The Perfect Man Page #4

Hypothetically.

Say she does.

Then what?

Patsy Cline's her sad music?

Wait a minute.

Now.

This is very happy music.

Keep it. But you know what?

Even if he does

cheer her up...

he can't be a guy

that's afraid of tears.

It's like he wrote

it about us.

What if she's into word games?

Scrabble, you know,

stuff like that?

Oh, yeah. Good stuff.

A little wit,

a little wordplay.

I like that.

And if she's been

dumped a lot? Then what?

A lot?

That's a tough one.

I guess the perfect guy

would be...

He'd be someone who could...

He could be anywhere

in the world...

but he chooses

to be with her because...

life is better with her

by his side.

What do you think?

Did I pass the test?

Very nice to meet you.

Stop it!

Big problem.

Hey, cutie.

Hi, Amber.

Hey, okay. Designer dress,

bias cut, wedding chic.

Where's the problem?

It's a small fortune.

No, that's a lie.

It's a large fortune.

It's your day. Do it.

Really?

Yeah.

I adore you.

Okay, what about the cake?

You know what, girls?

I got to go to work. Really.

I was thinking

of something layers,

chocolate, strawberry.

Amber, let's talk

about it tomorrow.

Lance, step away

from the purse.

She's gorgeous.

Yeah.

Together they look

like the winners of

a genetic lottery. Come on.

Here, let me get this

for you. You got it?

Thanks. Well, Lenny, I...

Whoops, we're wet. Watch it.

I don't even know

what to say. It's been...

Now, Jean,

I had a fantastic time.

I got to tell you,

I really, you know.

I really, I could get

used to this.

You're a good kisser.

It was a really good time.

All right. So,

I'll see you at work, okay?

My shoes.

I'm sorry.

How was the '80s flashback?

You scared me!

His stupid car is louder

than a jumbo jet.

He probably woke up

the whole entire neighborhood.

Holly, for me, would you

give Lenny a chance?

Mom, for me,

would you go slow this time?

You don't know

who else is out there.

No, but here's what I do know:

Tonight I had

a pretty good time.

"Oh what a tangled web

we weave

"When first

we practice to deceive!"

Who wants to talk

about what that means?

He needs to write her

a letter.

Who?

The perfect man.

Adam, care to elucidate?

Yeah, you.

What do you think

Sir Walter Scott

was talking about?

You're going to

forge a letter?

I have to. If I don't...

my mom's going to be

walking down the aisle...

to the sound of Mr. Roboto.

Well, I think, it's that

lies get complicated.

Because?

Usually if you tell a lie,

you have to tell another lie.

Except she's totally going to

recognize my handwriting.

She won't recognize mine.

True.

And each lie turns into

another lie...

and another lie, and it

makes things complicated.

Until, eventually, you're left

with this big mess of lies...

that you can't

find your way out of.

We'll do it

right after school.

Perfect.

Perfect.

All right. I'll buy that.

Alana, what does "tangled web"

symbolize?

What if she's into word games?

Scrabble, you know,

stuff like that?

Oh, yeah. Good stuff.

A little wit,

a little wordplay.

I like that.

I know what I'm doing

borders on delusional...

but what can I say?

Desperate times call

for desperate measures.

Trust me. If you met Lenny...

you'd lick the envelope

and lend me a stamp.

Hi.

Where did her troops go?

She needed some quiet time...

to think things out.

What kind of things?

Well, you know,

like what her next step is.

You know,

whether she's going to form...

a powerful alliance

with a prince or go it alone.

Which is she gonna choose?

I think she's going to go

with the prince.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

He's kind of a great guy,

you know.

He's handsome.

He's very nice.

And the thing with the...

Jousting.

Jousting. Yes.

You should see him joust.

He is like Joe Jouster.

Any time that anybody

ever wants to hang out

with him...

he's like "Guys,

I can't. I've gotta

practice my jousting. "

Do you want to sit?

No.

I made plans

with someone. So...

I thought you weren't

much of a planner.

Yeah. Right.

Holly? Do you think

we're going to stay here?

I don't know. Why?

There's a big spelling bee

coming up with

all the other schools.

My teacher entered me.

I bet you're

going to win that. You're the

best speller I know.

Yeah. Only, it's not

for a couple of months.

Well, you never know,

we might still be here.

I hope so.

I've never entered anything.

Hi, girls.

Mommy, are you sick?

What?

You don't look normal.

I got a letter.

What kind of letter?

It's a love letter.

What does it say?

One second.

Hey, you! Give me that!

"My dearest Jean.

"The letters J-E-A-N

used to spell out just

another word for denim. "

This guy is great, Mom.

"But, since I found you,

I hear those

four-letter words...

"and all I think about is

another four-letter-word:

"love. L-O-V-E."

Love?

Yeah.

He loves you?

That's what he said.

Zoe, he's trying

to be romantic.

"Being near you

is like standing

on a triple word score. "

He plays Scrabble.

"Everything matters

three times as much.

"The sun shines three times

as bright...

"and I am three times

as happy. "

What's this?

He gave you a present?

I like him now.

Smart, witty, romantic.

You can't still think

this guy is Lenny, right?

It is kind of hard to picture

Lenny playing Scrabble.

Come on, Mom, let's dance.

You go, Mom!

Mom.

No!

Come on.

I can't believe it.

And he sent you

a present, too?

Yeah, a CD of a band

I'd never heard of,

but I loved.

It's like he knows me better

than I know myself.

So why is he hiding?

He's not hiding.

He's just...

Just what?

Excuse me? Can you help me?

Dinner's ready.

There must be something wrong

with him.

Who?

Mr. Wonderful.

What? No,

there's nothing wrong

with him. He's perfect.

Then why all the secrecy?

Why doesn't he just come on

over, show his face,

and say hello?

Like a normal person.

Listen to yourself.

The man wants to be

the least bit romantic...

and all of sudden you think

he's not normal.

How do I know if he is?

And if he is,

what does he look like?

Is he tall, is he short?

Does he have

blond, curly hair,

straight, black hair, what?

I bet he has a big,

fat wart on his nose.

I bet that he's really,

really handsome.

And how would you know?

He writes like

he's really handsome.

Honey, have you seen

pictures of Shakespeare?

Bald, skinny.

Does that

even really matter?

Yes. Because you can't have

a relationship with a man...

you've never laid eyes on.

Honey, I've got a party of 50

coming in a half an hour.

It will only

take a second.

Oh, You can take my picture.

Just be sure

to get my good side.

Over here, Brad Pitt.

Over here, David Spade,

not so cute.

No, I'm just swamped,

I'm sorry.

Hey, Uncle Ben,

what's that stuff you put

on top of your spinach salad?

Parmesan what?

Cheese.

Ben. It's a nice name.

Uncomplicated.

Dependable. Ben.

And it's way better

than Lenny. And he's way cuter

than Lenny.

Don't you be mean

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