The Party Animal Page #2

Hound dog. One more.

Hound dog is gonna eat that p*ssy.

Hound dog is gonna eat that p*ssy.

Hey, there. What's going on, n*gger.

Get down.

Hey, brothers,

where be the dames tonight?

I don't want to go

home on three legs.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

You ain't a man till

you made it with a tan.

Hey, baby, what's shaking.

Excuse me, sucker.

Hound dog

is not running with the pack tonight.

Good evening, darling.

Hound dog's come to make love.

Hey, brothers.

Listen, take note, and look.

Because the hound dog,

he done written the book.

I am a man. I am a brother.

I'm a soul brother. I'm a...

Honky.

I'm going to kill myself.

Hi, girls.

My name is Lula Belle.

- Would you like to play some cards?

- What kind of cards do you want to play?

Strip poker?

Fine.

- Does everybody understand how to play?

- I don't understand.

You mean if I lose, I lose my clothes?

Absolutely. Littlest card loses.

So if I lose, I lose big, no?

Take one. Let's see how your luck is.

There you go. One for you.

- Okay, show your cards.

- Seven.

- Nine.

- What did you get?

I got a two.

Well, you got to play by the rules.

Off it comes.

- I am embarrassed.

- Don't be. We're all girls. Come on.

- Show the boobies.

- Take off your goddamn shirt.

More cards.

I win.

I lose.

Take your shirt off.

Oh, I love this!

Lula Belle, how come you always win?

Shut up. All right, go ahead.

- What's that?

- It's a little lady problem.

That's no lady.

Women hate me.

- It's because I'm ugly.

- You're not ugly.

- I'm short.

- Napoleon was short.

- Did he ever get laid?

- All the time.

I'm from Alabama.

I'm sure that

Southern people get laid.

Studley, we lost the war.

Yeah, I know. But, I mean,

that was years ago.

A defeat like that kills all the romance

in a woman's heart.

I really find that hard to believe.

I'd sell my soul for a piece of ass.

- Don't say that.

- It's true.

I know it might be true,

but don't say it out loud.

- I'd sell my soul for a piece of ass!

- Damn it! You'll be sorry you said that.

I think you need some new clothes.

Clothes make the man.

I want you to go to Willinger's.

You got that? Willinger's.

It's a clothing store.

You tell them

to give you the works.

Willinger's.

Studley said to give me the works.

Help!

I don't wanna be a punk rocker!

Damn you, Studley.

Hi, Studley.

Shut up! Would you shut up!

I am not an animal.

- Bullshit! That's an animal!

- Yeah.

Pondo, don't worry about it,

because I got it all figured out.

This is absolutely guaranteed

to get you laid.

I have never seen this fail.

"One blow job, $22.50."

"One hand job, $11.50."

"One hemorrhoid massage, $12.95."

Hi, girls.

Pondo, come on.

No, don't go away. Come on.

Don't be embarrassed.

Attaboy.

- Hi, girls.

- What the hell?

- Oh, my God!

- A face only a cockroach would love.

We've got money.

- I'd rather f*** my father.

- Get away from me!

Studley?

Damn! All dressed up

and no place to go.

Elbow, you got to help me with Pondo.

- Can't do it.

- Talk to him.

- I talked to him. It didn't help.

- He keeps trying to kill himself.

That's 'cause he can't

get no tail, Studley.

But I'll tell you something.

The more tail you get,

the more tail you get.

- You ought to know that, Studley.

- Yes, sir.

The less tail you get, the less you get.

Now that's true, too.

Amen.

Pondo is going downhill,

and he's picking up speed by the minute.

- Best just get out of the way.

- I can't do that. He's my best friend.

This is bigger than friendship.

This is what you call cosmic.

- Really?

- Yeah.

The Buddhists call it, let me see,

reincarnation.

I thought you were a Baptist.

I figure Pondo

is paying for some past lifetime.

He be bad back then.

Maybe a Pharaoh.

- Maybe he had a harem of 1,000 wives.

- A thousand wives?

You know, maybe he was a jackrabbit.

- A jackrabbit?

- Yeah, now, that explains it.

In a past life,

Pondo was a horny little jackrabbit.

And he got so much rabbit p*ssy, the

good Lord said, "You can't have no more."

That explains it all.

I don't know.

I have never seen anybody try so hard.

Me, neither.

But you know what? That's nature.

And Mother Nature

is a beautiful woman.

She be a fine piece of ass.

Understand?

Yes, sir.

Leave it be.

That's what you call "karma."

Karma.

I just want a piece of ass.

What am I doing wrong?

Party animal.

Stop it! Help me, Elbow.

I don't want to be exactly,

Elbow...

Napoleon.

Tell me what to do.

Please.

I just want a little piece of ass.

- Not if you were the last man on Earth.

- Please.

- Forget it.

- No.

I'm not a virgin.

- Virgin.

- No.

Who is that?

Trouble.

I see that girl everywhere I go.

I even started dreaming about her.

Hey, forget her.

Forget? Hell, now, that's a woman.

Studley, how the hell

am I going to get laid?

Drugs. Women love drugs.

The drugs are here!

I got drugs! I got uppers!

Hey, ladies, drugs. Women love drugs.

Anybody got a lighter?

Good sh*t!

Why don't we do some pills?

Boy, I need some Coke.

Boy. Good!

Acid.

My God, I'm purple.

Mirror!

Spike them out here.

We'll do a line or two here.

Who are you?

Pondo.

Look out! Excuse me!

- Who's he?

- You don't want to know.

Hi, girls.

All right, what's this for?

Twins.

Do you know how unhappy

this one paragraph makes me?

Do you know what this is about?

This is about the SALT talks.

Do you know what the SALT talks are?

Sure, boss.

Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty.

That's right. That's very good.

So what they do, they're saying...

"Listen, get some more missiles. Moscow

has more missiles, we need more missiles."

They've come up with a new program.

They call it START.

Do you know what START is?

Strategic Arms Reduction Talks?

That's very good, too,

but you see, what it really means, is...

it's the start of the end.

It's the start of nuclear destruction

in this world, as we know it today.

Wait a minute.

I can give you little audio-visual aids here.

You take this missile here, okay.

This will represent a missile

in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

This'll be the DEFCON 4 in Colorado.

All right? Those are yours.

We'll set up some missiles in Moscow.

I've got this one, and this one over here.

Red Square, right there.

Now let's say this is the President.

Okay?

So one day he comes into the office

after having a bad night.

It hasn't been so good for him, right?

So this prick comes into his office,

scratches his head, and says...

"I think I'll blow up the world today."

He leans over, presses the button.

What does that do? Launches your missile

from Pittsburgh, right?

Go ahead. Launch it.

Moscow sees it coming and says...

"Americanski is sending a missile,

we have to take care of this."

Russia is really pissed off, now, right?

So they decide to send a missile

of their own, right?

Okay, we've got a mess here. A total mess.

But one more thing. Russia's got a missile

they've been keeping up their sleeve.

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