTE COP (CONT'D)

In the future, use our nonemergency

number. That’s the one to call if

nobody’s fleein’ or bleedin’.

The Cop leaves, Zoe checks him out as he goes...

CLAIRE:

Shane are you okay?

SHANE:

(eerily calm:
)

Just fine, thank you.

Covering her nose. The smell is BAD.

CLAIRE:

I should probably get going then. If you

need anymore help... Call.

She practically GAGS as she passes him. Shane looks

around at Scott and Zoe, he doesn’t say anything, but

with his hand he makes a “my eyes on you” gesture.

INT. BATHROOM - LATER

Shane is in the shower. He pours an entire bottle of

SHAMPOO over himself.

INT. BACK YARD - DAY

Shane BURNS his clothes in the barbecue.

43.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

Tyler is in a high-chair, Peter rocks in a cradle-swing.

Shane enters, in just a towel. He sees on the fridge;

Helga’S SHOPPING LIST -- all junk food. He looks at it,

cringing in disgust, before he notices:

Sitting around the table are Lulu’s entire BROWNIE TROOP

-a dozen little girls in uniforms, they’re staring at

him. The Brownies applaud, and whistle.

BROWNIE:

Woo hoo! Hubba hubba!

Shane covers up and leaps into the Family Room, pulling

Lulu after him.

INT. FAMILY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

SHANE:

Who are those people?

LULU:

It’s my troop, it’s Monday. Monday,

Wednesday and Saturday are troop nights.

SHANE (O.S.)

Get rid of them.

LULU:

I can’t. Everybody’s parents go out on

troop nights. They won’t be home ‘til

ten. Mom’s our den mother.

Lulu starts to sniffle, close to tears.

LULU (CONT’D)

Tonight we’re supposed to sell cookies.

SHANE:

Selling cookies isn’t imperative to my

mission.

LULU:

We have to. If we don’t sell enough

cookies, we can’t go the Jamboree, and if

we can’t go to the Jamboree.

(whispers:
)

Come on, Shane. You gotta help me out.

They already think I’m a loser. And it’s

not like I have any other friends, cause

mom never lets me out of her sight...

44.

Lulu’s about to burst into tears. Shane sighs.

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Shane, back in “uniform,” paces in front of the Brownie

Troop. They are assembled, at attention, Indian Style.

SHANE:

Alright, ladies. Here’s how it’s gonna

be. Tonight, I’m gonna be your den --

commander. That means if you want to live

to see tomorrow, do as I say. DO WE

UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?

The Brownies stare art him in stunned silence.

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