The Parole Officer Page #4

about you robbing my house.

That's not equal. You're robbing a bank.

- W-What do you want?

- To join your gang and rob a bank.

- We're not stealin' money. Right?

- Yes.

- Please?

- You're too young.

I could drive the getaway car. I've stolen 44 cars.

And been caught 44 times.

We don't need you, Kirsty. I'm sorry.

Right. Where were we?

Jeff had the wizard idea of

gaining entry through an air duct

and I pointed out that none of us could fit through it.

I could.

Ladybird to Praying Mantra.

Ladybird, receiving you.

I'm a mile away and I can still hear you.

OK, now try five miles away. Over.

Even if we can break in, what do we do about the getaway?

I've got an idea about that.

Now, on Friday, stay away from

the target area until rush hour.

- Any questions?

- Why is the protest on a weekday?

- For maximum disruption.

- Bollocks!

If we had it on a Sunday at 12 noon,

outside the West Clyde Bank,

there'd be a bigger turnout.

- Yeah, some of us have to work.

- Yeah!

- The city's empty on a Sunday!

- We'll reclaim the streets.

- For the kids!

- Friday, 5:
00. It's been decided.

- Who decided?

- The committee.

- Bollocks!

- Some democratic organisation!

- Yeah! Yeah!

- It is.

The elected committee votes and

we abide by the committee's decision.

- Bollocks!

- Gonna let him push us around?

- Tell him we're not sheep.

- We're not sheep!

- Tell him to put it to a vote.

- Put it to a vote!

A good idea!

All right. All those who want the protest

- on Sunday at noon...

- Outside the West Clyde Bank.

Outside the West Clyde Bank, raise their hands.

Yes!

Hurry up!

Oh, God.

It's not a bloody marathon!

If they realise they've loaded

a virus, won't they tell everyone?

Would you tell anyone if you'd been looking at this?

Yeah, but it's boring, isn't it? Just variations on a...

I've not seen that before.

Any, uh, movement on the murder investigation?

You mean the headless accountant?

No, bit of a dead end, that.

- That probation officer?

- He's well out of the picture.

- Let's not talk shop, eh?

- I'd better be off.

- One for the road.

- No, thanks.

It's an order. Vodka chaser.

So, how's your love life at the moment?

- No time for anything, really.

- Tsk! Know what you mean.

Oh!

- Trying to get me drunk, lnspector?

- Yep.

I don't believe in in-house romance.

Who said anything about romance?

Stick to what you're best at.

What is it?

- It's a GOTLER.

- A what?

A George-operated time-lock-equalising robot.

- This is telescopic?

- Similar. It's hydraulic.

And once inside the vault,

this emits an electromagnetic pulse at the LED displays,

causing the clocks to synchronise

at zero, deactivating the time lock.

- How'd you know that?

- I heard you phone your mother.

Yeah, yeah. She likes to know what I'm up to.

Now, with the time lock, it's

a simple matter for the GOTLER...

Oh! I told you. It's top-heavy.

- It's only a small modification.

- It needs a redesign.

- If that goes, we all go to jail.

- It won't.

How we gonna get the bank

to let us put that in the vault?

And, uh, what did you say was inside it?

10,000 in coins, notes and cheques. Hopefully.

- This buys beds for the children?

- And a couple of wheelchairs.

- They're disabled?

- Challenged.

- Of course.

- And blind.

- Are they?

- Uh, some of them.

Right, uh...

Well, unfortunately, we can't allow

items like this into the vault.

We might make an exception for

a valuable painting or a sculpture.

- Excuse me. Can I shake your hand?

- Yes.

- It's Dr Moroe.

- Monroe.

Oh, yes, of course. Can I say thank you?

Thank you. Thank you for all you've

done for the children at St Simon's.

To see the smiles when

they wore shoes for the first time!

Heartbreaking. Do you know what they

call him at the children's home?

- No.

- Dad!

God bless. I'm sorry.

Uh, d-do you have children of your own?

Uh, yes, yes, I have.

They're, uh... They're precious, aren't they?

Yes.

Right. You wait here while I go and open the big door.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

God, it's a massive door. You must be very strong.

Um, I'm afraid I am going to have to

ask you to stand over there.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

One, seven, eight, nine...

- What's wrong?

- Rewind it. Let's see it again.

Oh, crumbs!

- Whose idea was this?

- Simon's.

- He moved his bum in the way!

- People do move their bums.

- Why didn't she move the pig?

- Piss off!

- Language.

- It's not Kirsty's fault.

Why are we helping a man in corduroys?

- He helped you.

- That was his job. He was paid.

We need a solution, not a whinging, surfing lemonhead.

- Lemon knobhead.

- Yeah!

No. We don't need a curly-headed

wanker trying to be Captain Kirk.

At least he got things done.

Imagine you looking for Spock in Star Trek IV.

"I'm sorry. We couldn't find him."

What?

That was Star Trek III.

It was called The Search For Spock.

One, seven, eight, nine... three, five, 20!

It's written on the back of his bloody hand!

- Hi.

- Hi.

Um...

Um... Uh, come in.

Uh, everyone, this is Emma.

She's a friend of mine and a police constable.

Oh.

- Off-duty.

- This is my cousin, Colin.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- That's Cousin Jeff.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- This is my... Uncle George.

- H-Hi.

- Hi.

- And this is...

- I know you, you're, um...

His daughter.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, can I, um... Excuse me.

- They're not your family, are they?

- No.

- She's the joyrider.

- Yes.

- They're ex-clients.

- Why are they in your living room?

Well, they are... part of a voluntary self-help group.

We meet regularly and what I encourage them to do

is not concentrate on their own

problems but look at other people's.

That's beneficial for two reasons.

One, they're less isolated, more able to focus,

and two, I really like your knees.

And your eyes.

I mean, I like everything. Um...

But I-I really like your knees.

- Is that what you saw in the mirror?

- Your knees? No.

I mean, yes, just your knees.

I probably didn't even see those.

- No, no. No, we can't. Not here.

- Yeah, right.

Ah!

What are you planning?

Um, would you like me to tell you or

would you like me to be spontaneous?

Simon, what are you up to?

I can explain.

DI Burton murdered Trevor Deacon.

- What are you talking about?

- I saw him do it.

- I was eating crisps behind boxes...

- Why didn't you tell me before?

Burton would have framed me. I'd be in prison.

I'd be buggered. Daily.

- And what's all this for?

- I can't tell you.

You're a police officer.

I thought I was your friend.

You know Trevor Deacon's effects? Who checked them?

DI Burton did it personally. Why?

It's OK.

- Sir, can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

The murder victim, Trevor Deacon.

- Did you know him?

- No.

Then why is your number in his mobile phone?

Do you think I murdered him?

- I didn't say that.

- Then who did?

To tomorrow.

To the most audacious crime of the century.

He means your haircut.

To, uh... To having friends.

Yes... Thank you.

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