The Pacifier Page #10

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SHANE:

(re:
the Snuggle)

You don’t have a baby on your chest...

Lulu’s having fun now, she’s just avoiding Shane’s

fighter, dancing, jumping, while he pounds the buttons,

swinging and missing... Shane’s really fuming.

LULU:

You’re not even trying...

SHANE:

I AM TOO TRYING.

LULU:

Too slow... come on -- take a shot...

oops too slow... swing and a miss...

She keeps dancing. It’s really annoying. Shane’s working

the joy stick hard, slamming buttons, but he can’t hit

her. He is KO'd. She does a very obnoxious VICTORY DANCE.

50.

LULU (CONT’D)

In your face! I am the greatest hand-tohand

combat champion in the entire world!

Shane screams and RIPS THE JOYSTICK OFF THE MACHINE.

Sparks fly. Shane looks around to see if the staff

noticed. He and the Brownies sneak away, leaving the

sizzling machine, its joystick dangling by its wires.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Zoe’s on the phone, the house is quiet.

.

ZOE:

Mom -- stop worrying.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

JULIE (ON THE PHONE)

I’m a mom, it’s my job to worry.

ZOE:

Seriously, everything’s cool. The guy’s

just a control freak.

JULIE:

It’s only a few more days. I hate leaving

you, but you know I have to do this. I

love you.

ZOE:

I know. Don’t worry, we’re okay. Tonight

I’m just doing homework -- in my cell.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

As Zoe hangs up, we WIDEN OUT: The house is PACKED with

TEENAGERS:
they’re keeping quiet until the phone is in

its cradle, then the TEENAGE DJ starts the music back up.

Zoe looks around at the mess. She turns to Scott, who

doesn’t seem concerned at all.

ZOE:

Dude, this is outta hand. Who are all

these people?

SCOTT:

Jus’ ma peeps. And the folks who read my

BLOG.

51.

Zoe rolls her eyes, then notices a WEIRD SWEATY KID,

who’s throwing mustard covered baloney slices at the

ceiling, where they stick with a satisfying SQUISH.

ZOE:

Dude, not cool...

VARIOUS SHOTS - The Plummer House:

-Its a huge party: the place is JAMMED, kids everywhere.

-Teenagers come and go through the kitchen’s DOGGY DOOR.

EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Shane (Tyler in Snuggle), loads Brownies into the

minivan, counting them. Barking at them like Marines:

SHANE:

Move, move, move! Go go!

EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD - MOMENTS LATER

Shane drives, the Brownies are singing 99 Bottles...

again. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across Shane’s

face... he spins the minivan in a 180 and floors it.

INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - LATER - DUSK

Shane (Tyler in Snuggle) bursts in, the Brownies follow.

We see what he forgot: PETER, still happily playing in

the pool of plastic balls. The Manager is watching him.

MANAGER:

I figured you’d come back for him -- they

almost always do.

SHANE:

Inexcusable, to leave a man behind like

that...

MANAGER:

Relax, we once found a kid in the ball

pool when we opened in the morning --

Shane wades into the ball pool and pulls Peter out, which

is fine, except that he’s MISSING HIS DIAPER.

MANAGER (CONT’D)

WHOA, Whoa. Not okay, freestyling in the

ball pool --not okay.

52.

Shane grimaces. He holds his breath, and goes down for

the diaper. He disappears under the balls -- for a long

time. The Manager and the Brownies share a concerned

look. He’s still down there. Silence.

LULU:

Should we send someone in after him?

He surfaces, gasping. He’s holding the diaper, out away

from him. He charges across the room with the diaper.

.

SHANE:

Clear out! GO GO GO!

And he bursts out the other doors, at a full run.

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - NIGHT

Shane is exhausted, as he pulls up in the Minivan. He

gets out -- and groans in disbelief. It’s insanity: HIP

HOP blasts, gyrating TEENAGERS everywhere, chugging

drinks, making out, peeing in the bushes, jocks throwing

footballs.

Reeling, Shane takes Lulu, Peter and Tyler up the path.

He protectively guides them past the craziness -- until a

football suddenly WHIZZES by. Outraged, Shane snatches

it mid-air -- then CRUSHES the ball. POP!

Shane gives a blood-curdling stare.

SHANE:

Party’s over.

The jocks flinch, scared, then RUN. Shane unlocks the

CLUB lock off the door.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Inside is worse, a total wreck. Zoe’s dancing with

Scott.

Shane drags the needle across a record at the D.J.’s

turntables. Everyone recoils from the horrible sound.

SHANE:

No one leaves until this house is

spotless! I want to be able to eat off

the floor! The latrine! Hell, I wanna

be able to eat in the kitchen!!

Nervous glances -- then everybody suddenly RUNS for the

back! Shane is confused, trying to understand...

53.

then he intuitively dashes past them! He’s scoping the

surroundings... windows... vents... AH! The doggy door!

.

Scott is halfway through the doggy door when Shane grabs

his ankles and yanks him back in. Shane holds Scott

upsidedown by his ankles.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Oh no you don’t. Now, we’re gonna do this

my way -- no highway option.

Just then:
A MUSTARD SOAKED BALONEY SLICE drops from the

ceiling, sticking to the TOP of Shane’s head. PLOP.

Shane’s eyes narrow, he takes it off, trying to maintain

his dignity. He fumes...

SHANE (CONT’D)

Start swabbing, ladies.

He hands Scott the mop. Scott gulps - and starts mopping.

DISSOLVE TO:

CLEANING THE HOUSE.

Miserable TEENS scrub. In a bathroom, Scott and Zoe, in

Playtex gloves, furiously clean. Scott scrubs the toilet

with Pinesol as the Duck swims in the top of the toilet.

SCOTT:

This is officially the worst party ever.

ZOE:

It was YOUR idea! I don’t even know most

of these losers.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE/STUDY - NIGHT

Shane inspects the house, as kids clean. Shane wipes a

finger down the sofa. Clean. He lifts the sofa, and rubs

his finger UNDER IT. He holds it up to a KID... residue.

The Kid quickly starts cleaning again.

A GIRL reorganizes a stack of CD’S. Shane goes over

them, straightening -- then he notices something. He

pulls out a CD:
It is a home-burned disk, labeled with a

Sharpie. It reads: GHOST. Oh my god...

.

CUT TO:

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS

Two DARK CLAD FIGURES watch, through binoculars. They see

Shane find the CD, and walk out of sight.

54.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE/STUDY - CONTINUOUS

Shane quickly tucks the CD into his pocket.

CUT TO:

EXT. PLUMMER HOUSE - ALMOST DAWN

A long line of exhausted party-goers files out. Scott’s

the last one to leave.

INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - VARIOUS

Shane works his way through the house. It’s SPOTLESS:

counter tops glisten, furniture polished. It looks like

Better Homes and Gardens. He heads upstairs. Zoe blows

past him -- into the bathroom, where she throws up. Shane

sits down, outside the bathroom door.

ZOE:

... Thanks a lot, Rambo. My friends will

never come here again.

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