The Pick-up Artist Page #4

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The nicest young man.

- Ah, Fritz from Vienna.

- No, Serge from Central Park.

But he's from Vienna too.

Serge Handfeld.

- You met him in Central Park?

- On the park bench.

- Handfeld? Did he ask you where you live?

- Yes.

- And you told him?

- Of course. It isn't any secret, is it?

What does he do?

Does he have a job? How does he live?

What do you know about this guy?

- His clothes are very nice.

- Oh, that's reassuring.

Till it blows over, sit in another part

of the park. I don't want him bothering you.

- It's no bother. He's taking me to dinner.

- Serge Handfeld?

- What's his number? I'll call and cancel.

- I don't know his number.

- He didn't give you his number?

- I don't need it. He's going to pick me up.

I'll call in 90 minutes. If you're not home...

It'll mean that things are going very well.

Serge Handfeld.

How about an orange juice?

For you, anything.

How about a pretzel to wash it down?

No. Low fiber. I'm getting grainy wheats and

bran. Stuff that rockets through your system.

Pretzels clog up your colon triglycerides.

One can't hurt.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

It'll help if you chew it.

- No time. I gotta find a job.

- You've got a job.

- I could be more helpful at another school.

- What?

- I got a warning.

- Jack, you're a great teacher.

I am ahead of my time.

- Good afternoon, ladies.

- Hi.

- What's your name?

- Michelle.

- And yours?

- Joan.

Did you hear the way she said that?

What do you do for a living?

- Model.

- Am I a moron? Of course you're models.

Jack, is there a desert

you wouldn't walk across

to spend five minutes

with either of these devastating beauties?

Thanks, Phil.

He's shy.

- Hi. Can I get my things?

- Yeah.

- Thanks.

- Sure.

- See you later.

- Goodbye.

Randy!

Randy!

- What are you doing?

- I want to make sure you're all right.

- I'm fine.

- Who is this guy?

- I have to talk to you.

- Jack, I have to want you to act this way.

- You do.

- I don't.

- I'm coming up.

- No!

Why am I so confused?

Your mother said I shouldn't be a father.

- Please.

- Your mother was right.

Daddy, please,

will you just try to clean yourself up?

- Jack, you can't stay here. You have to go.

- He just got here.

- He has to go.

- Maybe he'd like a drink before he goes.

- Thanks.

- What's your pleasure?

We got Johnnie Walker Red,

Johnnie Black, beer, wine...

There are things going on that

you know nothing about. You have to go.

- Can I say one thing?

- No.

- OK. Don't expect to ever see me again.

- I won't.

This is a tragic mistake.

- What's going on?

- Oh, sh*t.

- Are you and your boyfriend in trouble?

- Come on.

- You must be. I know you're in trouble.

- Don't say a word.

I'm not blind.

I know you're in some kind of trouble.

- Tell me the facts...

- Shut up!

- Where's the lush?

- I don't know.

- Atlantic City? Vegas?

- No.

If you don't know where he is,

how do you know he isn't in Vegas?

I'll have your money by noon tomorrow.

How? You gonna

bet some more horses at OTB?

- I'll get it.

- What if you don't?

I want my money. You want to keep Flash

from getting mangled? I offered a way out.

Portacarrero is a handsome guy.

Women fall at his feet.

- What do women do when they see him?

- Fall at his feet.

I seen it. They chase him.

He doesn't chase them. They chase him.

OK, can you please leave now?

The offer holds, but just for tonight.

- Am I being fair?

- More than fair.

You're not a virgin,

so why do you come on like one?

- Why are you being so stupid?

- I don't do anything I don't want to do.

Then find a way to want to. It won't be hard.

Fernando likes you. He's... What's the word?

- Crazy.

- Obsessed. He's become obsessed with you.

Spend a night with the guy. Make him happy.

You can make a lot of money from this guy.

You want his money, you date him.

Excuse me. Are you getting wise with me?

Are you getting wise with me?

OK.

How much money

are we talking about here? Huh?

- What are you? Glue?

- How much?

25,418.

Not a problem. I'll take care of it.

- What's your profession, cupcake?

- I'm a romantic.

That's lucrative. Where's the cash?

- Do you mean is it on me?

- On you, off you, up you.

Did you ever hear

of Serge Handfeld from Austria?

We're like this. I'll have the money tomorrow.

Randy knows where to find you, doesn't she?

Noon. Tomorrow.

And not a minute later.

- Who's Serge Handfeld?

- Serge? He's...

- Where the hell can you get $25,000?

- Where?

Is everything a joke?

You couldn't stay in the closet.

- And not help you?

- I don't want your help.

Now, wait a minute, honey.

Let's not be hasty.

Well, this guy Jimmy's got a lot of heart.

A lot of positive energy coming off him.

But we don't want to block up his organs.

I don't believe we've been introduced.

I'm Jack Jericho. Jack, not Jimmy.

Yeah. No offense intended. Flash.

- Can you please leave now?

- Absolutely.

I want you to know our relationship

has been one of friendship.

Jimmy, whatever. This Australian count

that you were talking about -

can he really come up with

the $25,000 overnight?

- May I say one thing?

- You're not gonna pay off our debt.

Randy, be rational for a second.

He wants to save us from disaster.

It would be bad karma to say no to him.

- May I say one thing?

- No. I won't accept your help.

That's what I'm trying to say. There's nothing

to accept. Serge Handfeld is as broke as I am.

How can he be broke?

Only ten minutes ago,

he was the richest man in Yugoslavia.

How long have you been with this guy? Why

do you keep ditching me? I'm trying to help.

- Why would you want to help me?

- I like you. Today in the park was brilliant.

- Are you saying I'm your first good time?

- No.

- I'm trying to get you out of a mess...

- You can't.

- Who's Flash, by the way?

- I don't have time for this, OK?

Flash is totally wrong for you.

That's all I have to say.

- You don't know anything.

- I don't know anything?

If I win you a teddy bear, we'll spend

the night together. If not, I'll leave you alone.

- Big gambler, huh?

- How many to win a big one?

You gotta get three out of three.

It's a quarter a pop.

I can do this with my eyes closed.

Swish. One down. Two to go.

Swish.

Wanna try again?

- I lost the bet, but I'll go with you.

- Where?

Wherever. You need me.

I don't know how long you've been together.

It's noble to take on your boyfriend's debt.

A lot of people would be...

- What?

- You're completely crazy.

...the 19th century.

A man who had outgrown his fear of space...

- Is this the way to the museum?

- No, the planetarium.

- Excuse me.

- Excuse us.

- I really don't know what the point of this is.

- Neither do I, but we're on the right track.

- Are the cheques ready?

- Yeah. They're upstairs.

- Are you gonna stay for the show?

- Yeah.

Come on.

The Earth is a speck of dust,

rotating in a solar system

itself no more than specks of dust

floating in a galaxy,

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