The Parole Officer Page #2

a wallet found near the body...'

Hello, my name is Simon Garden.

I'd like to report a murder.

Erm... I know I look a mess.

I, uh... I slept rough last night.

I got punched in the face by a man with a stick.

Fell off a roof into a canal.

Actually got a condom stuck on my finger.

Eugh.

I'm not a lunatic. I'm a probation officer.

Um... I know, same thing.

But, no, this is murder and I'd like

to speak to a senior officer, please.

Certainly, sir.

Good.

- Oh.

- Hello, Simon.

Hello.

I reckon we should, you know, rub him out.

We can't rub people out. We're police officers.

Aye, of course.

- What about the accountant?

- That was unfortunate.

Are you just gonna let him go?

For the time being. He's a very scared boy.

He'll probably go back to do-gooding in Toy Town.

If he does talk, we'll pay him a visit.

He'll find a kilo of Colombia's

finest and a head in his fridge.

Let's look at the facts.

I'm in charge of the investigation.

Your wallet's found near the body.

You're... "helping police with their enquiries".

You're in a lot of trouble.

But hang on. I think I can help you.

If you keep your mouth shut,

the murderer may never be found.

- You can't intimidate me.

- Let me give it a shot.

If you open your mouth...

I won't lay a finger on you, but you'll go to prison.

And when those nonces and perverts

get hold of a clever boy like you,

and I'll make sure they do,

they're gonna be queuing up round the block.

You're gonna end up with an arsehole

like a clown's pocket.

That was pretty good.

- Do you like Thai food?

- Why?

I thought you'd like to celebrate

that you're no longer a suspect.

I can't. I'm leaving. I'm not really up to the job here,

so I thought I'd go back to my old one.

- If they'll have me.

- Well, what about a goodbye dinner?

It's probably best if I just go.

I was going with a bunch of mates.

I thought you might join us.

That's all. Don't worry. You won't be missed.

Listen. It's been really, really nice working with you.

Good luck with your career.

You'll go from strength to strength.

Ditto.

I ain't got no home, ain't go no shoes

Ain't go no money, ain't got no class

Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater

Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no bed...

- See ya.

- Ain't got no mind...

Bye.

Ain't got no mother

Ain't got no culture

Ain't got no friends... - "Ditto."

Ain't got no love... - "Ditto."

Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token

Ain't got no God

'You're gonna end up with

an arsehole like a clown's pocket.'

Ahhh!

'Inspector, four days ago

'you rescued a 15-year-old girl from a burning car.

'What's it like to be a hero?'

'l was just doing my job,

'and any other officer would have done the same as me.

'If this thing helps people see

through the uniform, that's great.'

'You're to receive this year's

Police Federation bravery medal.

'Looking forward to the Town Hall

awards ceremony next week?'

'Yes, very much, but I'll still

be working. Business as usual.

'Criminals don't take days off, you know.'

Five, please.

Six.

- Oh. Sex.

- Ah, sex!

Bill, have we got any more of that sake?

Ah. Bill. Where's Tuesday's tape?

- It should be there.

- I've just given it to the boss.

Right. William. Do me a favour. Could you hold this?

Stay there just one second.

Where's that sake?

Bill's just getting it. Where'd the boss go?

To put something in his safety deposit box.

- Thank you.

- Hang on. Who are you?

John. John Jones.

.

- Can I help you?

- You're nicked.

What? I... Oh, my God! Emma, it's you!

- So I thought you were leaving town.

- Uh, no, I-I changed my mind.

You look absolutely gorgeous.

- I'm a prostitute.

- Right.

Why? Don't the police pay you enough?

No, I'm undercover.

Very convincing. Yeah. You fooled me.

- We can't really talk here.

- Why?

Miami Vice.

Do you want a coffee? Yes.

Why were you staring at that bank?

Um, I'm thinking of robbing it.

- Simon!

- Hello, George.

Come in, come in.

Anyone fallen off the roller coaster recently?

No. I inspect it every day.

Don't worry about me, Simon.

I will never go back to a life of crime,

and it's all down to you.

So, if you ever want a favour, all you have to do is ask.

Well, I'm glad you say that.

Because I would like you to help me...

Yes?

Rob a bank.

This is a test, isn't it?

No, no. No, this is technically not a crime.

We're not taking money. Just a videotape of a murder.

George, it was horrific.

I saw a man strangle a human being.

Well, an accountant.

No, you can't tempt me.

- The murderer is a police officer...

- No.

- In charge of the...

- No!

This is not role play. I can't

go to the police. I've been framed!

I've no one else to turn to.

Look, you always said crime

is the easy path to the bottom.

And now you want me to rob a bank?

It's like asking a reformed

drug addict to have one last hit.

What do you think about what I just said?

Oh. That makes sense.

I shouldn't have had that curry. But I'm all right now.

Sorry!

Let me off! Let me off!

Hang on! But you used to say,

"You're halfway up a mountain.

Crime's the easy path down.

- "Responsibility..."

- "Get there, it's a great view."

Yeah. Well, don't that make you a hypocrite?

In these circumstances, no.

Oh, look, Simon, it's not that I don't want to help you.

It's just, Erm...

It's me mum. She's got crippling

arthritis. She can hardly move.

You know, I've got the shop, I've got her and, you know,

a couple of chairs have been kicked over in the attic.

She don't know why there's fish everywhere.

Otherwise I'd be in that car with you now.

Hey, Rambo! Them hake in there want guttin'.

I could've fried 'em, ate 'em, and shat 'em out by now.

Give it your mum.

You big girl.

I was such an idiot. But now I'm not an idiot.

I'm a computer salesman, thanks to you.

The beauty is they sell themselves.

All I do is provide a service

support network for a small fee,

which keeps the customers happy, and me.

I'm very happy. I'm very happy.

Oh, that was a shite job. I hated it. Ah!

We're all in. Manchester, here we come.

Not quite. There's one more.

Victor?

- Who's Victor?

- There was a story

that Victor once stole the Crown Jewels

and then put them back without anyone noticing.

- How do you know if no one saw it?

- I read it in News of the World.

Yep, that's were I read it.

He's a master of disguise.

Yep. Sometimes even I don't recognise him.

- Victor?

- I'm Victor's wife.

After he worked with you,

he tried to give up his life of crime

by channelling his interests into amateur dramatics.

But one night he sneaked off to do the safe

at Jackson's food processing plant.

Two days later, a machine was playing up.

They reckon he must have fallen into the mincer.

By that stage, the orders had already gone out.

They tried to recall them,

but all they got back was half a

dozen pies and a couple of pasties.

And is that what's...

Yes.

What a waste.

- Er, of human life.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes