The Pick-up Artist Page #3

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- Test me.

There's a special place I'm gonna take you.

It's very private, very hidden.

- Wanna know where?

- Surprise me.

This never happens. This very rarely happens.

I have a perfect communion with this car.

It just needs a little foreplay.

Try it again. It'll work now.

- Do you have magic powers?

- I guess we'll know soon enough.

Did anyone tell you

you're too good to be true?

No, only that I'm too truthful to be good.

Great line. Wow.

You're smart, aren't you? Did you

go to college? No? That's very exciting.

Wow, intelligence to me

is just the greatest stimulant there is.

There's nothing

more stimulating than... than...

- What are you looking at?

- Your legs, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

I thought my intelligence stimulated you.

It does. I've always responded to women

with intensity, but in the past it's been mixed.

I love the arms, but I hate the voice.

I love the voice, but I hate the mind.

Then I have to concentrate on the one thing

that excited me in order to get going.

With you it's different. Everything excites me.

- What are you thinking?

- I'm wondering if we'll sit here until winter.

You're wonderful.

Do you have any idea how great you feel?

You're like silk, you're like cream.

Do you love the way that feels?

Does that hurt?

Are you sure? God, this is paradise, isn't it?

Could you move your arm?

My spine is snapping on the brake.

- How's that?

- Fine.

Is there anything that could make this

moment any more perfect than it is now?

Just one. If you could keep quiet

for the next 15 seconds, I'll come.

It's ten o'clock. She should be here.

This is definitely gonna go down in history

as one of the high points of my life.

Well, I'm glad I could oblige.

Do you feel great?

- I feel fine.

- Not great?

Would it upset you if I chose my own words?

Absolutely not. Look, I gotta get to work,

but let me get your phone number.

No, I can't.

- Why? Are you married? Boyfriend?

- No.

Then what's your problem?

I can fit it right here. See?

The fit is not the problem.

What is?

- I don't give out my number.

- After what we've just been through?

That was in the past.

A phone number's in the future.

- How are we gonna see each other again?

- We aren't.

- I thought we loved it.

- Don't worry. You'll recover.

You probably hit on 30 girls a day. I'm sure

at least one says yes, so by tomorrow...

Did you say one for 30? One for 30? A

leprous warthog does better than one for 30.

A warthog doesn't come on 30 times a day.

- Why do you think I do?

- Instinct.

- Where are you going?

- Work. Walking distance.

- What's your last name? Can you tell me?

- I can, but I'm not going to.

Were you faking it?

No, I had a lovely time. Thank you very much.

Hey! Randy!

Randy.

- If he doesn't cooperate, it'll get much worse.

- I have to go.

Let go of me! I'll get your money, OK?

- What do you want to see first?

- The dinosaurs. They're extinct.

- Why should we see them?

- Maybe they won't be here next time.

- Sidney, are the cheques ready yet?

- Not till tonight.

- Are you sure?

- Would I lie to you about a cheque?

Thanks.

Hi, can you hold these for me till later?

Hi, I'm Randy Jensen, and I'm your guide.

We can start in the dinosaur hall. Follow me.

Excuse me. I'd like to make an appointment

for a group tour. Can that be arranged?

Anything can be arranged, within reason.

- May I request a particular guide?

- Sure. Who'd you have in mind?

- Randy Jensen?

- Jensen?

The lady you were looking at,

with the red hair?

How's two o'clock this afternoon?

- No batter!

- Batter, batter, batter!

Yeah! Beauty!

- Great hit, Richie.

- Great pitch. You put it right where I like it.

Angie, keep your eye on the ball.

OK, no batter, no batter.

Automatic out. No batter.

- Why didn't you swing?

- You said to keep my eye on it.

- Yeah, then you gotta swing, OK?

- Stupid dumbo! Stupid dumbo!

Charlie.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be sorry to me.

- I'm sorry, Angie.

- It's OK, Charlie.

OK, Angie, watch the ball.

Focus your attention.

That's all you guys have to do -

baseball, math, book reports,

just focus your energy,

concentrate on one object.

All right? Ready?

Yeah! See, you just zero in and do it.

All right, hustle up.

OK, that's it for baseball, gang.

Everyone gather round. I got a big surprise.

You guys have been after me

to go to the Museum of Natural History.

I won't tell you unless you be quiet.

Quiet.

Good afternoon, Ms. Jensen. May I ask you

a question? Did anyone ever tell you...

That I have the face of a Botticelli?

Some guy used that on me this morning.

OK, everybody, follow me.

- What did you think?

- You could take him or leave him.

- What would you do?

- Probably take him and leave him.

- You sound cold.

- You have to be with guys like that.

- Like what?

- Cruisers, collectors, pick-up artists.

Guys who carry a list of numbers so long,

they don't know if they did or didn't.

- That's all you thought he was?

- That's all I saw.

Maybe he wants to make sure

that it's the angel of his dreams before...

- Sounds like one of his one-liners.

- You're putting down one-liners?

Author of, "I'm not too good to be true,

only too truthful to be good."

We could cause each other a lot of trouble.

Who knows the name of this dinosaur?

- Brontosaurus.

- That's it. Brontosaurus.

It's believed to be one of the biggest animals

that walked on Earth. It was 70 feet long

and 50 tons - that's 100,000 pounds.

Do you know what the odds are against

two strangers seeing each other twice

in a city of eight million human beings?

- Eight million to one.

- Four million to one.

That's my point.

Isn't this more than coincidence?

Did you ever hear

John Calvin's theory of predestination?

- You're talking religion?

- Make fun, go ahead.

But don't expect this mysterious force

that brought us together to wait to guide us

together again. It's got others to connect.

- Yes, other romantic visionaries.

- Yeah. How do you mean that?

- I have another tour.

- I have a social-studies class.

We'll have to wait till dinner.

How about after dinner?

- Are you like this with all pick-ups?

- You're not a pick-up.

- What do you want from me?

- Dinner.

I see. You have to feel that what I'm saying

to you I've never said to anyone else.

Take out your telephone directory.

Tear it up.

Tear it up? What... what is that gonna...

You think this list

means anything to me? Look.

Here.

Is everyone here?

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Several tours started late today.

My name is Randy Jensen.

I'm gonna be your guide.

- Excuse us. One second.

- Excuse me.

- What do you want from me?

- Your absence.

- You mean it?

- Yes.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

You want me to leave you alone?

Yes.

OK. Fine.

Come on. Let's go.

- Grandma, what are you doing?

- About what?

- Why are you so dressed up?

- Am I?

- Yeah. You got some special plans?

- Oh, yes. There's a man I met.

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