The Pink Panther Page #2

l'm looking for my uncle,

Sir Charles Lytton.

- Darling!

- May l get you some water?

- Hold your hands over your head.

- Yes. And bend forward.

- Ooh! Darling, l am sorry.

- Are you all right?

You all right, my darling?

- l'll be right back.

- Yes, darling.

Please.

She's got a cough in the throat, you know.

What do you think?

She turned out to be a man.

lt's true. lt's quite true.

Your Highness, you must

let me give you a party.

l can positively guarantee

it'll be a party to end all parties.

- l'm sure.

- Perhaps Her Highness has other plans.

On the contrary, it sounds like fun.

Will you include Sir Charles?

No. Charles is having a fling in Capri.

He has his own parties.

Yes. l've read about his parties.

They're wonderful. We call him the

Juggler. l've never known a man like him.

He can keep ten girls in the air at once

and make each one happy.

- Amazing. A contemporary Don Juan.

- That's it.

Ah, there's a difference. Don Juan was

forced to climb balconies and fight duels,

and, as l understand it,

to keep his women separate and apart.

Now, Charles drives a Ferrari, enters with

a key, and resorts to collective bargaining.

Ooh!

- But they have something in common.

- What's that, Your Highness?

Maybe it's best forgotten.

Don't be silly. Charles doesn't mind.

Everyone takes a pot shot at Charles.

- Go ahead, ma'am. Shoot.

- lt seems to me,

any middle-aged bachelor who has never

desired the rewards of wife and family,

and occupies the major portion of his life

making one conquest after another,

is trying to prove something

that he can never possibly prove.

- And what's that?

- That he's a man.

Oh, you're joking!

- lt's complicated, but basically sound.

- Well, Charles?

Not very original. That theory

has become rather a tired Freudian clich.

- But true.

- l've never been on the couch.

Not true. That's part of your problem.

(laughter)

(man) How refreshing

to find royalty with such wit.

Charles, are you going

to take that lying down?

Yes, as a matter of fact. Ma'am, my leg

is hurting rather badly. May l be excused?

- l'll be damned.

- l can't believe it.

- The leg?

- l haven't the faintest idea.

(Angela) That just goes to prove there's a

first time for everything. Our turn to laugh.

Simone!

(electric razor humming)

Jacques, l'm still cold.

Perhaps another blanket, my darling?

Yes. All right, darling.

There you are, my darling.

Jacques, the light.

- Jacques?

- What, darling?

l'm sorry, my darling. lt doesn't help.

Oh?

(Simone) Perhaps a hot glass of milk.

But l think the room service

has finished, my love.

- Yes, of course. l forgot.

- You see...

(Simone sighs)

(Clouseau) Well, no matter.

There, you see.

lf my little pigeon wants a glass of milk,

she shall have one.

Even if l have to force them

to open the kitchen.

She shall have milk

wherever she goes, hot or cold.

- Hot.

- l know. That's what l said, hot.

Put it there.

Charles?

Darling, l've got to talk to you.

l've sent Jacques for some milk.

l only have a moment.

- Well, let's make the most of it.

- Stop it.

- lt was your idea.

- But you're the wrong...

The wrong what? Man?

Did you think l was...?

No, l thought you were who you are.

But l'm too impulsive.

This is not the right way...

Maybe another time.

- Here you are, my beloved.

- Thank you.

That was all they had.

You can't get a thing in this hotel. l had

to force them to give me that. Never mind.

My darling. Lovely darling.

- (Clouseau) Oh!

- What's wrong?

My darling, your feet are like two icicles.

Have you been out of bed or something?

No, of course not.

Ah, well. Anyway,

you warm them on me, eh?

(Clouseau gasps)

(phone rings)

Hello.

lt's Princess Dala. My guests have gone.

l thought perhaps you would come back.

- l would feel better if we are friends.

- l would, too. And l'd love to come.

- But my leg is rather painful.

- l'm sorry. Another time.

Why don't you come up here?

My leg is only bad if l walk too much,

and l thought maybe you could do

the walking and l could do the drinking.

Unless, of course, you think it would

be indiscreet to come to a man's room.

l'll be there in five minutes.

Goodbye, Sir Charles.

Goodbye.

(romantic music on record player)

- Jacques?

- Yes, dear?

l don't know what's wrong.

l'm just a bundle of nerves.

Don't worry. We've solved

that problem before.

You don't mean... l don't think you should.

Don't worry, my darling.

l shall do it ever so softly.

- Jacques, are you sure?

- Of course. lt's always worked before.

There's no reason why it should not work

now. Relax and leave everything to me.

(tuneless scraping on violin)

Jacques?

- Yes, my darling?

- l really don't think it's such a good idea.

- You mean that it's not helping?

- l'm afraid not.

l think l'll just take a sleeping pill.

Very well. l'll get it for you.

And why don't you take one yourself?

You need the rest, you know.

Yes. l think perhaps l will do.

(pills spill on floor)

(pills crunching underfoot)

Here, my darling.

- Thank you, my angel.

- Thank you, my angel.

(steps on violin)

My poor Jacques.

No matter. When you've seen one

Stradivarius, you've seen them all.

(knock at door)

Ma'am.

l hadn't realised it was so late.

Come in, sit down, relax.

Have a nice glass of champagne.

- l told you, l don't drink.

- Champagne's not drinking.

lt's the minimum of alcohol

and the maximum of companionship.

- lt's still against my principles.

- l thought it might break the ice.

- You took me to task properly.

- No, thank you.

l thought your analysis

was very perceptive.

- But not very polite.

- No, it wasn't. What made you do it?

l resented you. l find it hard to

understand a man of your reputation.

We both have reputations.

Perhaps mine is a little more publicised,

but you have presented

the press with a definite image.

- Yes, l know.

- Well, are you?

- What?

- What they call you? The Virgin Queen?

- l'm not a queen.

- (chuckles) That's only half an answer.

The strong-willed ruler,

sitting in her ivory tower,

untouched, unwed and unapproachable?

lf you had known my father,

you would understand me.

He was an absolute ruler.

He governed his people with an iron hand.

But he gave me a white pony

for my fifth birthday.

He was wrong about many things,

but he made his decisions according

to the ways of his predecessors.

l learned the way of the West, so

l've become a little of both, a paradox.

And it is hard to reconcile the extremes.

Have a glass of champagne.

Does wonders for extremes.

lt's been known to launch

some lasting friendships.

- Don't you trust me?

- No.

- Are you afraid?

- No.

Lechaim.

l was three years old

when l rode my first elephant.

l was six when l went on

my first... safrari.

Frasari.

Wild-animal hunt.

And l was ten when

l bagged my first tiger.

But l'll never forget my lovely little pony.

- When'd you bag him?

- Hm?

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