The Paleface

I don't know who you are, but

thanks. I'm goin' this way.

You're comin'

with us!

Calamity Jane.

All right, boys.

Wait outside.

Jane, I'm Governor Johnson. This is

commissioner of Indian affairs, Mr. Emerson...

and his secretary,

Mr. Martin.

I'll come right to the point.

We staged that jailbreak.

We wanted it to look as

if your friends broke you out.

We have a job for you which

requires absolute secrecy.

How 'bout that point

you were comin' to?

A group of white renegades is

smuggling guns to the Indians.

We've got to find out who they are

before we have an Indian war on our hands.

Six months ago we sent two of our best agents.

Their bodies were found horribly mutilated.

We thought we'd send a woman. A

woman who can take care of herself.

Like me, for instance?

Yes, Jane, like you.

We need your help

desperately.

What's the price tag

on this?

Jane, you're facing a

jail sentence of ten years.

You get those men for us, and we'll

give you a pardon. A full pardon.

Gentlemen, I'd like to go on record

as saying we can't trust this, this-

Criminal.

I think we can.

Here's proof

of my confidence.

Well, it's mighty nice

of you. Reach!

Thanks for the drink,

Governor.

Jane, outside that window

there's no pardon.

Unless you help us, the West will be

graced with the blood of white settlers.

Thousands olives.

Women and children.

You could stand

a little practice, son.

I'll take a look

at that pardon.

Keep talkin'. You'll

take the stage tonight.

At Fort Deerfield, contact

a lawyer named Jim Hunter.

There's a wagon train going west. You'll

join it. Hunter will pose as your husband.

As man and wife, you'll be lost

in the crowd on that wagon train.

You'll get further instructions from

Hunter. We're dependin' on you, Jane.

I'm depending on you.

And I wouldn't advise you

to cross me up, gents.

So she finally

agreed to go.

She'll be traveling as a lady,

but she's a killer.

A dead shot.

I found that out.

We'll get her. But get her when you're

sure she can't beat you to the draw.

Mr. Hunter.

Mr. Hunter.

Take a seat over there, dearie.

There'll be one ready in a minute.

Now, we'll take a- if you don't

mind my telling you, it's the one-

Please, no clues.

You'll spoil all the fun.

Pardon me.

One can detect an ailing tooth by the dull

sound that comes from it when struck by a hammer.

Hmm, that seems logical.

Yeah, here we go, please.

Ahh.

Ah, that's it!

There's the little doll

right there. Now, we'll jus-

Stand by.

After discovering the ailing tooth, the

next thing is to drill away the decay.

It doesn't seem logical,

but I'm game.

Well... now.

Open. Open wide.

This won't hurt us

a bit.

Where'd you go?

Steady now.

Wide.

Where's the guy who calls

himself a painless dentist?

Hey, I got a tooth that's

killing me. Sit down, you're next.

I'll sit down.

Uh, uh. Oh, that's

what I say, you're next.

That'll be two dollars, please.

Never mind the two dollars.

Thanks. You're welcome. Hey.

Hurry up!

Open wide.

That's a happy

little dungeon.

Hmm.

Hmm.

There's an echo in here.

Well, now-

Never mind about that. When a

tooth's no good, you pull it!

Please, I'm the dentist.

I know what I'm doing.

What do you know,

he's right.

Well, now.

All right, open wide.

Oh.

It's all right.

We'll get right into

the important stuff here.

Real wide now. Get something

- I thought you were gonna pull it.

Well, I have to dig a little

toehold for the pliers.

This won't hurt us at all.

Just-

Please, no singing.

Got a tonsil. I'm sorry.

Hmm?

Ah, got hair on the

inside too. There you are.

Nothing to it at all. Starting

to burn a little wood here.

Steady now.

We're getting warm. There

you are. There you are.

Now, if you just-

Wha- -

Would you mind moving your tongue over a

little? I didn't think you were that tough.

Let me see here.

Ah, ah, ah, don't swallow

it. Don't swallow it, please.

That's funny. I have one

just like it. I- Oh.

Hungry little thing, you.

I wa- -

Well.

So that's what

Horace Greeley meant.

I'll be with you in a minute. You've got

just the kind of mouth I'd like to work on.

I- -

Listen, weasel!

I came here to get

a tooth pulled. This one.

The one next to the gold one.

Sawy? I know. We'll find it.

Don't worry about a thing. It's a

cinch. We'll get to it sooner or later.

I'm a very sensitive man.

Don't hurt me. Just relax.

What's that? It's laughing gas. That's

why they call me Painless Potter.

I use it on all my patients. Is it safe?

Safest thing in the world! Would

you mind paying me now? Come on!

The one next to the gold one. Okay.

Is it coming through?

Feel anything?

Hmm? Must be a leak around here.

Is it doing it to you?

Huh?

Bye-bye.

Come on, dearie.

You're next.

What do you know,

I pulled the wrong tooth.

I got the one

with the nugget in it.

So you pulled

the wrong tooth.

How about that!

I'm gonna give you just 15

minutes to get out of town.

Last town they gave me

20 minutes.

And that scooped-nose quack

pulled the wrong tooth.

She can't take a bath

with her guns on. Come on.

Will somebody come in here

and scrub my back?

Put it in number four.

This is the ladies' side. Come

on, come on, get out of here.

You lookin'

for someone?

Who did the shooting?

Who are they? Never saw them before.

They must be strangers.

Look out! Look out!

I wonder who did

the shooting.

It's Lance! He's still alive.

Anybody got any whiskey?

Dad's got some.

Yeah, here.

Lance.

Doc, get up!

Get up!

Say, I must be running out of

customers. I'm pullin' my own teeth.

Oh, get up, Doc, hurry!

They're shootin' upstairs! Huh?

Come on and do something! Shootin'?

I'll do something all right.

I'm outta here. I'm goin' back east where men

may not be men but they're not corpses either.

I've had enough.

Don't give

your right names.

Warm up, kids.

We're movin' again.

Federal agent

joinin'...

wagon train,

Buffalo Flats.

Giddyap.

Get me out of this.

Ha!

Hey. Wait, I've been chased by women

before but not while I was awake.

I'll take over now! Yeah, you drive

a while. Who wants to watch the road?

I'm gonna join that wagon train.

Come on! Head 'em any way you like.

What am I sayin'? That's Indian

country. You're not afraid of Indians?

It's not the Indians, it's their

attitudes. They're hatchet happy.

I'm headin' back home, Washington,

D.C. I'm gonna join that wagon train.

You can't join 'em

without a wagon.

Make up your mind.

Are you going with me?

You got yourself

a traveling companion.

Keep traveling.

Boy, can you kiss!

Sorry I had to do that, son,

but this is a big job.

There's a wagon train going

west. You'll both join it.

Hunter will pose

as your husband.

It's not speed that we're

interested in, it's secrecy.

As man and wife, you'll be lost

in the crowd on that wagon train.

You wouldn't let a girl go on

a wagon train alone, would you?

Painless, you're just the man

I've been hoping to meet.

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