The Party Animal Page #3

They roll it into position,

they launch it, and...

we're f***ed.

- Scary sh*t, boss.

- Yeah.

It's a shame because, you know,

I love America.

America could have been somebody.

America could have been a contender.

- I need something to help me with women.

- You came to the right place.

Well, sell me something.

I got just the thing here for beginners.

I got a little starter model right here.

- What is it?

- It's a vibrator.

I'll take it.

- What size do you want?

- I want the biggest one you got.

- The M-5, boss?

- The M-5.

- You don't want that one.

- He wants it.

You don't want that one, kid.

- I want it.

- The M-5 sexual device?

You don't want it.

Yes, he does. He wants the M-5.

The M-5 is the greatest sexual device

ever devised.

I want the M-5.

Pondo, come on,

it's cold out here.

Lenora, don't go away.

I'll be right back.

This is going to be worth it.

Elbow.

Let her rip.

Elbow, turn it on.

- May I help you?

- I'm here to see the Dean.

Really?

Name?

Pondo Sinatra.

Mr. Sinatra is here to see you.

Yes, ma'am.

You can go right in.

Thanks, ma'am.

This thing blacked out the entire campus

last night, Mr. Sinatra.

We have rules at this college,

Mr. Libido.

And if you do not abide by those rules,

you'll be out on your ass!

- Is that clear?

- Yes, ma'am.

You may go.

Absolutely anything is possible.

From interstellar communications...

to the development of a functioning...

aphrodisiac.

- Let us first look...

- Prof. Schmidt.

Yeah, Herr Sinatra?

What is an aphrodisiac?

The word "aphrodisiac" comes from...

the African root...

"Aphro"...

meaning, "large penis"...

and the Greek...

"disiac," which means...

"want it bad."

Now class, please repeat after me.

Aphrodisiac.

Large penis. Want it bad.

You got it.

Professor.

If one wanted to make an aphrodisiac...

what would one do?

One would have to find, you see...

that element...

which most stimulates...

the female libido.

- Please, Louise.

- No, I want to go.

- I've got something for you.

- I'll bet you do.

No, it's not what you think.

- What is it?

- You will never guess.

- A hot beef injection?

- Nope.

A trouser worm? What is it?

What's that?

Well, this is a...

Oh, sh*t.

Hey.

Help me.

- Do you know what these are?

- No.

- Gas pills.

- What?

- They make you fart.

- Make you fart?

Come on.

Now I've done it. Twenty-two years

of blue balls and now it's over.

- Sophia.

- Studley, mamma mia!

Just go out with him.

He's my best friend. I can't get anyone

else on campus to go out with him.

- Please, Studley.

- Now, he does not speak Italian.

No Italiano.

He is going to be here at 6:00.

Right. Yeah, bye.

Swallow. Just swallow.

That's good.

Let's take your car.

Don't light a match!

Don't light a match.

Mr. Sinatra, you leave me no choice.

Your presence at this university

can no longer be tolerated.

God knows what I'm gonna tell

the parents of these poor children.

Oh, sh*t.

Not a pretty sight, is it, Pondo?

Are you pleased with yourself?

Pack your things and get out.

Hey, Pondo.

- I heard you got thrown out of school.

- Yes, sir.

You don't have to clean up that mess.

I'll clean it up.

Don't worry about it.

I made the mess, I'll clean it up.

You got it.

Hi, Holly.

- I know.

- What?

Shut up and kiss me.

- That was wonderful.

- I know.

This sh*t's eating me alive.

- Don't go.

- Easy, baby.

Now I'm going to show you

the eighth wonder of the world.

Don't you touch me!

Holly.

What is this sh*t?

Elbow.

Elbow, wait.

I'll clean it up. I'll do it.

It ain't that much fun, Pondo.

No, go on, Elbow, I'll clean it up.

Go have a bourbon in the boiler room.

Bye, Elbow. So long.

Are you it?

Talk to me.

Not that much.

Are you what I've been looking for?

I got it. Elbow.

Studley, I got it.

No! Not the whipped cream, please!

Hi, girls.

Out of the way, Studley.

What happened?

- I found it.

- Found what?

- I'm a party animal.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Where are the girls?

Pondo, the girl is half a mile away.

Hey, girlie.

Over here.

- This is the Mount Everest of womanhood.

- No sweat!

- These girls live behind steel doors.

- No sweat.

No man has ever made it to the

third floor of this building.

- Studley, no sweat.

- All right.

Hi, baby.

Kiss me.

Studley, I did it!

Au contraire, Pondo, look.

Pondo.

Go.

That's my Pondo.

And stop.

Pondo, I am so proud of you!

We got to get you back in school.

- I've got to see the Dean.

- She's busy.

But I'm not.

New in town, sailor?

I've got a headache.

- You need to relax.

- No. You need to relax.

Be calm. Take a deep breath.

See these fingers?

They work wonders.

This won't hurt a bit.

- I promise.

- No, you don't, no way.

Oh, my God. I think I'm in love.

Dean Fox.

You are not Dean Fox!

No, honey, I'm the new Dean.

Look what the gods done sent me.

In 1925...

Dr. Bob Stern discovered this.

He believed this was

some sort of symbol for...

people who would go into the cave,

to tell them how to get out.

Because he himself had gotten lost

at this point...

Would you knock it off?

We call this the "Stern Map."

- They used this at NASA...

- Sorry, Professor.

...from Earth up to the moon and back.

Pondo, take me!

Back!

Studley, I don't know

if I like this anymore.

Pondo, this is every man's dream!

I'm scared and I'm tired. Go away!

- Scared of what?

- Every woman I see wants me.

- That's wonderful.

- No, it's terrible, Studley.

I've been greedy.

I'm like King Midas.

Everything I touch turns to poontang.

What is this?

All this fuss, this commotion?

Over who? Over Pondo?

Of course, in the total scope of things,

he wasn't asking for very much.

He just wanted to get himself

a little, that's all.

No!

Old Pondo.

For a white boy, he did all right.

Pondo?

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