The Pickwick Papers Page #2

of mine for the occasion. But you are rather slim, and

I -

Rather fat. A Bacchus dismounted from

tub.

Have some wine.

I was about to observe that a suit of my friend Mr.

Winkle would perhaps fit you better.

He has a new blue coat with the club buttons. He's

own invention, and not yet officially in use by the rest

of us.

Just the thing. Let music be the food of Love. Play

on?

Give me excess of it. Et cetera and so forth. After

you, sir.

- Music -

Charming group. Pompous doctor. Army. Gaudy.

Lady in

black, aging widow. Lots of money. Our first chance

to

get our dance with widow, doctor's nose out of joint.

Entertaining. Very.

Do you know the Lady, sir?

Never saw her in my Life.

Your servant, ma'am. Jingles the name. Lord

Alfred Jingle. Link major the 33rd. May I have the

honor of this dance? So charming, please, may I?

Well.

And what is the name, Love?

Budger.

Budger. Any relation to Colonel Budger?

- Music-

Sir, my name is Slammer. Dr. Slammer, sir. 97th

regiment Chatham Barracks. My card, sir, my card.

Much obliged. Not sick at the moment, Slammer.

When I

am, Look you up.

Sir, you're a stuffier, a poltroon, a coward, a Liar.

Will nothing induce you to give me your card, sir?

I see. Too much claret cup. Elderly gentlemen, the

hot room. Very foolish. Suffer in morning. Lemonade

much safer.

You are intoxicated now, sir. You shall hear from me

in the morning, sir. I shall find you out, sir. I shall

find you out.

Possible. I doubt very much if youll find me in.

- Music-

Mr. Winkle.

Mr. Winkle. Mr. Winkle. Boots informs me that a

gentleman in the coffee room is asking for you with

great

insistence?

For me?

It's the gentleman who owns the blue dress coat

with the guilt buttons, sir.

- Music-

This is the gentleman what owns the blue coat, sir.

Sir, allow me to introduce my -

You will not be surprised when I tell you I have

called

here on behalf of my friend, Dr. Slammer of the 97th.

Dr. Slammer of the who?

My friend Dr. Slammer commissioned me to say that

should you plead the excuse of intoxication for your

behavior Last night -

Intoxication? Mr. Winkle? Never.

He will consent to accept a written apology to be

penned by you from my dictation.

A written apology? For what, sir?

Yes, for what?

I was not present myself, sir. The matter is between

yourself and Dr. Slammer. You are aware of course

that the

alternative to an apology is a duel.

A duel?

A duel.

A duel? May I have a word with my friend? Mr.

Pickwick,

This is a nightmare. I did wear my blue coat Last night.

It was Lying on the floor this morning. I must have

taken too much wine, changed my coat, gone

somewhere and

insulted someone, and this is the terrible

consequence?

My dear sir.

Shall I write the apology?

Can you as a man of honor?

You feel I should accept the challenge?

As a gentleman, you have no choice.

Absolutely none?

Absolutely none.

Then you know best, I hope.

Sir, my friend accepts the challenge.

Shall we say sunset this evening, sir?

Shall we, Mr. Winkle? We shall, sir.

If you will come to Fort Pitt, I will meet you there

and take you to a secluded place where the affair

can be

conducted without fear of interruption. Good

morning,

sir.

Good morning.

You will need a second, Mr. Winkle.

Shall I?

I should be honored to attend you.

Thank you.

Not at all. Course of friendship, sir.

- Music-

Will he be a good shot, this doctor?

Most of these military men are. But so are you, are

you not?

Sometimes.

You've always given me to understand that you have

a very nimble arm with firearms.

Mr. Pickwick, if I fall, you will find in a packet

which I shall place in your hands a letter for my

father.

I shall deliver it in person.

Mr. Pickwick, if this should come to the ears of

the authorities, you might be transported for Life as

an

accessory to the fact.

In the cause of friendship, I would brave all

dangers.

Mr. Pickwick, I must not be prevented from fighting

this duel. You must not give information to the local

authorities. Do not obtain the assistance of several

peace officers to take either me or Dr. Slammer into

custody. I say, do not.

Not for the world.

- Music-

There's nothing more to be said, I think, sir. An

apology has been resolutely declined.

Yes, sir, it has.

They are loaded. Do you object to using them?

Certainly not, sir.

We may place our men, then, I think.

Yes, I think we may.

Be calm, my dear fellow, and shoot only to wing him.

In 15 seconds precisely upon the command, 20

paces,

turn and fire. One, two, three, four.

Are you sure you have that letter, Mr. Pickwick?

Yes, yes, my dear fellow. Concentrate on the matter

at

hand.

Who are you?

What's all this? That's not the man.

Not the man?

Not the man?

Not the man?

Certainly not.

Extraordinary.

Most extraordinary.

I'm not the man. I knew it.

Then why didn't you say so, sir?

Yes, sir. Why didn't you say so?

Because, sir, you ascribed intoxication an

ungentlemanly behavior to a person wearing a coat

which I

not only have the honor to own, but to have invented,

the proposed uniform of the Pickwick Club of

London. The

honor of that uniform I felt bound to maintain, and I

therefore without inquiry accepted the challenge

which

you offered me.

Oh, Mr. Winkle. Bravo.

My dear sir, I honor your gallantry.

I beg you won't mention it, sir.

I shall feel proud of your acquaintance, sir.

It will afford me the greatest of pleasure to know

you, sir.

I think we may adjourn.

Certainly.

Certainly, sir.

Certainly.

Can't understand. Usually I'm Lucky at cards. Lost

ancestral seat. Fortune, horses, one fell swoop.

My friends.

My dear sir.

We have met some worthy gentleman who are

interested

in the pursuits of our club. Very pleasant fellows. And

here they are.

- Music -

Allow me to introduce you. Dr. Slammer.

I have met this gentleman before. Sir, you were

present

at the ball Last night.

I seem to recall something to that effect.

That person was your companion.

I believe it's Possible.

I ask you once again in the presence of these

gentlemen whether you will choose to give me your

card

and receive the treatment of a gentleman, or whether

you

impose on me the necessity of kicking you on the

spot.

One moment, Dr. Slammer. Haven't I seen you

acting in

the local theater, sir?

Certainly.

He is a strolling actor. You cannot proceed in the

affair, Slammer. Impossible.

Quite, sir.

Allow me to suggest, sir, that the best way of

avolding

a recurrence of this situation in the future is to

be more select in your choice of companions. Good

day, sir.

And allow me to say, sir, had I been Dr. Slammer or

had

I been the Lieutenant, I should have pulled your nose,

sir, and the nose of every man present. I would, sir.

Every man.

My name is Payne, sir. Dr. Payne with the 43rd.

Good day, sir.

Do I understand that you were the wearer of my

coat

Last night, Mr. Jingle?

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