The Pacifier Page #9

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BROWNIE:

Den Mother? ... I’m scared of you.

SHANE:

Good. Now -- wait here.

INT. LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATE

The Brownies are in the living room, unpacking boxes of

cookies, getting ready to go. Zoe’s on the phone.

.

ZOE:

... yeah, he’s a total psycho. I think

mom found him from one of those Tough

Love boot camps or something...

Shane blows passed her, revving a cordless POWER DRILL.

VARIOUS SHOTS:
As Shane uses the drill to seal every

window and door. He’s not just locking them -- he’s

SCREWING THEM SHUT WITH DRYWALL SCREWS.

INT. ZOE’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Shane’s finishing up the last window.

ZOE:

This is totally cruel and unusual! You

can’t do this -- we could run out of air!

Shane lifts her window so it’s open a HALF INCH, then

drills it into place. Shane ushers the Troop out the

door, then loads Peter and Tyler into TWO SNUGGLES -- one

attached to his front, the other to his back. Shane

closes the front door and attaches a “Club” lock to it.

45.

EXT. DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Shane Loads the brownies and toddlers into the minivan.

As the minivan pulls out of the driveway, the camera

CRANES up to...

ZOE’S WINDOW:

Inside, Zoe picks up the phone, hits speed-dial.

ZOE:

... he’s got us on lock-down, it’s like

Oz or something. No, not munchkin Oz --

HBO Oz. (she listens:) Hm... I dunno if

that’s a good idea, Scott...

EXT. GROCERY STORE - PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON

Shane pulls the minivan into the crowded parking lot --

the Brownies are all singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the

Wall at the top of their lungs.

.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Shane (double-Snuggled) helps the Brownies set up a card

table to display their cookies.

SHANE:

I gotta get supplies. I can see you

through the window, but if anything

happens...

LULU:

(flashing her bracelet)

I know.

INT. GROCERY STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Shane watches the Brownies on the store’s CLOSED CIRCUIT

monitor, as he pushes a cart into the store. He looks

around at the bright, colorful boxes of Children’s

Cereals, Rainbow Fruit Roll-Ups, Snack packs... NOTHING

looks familiar -- nothing even looks like food.

He sees:
a huge, 100 pack VALUE CASE of SPAM. He smiles.

Tyler looks at him -- “what are you, nuts?”

EXT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS

The Brownies are trying to sell the cookies, but they’re

very shy. SHOPPERS blow passed them without even noticing

them. One of the Brownies spots something...

46.

BROWNIE:

Oh no... they’re back.

SLOW MOTION:
In a shot out of Reservoir Dogs, we see who

she means:
A group of bad ass, chubby CUB SCOUTS. They’re

headed straight towards the cookie table, menacingly.

UGLY CUB SCOUT:

(to another Scout)

Hey Skeever, what’s stinky and floats

‘til you flush ‘em?

2ND SCOUT

Brownies?

The Scouts cackle. The Ugly Scout yanks a box of cookies

away from Lulu. He rips it open, dumping the cookies on

the ground and grinding them with his foot.

.

UGLY CUB SCOUT:

This is Troop 16 territory. How are we

supposed to sell raffle tickets when this

place reeks of your skanky cookies?

2ND SCOUT

BEAT IT, before I get my face punching

badge on you.

The Brownies take off running, clutching their boxes. One

of the Scouts grabs Lulu -- she tugs and tugs, but can’t

get away. Finally, the Cub Scout takes her SCARF. He

laughs, and lets her go. The Cub Scouts high-five.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Shane heads to the Brownie’s table -- but Lulu and the

Brownies are gone. In their place are the Chubby Scouts.

SHANE:

Where are my troops?

UGLY CUB SCOUT:

... I haven’t seen anybody, you Skeever?

2ND SCOUT

Nope. You wanna buy a raffle ticket?

We’re trying to win .22’s.

Around his neck, Shane’s monitor starts beeping. Shane

takes off running in the direction of the signal.

47.

EXT. PARKING LOT - SECONDS LATER

Shane runs up to the minivan. The Brownies are huddled

behind it, trembling.

SHANE:

What happened? (No one answers) Well?

LULU:

Those boys over there broke our cookies.

Shane eyes the Cub Scouts. Dead serious:

SHANE:

Well then -- I’m afraid I have to

eliminate them. If I don’t come back --

avenge my death.

He heads toward the Scouts. The Brownies scream.

BROWNIES:

No!

Shane stops. He bends down, and points at Lulu’s Panic

button. He firmly tells Lulu, who’s close to tears:

SHANE:

This is not a toy. I’m here to protect

you. Not cookies. Get in the car, we’re

going home.

BROWNIE:

You can’t take us home yet, you’re

supposed to take us to dinner.

SHANE:

Where?

INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - A LITTLE LATER - DAY

An extreme CU of the Chuck E. Cheese MANAGER. He wears

braces and head-gear, which causes him to lisp.

MANAGER:

Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese!

Wider reveals...CHAOS. SCREAMING CHILDREN everywhere.

On stage, the Chuck E. Cheese automaton band JAMS.

SHANE:

I wish I were in Chechnya.

A LITTLE LATER:

48.

Brownies are running around, playing video games and skee

ball. Shane’s watching Peter, in the PLASTIC BALL POOL,

while he holds Tyler in the Snuggle. The Manager

approaches Shane.

MANAGER:

Anything elsh I can do for you?

SHANE:

In a big glass (he shows him) This much

ice... this much cyanide.

The Manager laughs, but the headgear seems to hurt his

face when he smiles.

MANAGER:

How ‘bout a re-fill on that pischer of

Mischer Pibb?

SHANE:

What?

MANAGER:

(gesturing:
)

Pischer of Mischer Pibb? Mischer Pibb?

Frustrated, the Manager picks up a pitcher and exits.

Lulu approaches, she grabs Shane by the sleeve and drags

him over to the stand up Mortal Kombat game.

LULU:

Let’s fight!

SHANE:

I’m watching your brother...

LULU:

I pressed two player. I thought you liked

combat. Unless you’re scared.

Shane doesn’t like the sound of that. He steps up to the

machine. He cracks his knuckles, stretches. Then he takes

a joy stick. He checks over his shoulder -- Peter's

happily splashing about in the plastic balls.

ON THE SCREEN:
they each select a fighter. Lulu picks a

small female character. Shane picks a man who looks LIKE

SHANE. They begin, Lulu screams out with her fighter, in

unison:

VIDEO GAME/LULU

Prepare to be annihilated!

49.

She leaps over Shane in a somersault and throws a DOZEN

throwing stars. Then kicks him in the head repeatedly.

SHANE:

That’s not fair. Nobody can jump thirty

feet.

LULU:

The Hulk can.

SHANE:

That wasn’t a documentary.

The second round starts, Brownies have gathered around to

watch. Lulu’s fighter does a series of kicks. Shane can’t

even get one punch in -- she pins him to the ground,

kneels on his head, then kicks him in the face. Shane is

taking it really seriously. He’s really mad.

.

SHANE (CONT’D)

This isn’t fair. My joystick’s broken.

LULU:

You wanna switch?

They switch sides. Round three starts. Lulu’s fighter

picks up Shane’s in the air, spins her, then cracks her

in half over his knee... and then a kick in the face.

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