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The Pacifier Page #9
BROWNIE:
Den Mother? ... I’m scared of you.
SHANE:
Good. Now -- wait here.
INT. LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATE
The Brownies are in the living room, unpacking boxes of
cookies, getting ready to go. Zoe’s on the phone.
.
ZOE:
... yeah, he’s a total psycho. I think
mom found him from one of those Tough
Love boot camps or something...
Shane blows passed her, revving a cordless POWER DRILL.
VARIOUS SHOTS:
As Shane uses the drill to seal everywindow and door. He’s not just locking them -- he’s
SCREWING THEM SHUT WITH DRYWALL SCREWS.
INT. ZOE’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Shane’s finishing up the last window.
ZOE:
This is totally cruel and unusual! You
can’t do this -- we could run out of air!
Shane lifts her window so it’s open a HALF INCH, then
drills it into place. Shane ushers the Troop out the
door, then loads Peter and Tyler into TWO SNUGGLES -- one
attached to his front, the other to his back. Shane
closes the front door and attaches a “Club” lock to it.
45.
Shane Loads the brownies and toddlers into the minivan.
As the minivan pulls out of the driveway, the camera
CRANES up to...
ZOE’S WINDOW:
Inside, Zoe picks up the phone, hits speed-dial.
ZOE:
... he’s got us on lock-down, it’s like
Oz or something. No, not munchkin Oz --
HBO Oz. (she listens:) Hm... I dunno if
that’s a good idea, Scott...
EXT. GROCERY STORE - PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
Shane pulls the minivan into the crowded parking lot --
the Brownies are all singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the
Wall at the top of their lungs.
.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Shane (double-Snuggled) helps the Brownies set up a card
table to display their cookies.
SHANE:
I gotta get supplies. I can see you
through the window, but if anything
happens...
LULU:
(flashing her bracelet)
I know.
INT. GROCERY STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Shane watches the Brownies on the store’s CLOSED CIRCUIT
monitor, as he pushes a cart into the store. He looks
around at the bright, colorful boxes of Children’s
Cereals, Rainbow Fruit Roll-Ups, Snack packs... NOTHING
looks familiar -- nothing even looks like food.
He sees:
a huge, 100 pack VALUE CASE of SPAM. He smiles.Tyler looks at him -- “what are you, nuts?”
EXT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS
The Brownies are trying to sell the cookies, but they’re
very shy. SHOPPERS blow passed them without even noticing
them. One of the Brownies spots something...
46.
BROWNIE:
Oh no... they’re back.
SLOW MOTION:
In a shot out of Reservoir Dogs, we see whoshe means:
A group of bad ass, chubby CUB SCOUTS. They’reheaded straight towards the cookie table, menacingly.
UGLY CUB SCOUT:
(to another Scout)
Hey Skeever, what’s stinky and floats
‘til you flush ‘em?
2ND SCOUT
Brownies?
The Scouts cackle. The Ugly Scout yanks a box of cookies
away from Lulu. He rips it open, dumping the cookies on
the ground and grinding them with his foot.
.
UGLY CUB SCOUT:
This is Troop 16 territory. How are we
supposed to sell raffle tickets when this
place reeks of your skanky cookies?
2ND SCOUT
BEAT IT, before I get my face punching
badge on you.
The Brownies take off running, clutching their boxes. One
of the Scouts grabs Lulu -- she tugs and tugs, but can’t
get away. Finally, the Cub Scout takes her SCARF. He
laughs, and lets her go. The Cub Scouts high-five.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Shane heads to the Brownie’s table -- but Lulu and the
Brownies are gone. In their place are the Chubby Scouts.
SHANE:
Where are my troops?
UGLY CUB SCOUT:
... I haven’t seen anybody, you Skeever?
2ND SCOUT
Nope. You wanna buy a raffle ticket?
We’re trying to win .22’s.
Around his neck, Shane’s monitor starts beeping. Shane
takes off running in the direction of the signal.
47.
EXT. PARKING LOT - SECONDS LATER
Shane runs up to the minivan. The Brownies are huddled
behind it, trembling.
SHANE:
What happened? (No one answers) Well?
LULU:
Those boys over there broke our cookies.
Shane eyes the Cub Scouts. Dead serious:
SHANE:
Well then -- I’m afraid I have to
eliminate them. If I don’t come back --
avenge my death.
He heads toward the Scouts. The Brownies scream.
BROWNIES:
No!
Shane stops. He bends down, and points at Lulu’s Panic
button. He firmly tells Lulu, who’s close to tears:
SHANE:
This is not a toy. I’m here to protect
you. Not cookies. Get in the car, we’re
going home.
BROWNIE:
You can’t take us home yet, you’re
supposed to take us to dinner.
SHANE:
Where?
INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - A LITTLE LATER - DAY
An extreme CU of the Chuck E. Cheese MANAGER. He wears
braces and head-gear, which causes him to lisp.
MANAGER:
Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese!
Wider reveals...CHAOS. SCREAMING CHILDREN everywhere.
On stage, the Chuck E. Cheese automaton band JAMS.
SHANE:
I wish I were in Chechnya.
A LITTLE LATER:
48.
Brownies are running around, playing video games and skee
ball. Shane’s watching Peter, in the PLASTIC BALL POOL,
while he holds Tyler in the Snuggle. The Manager
approaches Shane.
MANAGER:
Anything elsh I can do for you?
SHANE:
In a big glass (he shows him) This much
ice... this much cyanide.
The Manager laughs, but the headgear seems to hurt his
face when he smiles.
MANAGER:
How ‘bout a re-fill on that pischer of
Mischer Pibb?
SHANE:
What?
MANAGER:
(gesturing:
)Pischer of Mischer Pibb? Mischer Pibb?
Frustrated, the Manager picks up a pitcher and exits.
Lulu approaches, she grabs Shane by the sleeve and drags
him over to the stand up Mortal Kombat game.
LULU:
Let’s fight!
SHANE:
I’m watching your brother...
LULU:
I pressed two player. I thought you liked
combat. Unless you’re scared.
Shane doesn’t like the sound of that. He steps up to the
machine. He cracks his knuckles, stretches. Then he takes
a joy stick. He checks over his shoulder -- Peter's
happily splashing about in the plastic balls.
ON THE SCREEN:
they each select a fighter. Lulu picks asmall female character. Shane picks a man who looks LIKE
SHANE. They begin, Lulu screams out with her fighter, in
unison:
VIDEO GAME/LULU
Prepare to be annihilated!
49.
She leaps over Shane in a somersault and throws a DOZEN
throwing stars. Then kicks him in the head repeatedly.
SHANE:
That’s not fair. Nobody can jump thirty
feet.
LULU:
The Hulk can.
SHANE:
That wasn’t a documentary.
The second round starts, Brownies have gathered around to
watch. Lulu’s fighter does a series of kicks. Shane can’t
even get one punch in -- she pins him to the ground,
kneels on his head, then kicks him in the face. Shane is
taking it really seriously. He’s really mad.
.
SHANE (CONT’D)
This isn’t fair. My joystick’s broken.
LULU:
You wanna switch?
They switch sides. Round three starts. Lulu’s fighter
picks up Shane’s in the air, spins her, then cracks her
in half over his knee... and then a kick in the face.
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"The Pacifier" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 27 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_pacifier_1005>.
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