The Pickwick Papers Page #5

the room at once, and this half sovereign is yours.

Follow me, sir.

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Open up!

Yes, yes?

Oh!

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You're an artful blackguard, aren't you?

I ought to have you horse whipped!

Dear, sir, please, consider defamation of

character! Calm yourself!

How dare you drag my sister from my house!

Ay, you can ask it. How dare you, sir?

Who the devil are you, sir?

Who is he, you scoundrel! He's my Lawyer! Mr.

Parker of

Gray's Inn. Parker, I'LL have this man indicted,

persecuted! I'LL ruin him! And you, you, Rachael at

the

time of Life when you ought to know better, what do

you

mean by running away with a vagabond, bringing

disgrace

on your family and making yourself miserable?

Get your bonnet on and come back! Where

are said boots?

Call a hackney coach, sir, directly.

Yes, sir

And bring the Ladys bill, you hear? You hear?

Certainly, sir.

Rachael, you will get your bonnet on.

Nothing of the kind. Leave the room, sir. Lady,

free to act as she pleases. She is more than one

and twenty.

More than one and twenty. She's more than one and

forty.

I'm not!

You are! You're 50 if you're a day.

A Glass of water, quick!

Glass of water? Bring a bucket of water and throw it

all over her! Itll do her good. She deserves every

drop

of it.

Orders carried out, sir.

Boots, get me an officer.

Stay, stay. Consider, sir. Consider.

I will not consider, sir. She's her own mistress. See

who dares take her away against her own wishes.

I will not be taken away. I don't wish it.

My dear sir, my dear sir, we're in a very awkward

situation. I warned you before we came there was

nothing to Look to but a compromise.

What kind of compromise do you suggest?

Mr. Jingle, would you be good enough to step into

the

next room? Mr. Wardle.

Well, sir?

Now, my dear sir, I put it to you, don't you think

that 50 pounds and Liberty would be better than Ms.

Wardle and her expectations?

Won't do.

Why not?

Not enough.

Well, my dear, sir, we won't waste time

spitting straws. Say 70.

Won't do.

80. Come. I'LL give you the cash at once.

Won't do.

Well, my dear sir, just tell me what will do.

Expensive affair. Out of pocket, breach of

honor, Loss of Lady.

Say a hundred.

And 20?

Oh, my dear, sir.

Give it to him and Let him go!

One, two 50's, two 10's. A receipt, if you please.

Oh, come, sir. Gentlemen's agreement. Oh,

here, sir.

What is it?

A marriage License.

Give to Tuppy. Do for same Lady.

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It's time we taught him a Lesson!

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Up you go, sir.

Furniture must be cheap where you come from, sir.

Hold still, sir. Now, what's the use of running after a

man as has made his Lucky and got to the other end

of

London by now, ay?

To the Golden Cross.

Away.

To think that I have been the innocent cause of so

much

indignity. It will be my solemn duty to settle with

that villain if ever I meet him again.

Ah, the world is very full of villains, to be sure,

sir. What you need, if you don't mind my being so

bold,

is extra reserves to fall back on if and when, sir.

Extra reserves?

A henchman, sir. A confidential gentleman's

gentleman. A valet, sir. Someone as can clean your

shoes so's you can see your face in them.

Now you come to mention it, I believe I do need a

man

servant.

And he's standing right before your very eyes this

very minute, sir, or I'm a Dutchman's donkey with

a red mark coattail.

But have you any reason to be discontented with

your present place?

Well, a poor answer to that question, sir. I should

Like to know in the first place whether you're going to

provide me with a better. So out with it, as the father

said to the child when he swallowed the farthing.

I must give this thought. Yes, very serious thought. I

shall have to raise the matter with Mrs. Bardell, of

course, my housekeeper. But if she approves, as I

have no

doubt she will do, yes, I think it would be a most

admirable arrangement. I'LL speak to Mrs. Bardell at

once?

Ah, Mrs. Bardell.

Yes, sir?

Do you think it very much more expensive to keep

two

people than to keep one?

Mr. Pickwick, what a question.

I know, but do you?

Oh, Mr. Pickwick, it is so kind of you to have such

consideration for my Loneliness.

Oh, yes, I'd never thought of that. When I'm in

town, you will always have someone to sit with you.

To

be sure you will.

Mr. Pickwick.

And to tell you the truth, Mrs. Bardell, I've

made up my mind.

Mr. Pickwick, I'm sure I should be the happiest of

women?

Then it's a bargain, is it?

Yes, you good, kind, playful dear.

Bless my soul! Mrs. Bardell.

Somebody might come!

Let them come. I'LL never Leave you, you dear, kind,

good soul.

No, don't you faint, too. Mercy upon me. I hear

someone

coming up the stairs. Don't, my good creature, don't.

Oh, what are you doing to my momma?

Let go my momma.

Stop it! Desist! Take this Little vern away.

What is the matter with Mrs. Bardell?

I don't know.

Help me to get her downstairs.

No, no, I'm better now.

Let me Lead you downstairs.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

A very extraordinary thing.

Very.

Placed me in an extremely awkward situation.

Extremely.

Mr. Pickwick, there's a man downstairs, wants to

see

you, says his name is Weller. Shall I tell him to be

off?

No, no indeed. Be good enough to call him upstairs,

Mr. Snodgrass.

Certainly.

You're very silent.

So are you.

I cannot conceive what took hold of that woman. I

had merely announced to her my intention of

keeping a man

servant, this very Mr. Weller, when she fell into

that extraordinary paroxysm in which you found her.

Oh, quite?

Mr. Weller, Mr. Pickwick.

As per instruction, sir.

Ah, my man. I have decided to engage you.

Have you, now? Wages?

12 pounds a year.

Uh-huh. Clothing?

Two suits.

Take the sign out of the window. I'm Let to a single

gentleman, and the terms is agreed upon.

Excellent.

By the by, sir, this was on the hall table addressed

to you, sir. An invitation of some kind.

Mrs. Leo Hunter invites Mr. Pickwick and friends to a

Literary fancy dress breakfast party August the

14th, 9:
00 a. m. RSVP. The Den, Eatanswill,

Middlesex.

Fancy dress?

Imagine that.

Whatever shall we go as?

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Welcome one, welcome all to our gladsome revels

on

This gladsome day. As my stalwart fellow worshippers

of thespians know, it is our custom at these garden

gatherings of the gifted to offer up our latest

offspring bread at the altar of Carnasis. So

with all humility, I shall break the metaphorical ice.

Thank you. Ode to An Expiring Frog, some Lines

written by myself. Can I view thee panting, Lying on

thy

stomach, without sighing? Can I unmoved see thee

dying on a

Log expiring frog?

Say, have fiends in shape of boys, with wild halloo

and

brutal noise, hunted thee from marshy joys, with a

dog,

expiring frog.

Most affecting.

Such elegant sentiments.

I didn't Like it.

Thank you.

Ah, my guest of honor.

Bravo, Mrs. Hunter, ma'am. Beautiful. Finely

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