The Parole Officer Page #3

- Hm.

He was very fond of you -

he had some tools I'm sure

he would've wanted you to have.

Thanks. I don't think we've got a lawnmower.

Sorry.

I'm afraid he was a bit of a hoarder.

- Wow, a DTI.

- A what?

Digital transmission imager.

- Oh, check this out.

- Don't shoot.

It's a fisheye lens.

Victor obviously had a sense of humour.

There's masses of it.

- What's this?

- A flask.

- For?

- Tea, coffee, hot Bovril.

We'll take it.

Welcome to my humble abode.

There's just one rule.

Do you mind popping your shoes off?

It's a new carpet and... you know.

Apart from that, make yourselves at home.

Sleeping arrangements.

- I have a spare bedroom...

- Thank you very much.

- Sofa bed...

- Mine.

- Inflatable mattress...

- Bags that!

- Good. Food. Who's hungry?

- Yeah.

We got hummus, taramasalata, uh, couscous,

tabouleh, stuffed olives, cheese.

- Where's the cheese?

- In the fridge.

- Have you got any bread?

- Uh, focaccia.

Is that sliced?

Well, it's, uh, prt manger.

- No, it's not sliced.

- Right.

OK, the bank. Top view.

Side road here. Front door. Uh, three windows.

Stairs to the left and a door at the back,

which I think leads to the vault.

So, pretty basic. But...

What's stopping us getting into

the vault to get the tape?

That's not important.

The doors are bomb-proof,

the windows are toughened glass,

- there's no adjoining building.

- CCTV outside and inside.

Dual-circuit alarm on the doors.

Heat and motion in every room.

Electronically linked,

via a control centre, to the police.

And there's the vault - surrounded by

concrete three feet thick.

A big two-tonne door.

A combination lock changed weekly and a preset time lock.

Which can only be changed from the inside.

Some fresh coffee?

You isolate the power supply

to the system and cut it off!

It's not an integrated circuit. You got back-up systems.

If you go near the power, you'll trigger the alarm.

Discreet transistor crap - that's last year's old news!

- Blow it up, get the money and go.

- Shut up!

- You mean the tape, not the money.

- Oh, yeah.

Blondie, if you want to pick holes, be my guest.

- But I don't hear a better idea.

- It's last year's old news!

If you don't have anything to say, shut up!

Tell him to stop saying "It is last year's old news"!

- It is annoying.

- He acts like a council official.

I am a council official!

Colin, what is today's news?

- A TSMISP.

- Tsimps?

A target-specific multi-invasive subversion program.

He means a computer virus. He's taking the piss!

- You want me to hit him?

- Just try it, fishface.

Ow! That really hurt!

Now, listen, I'm very grateful you've

all agreed to help me rob a bank.

But this is not a competition. We have to act as a team.

Now, we're all very different people,

and that's a good thing.

Jeff here likes Oasis.

Colin likes...

- What do you like?

- Hardcore Belgian trance.

Great! George likes The Beach Boys.

He likes them. I'm a bit of a Deep Purple nut.

Uh, Smoke on the Water?

Actually the result of a jamming session in Montreux.

Casino was on fire, they saw the smoke...

Anyway, the point is...

- We should get on with it.

- Exactly.

Now, Colin, what is a TSMISP?

And would telling us about it be a waste of our time?

It locates all the alarm systems at the control centre.

- Would that target our bank alarm?

- It can't. It attacks all of them.

That won't shut the systems down.

You're more likely to set off

every bank alarm in the city.

Colin, have an extra slice of toast.

I think we deserve the morning off.

Emma?

- Hi, Simon.

- Oh, hi.

I was told to come up here by, uh...

- My flatmate.

- Right.

- Just have a seat.

- Yeah, sure.

- I'm in the shower.

- OK.

- What are you doing this afternoon?

- Nothing.

Now, no pressure, but, uh, my Uncle Bernard

is part owner of a...

really cool narrow boat on the Rochdale Canal.

And, uh, as luck would have it,

today's one of his days,

but, uh, he's unwell.

Uh, he's got a problem with his...

body.

But, uh, it's really nice inside.

It's, uh, warm and comfortable...

and lovely.

Anyway, you've... you've got a lovely little, uh...

cat.

- So, what do you think?

- About what?

You know, uh, you, me...

narrow boat,

canal.

Unless you've got a better idea.

That is just showing off. It's a fertility symbol.

If you touch it, it increases your sexual potency.

- Right.

- Go on.

- What?

- Touch it.

No.

Are you afraid to touch a penis?

You're talking to a guy who's going blind.

Go on. Touch it.

I'm just going to the, uh...

Don't forget to wash your hands.

Good afternoon.

- It's not what you think.

- Oh!

It's wood.

Hmm!

Please. Please. Could you please do

something about that man over there?

Emma! Emma, help!

Come out, please, sir. I know you're in there.

I will be out in a minute.

Man in ladies' toilet. Assistance

required. Suspected flasher.

'Roger, Maggie.' I am not a flasher.

Could you come out, please, sir?

You shouldn't be in the ladies'.

I've got an upset stomach.

Right, where's the perv?

- Get out now! Dirty bastard.

- Hang on. I'm nearly done.

No, that's it.

Sorry. Bit of an emergency. Now, what's the problem?

You've been reported for indecent behaviour.

- He had a lump in his trousers.

- Yes, I had several.

I shat myself.

Now, where's the nearest Marks and Spencer's?

Straight down the high street, the first on the left.

Thank you very much.

- It came off in my hand.

- Don't worry.

It's happened to me a few times.

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme. Where?

Roller disco, Oldham. He had a big knife.

You knocked him out with one punch.

I've told you this before?

All your stories end with you

knocking someone out with one punch.

Got some knives and forks.

Yeah. Let's use our fingers. What the heck.

- I've been thinkin'.

- Go on.

Try going through a window, it's too visible.

But get on the roof, you're concealed. It buys you time.

How we gonna get in?

I'm coming to that. There's a fire door.

- Which only opens from the inside.

- Hang on!

There's like an air vent thing there, right?

I can go through there, go around, open the fire door,

- let you all in.

- Brilliant.

The aperture to the air conditioning

unit you are referring to

is 14 inches square.

- Brilliant but flawed.

- I could get in. Go on a diet.

- You won't want that, then.

- Never touch my food.

Whoa! Jeff, Colin, calm down.

It was a good idea. It's just...

I'd rather you didn't argue.

Jeff's got a lot on his plate at the moment.

I know, but he really makes me angry,

er... cos he talks rubbish sometimes.

But if I have upset him, I'm sorry.

That's very big of you to say so, Colin.

George, anything to add to that?

Huh? What? Erm... Erm...

No.

Jeff, you're very quiet...

Kirsty! What the hell are you doing here?

I thought I'd rob you.

- What you're doing is illegal.

- So is robbing a bank.

How do you know we're robbing a bank?

It's written on your notice board.

Right, Kirsty.

If you forget about this, I'll forget

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