The Pirates! Band of Misfits Page #2

Or my left.

Right, lads.

Minor hiccup, that last one.

This time,

it's payday!

I'm the Pirate Captain,

and I'm here for your gold.

Geography field trip.

I'm the Pirate Captain, and...

Naturists.

Pirate Captain.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold.

Ghost ship.

Sorry.

Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir.

That's nice.

Do you want to give the order to attack?

No, not really, Number Two.

No, I think I've...

Think I had enough of piracy.

I'm hanging up my cutlass.

Captain, no!

Yeah, I was thinking

I might go into baby clothes, actually.

What?

I hear there's a fortune to be made

in baby clothes because

babies grow so fast.

No, but you can't. I mean, the crew...

They'd... They'd be lost without you.

What was I thinking, Number Two?

Pirate of the Year?

Me?

Look at the trophy cabinet.

Best Anecdote About a Squid.

I mean, that is all I've got to show

for my entire career.

Pirate of the Year?

It's just commercialized nonsense.

Real piracy isn't about trophies.

It's about fighting up staircases backwards.

It's about sliding down sails

with a knife in your teeth.

Beard glossiness!

And think about

all the adventures we've had.

Our adventure with Aztecs.

Our adventure with that pig.

Our adventure with...

Okay, maybe not the librarians.

But the fun we've had.

And what about the shanties?

Well, I mean...

People would miss my shanties.

And the running people through.

Well, I...

I do enjoy running people through.

Enjoy it? You're brilliant at it!

You're a brine-soaked terror

of the high seas!

Do you think so, Number Two?

Everyone does!

You're more of a pirate

than Black Bellamy or any of them.

You're a real pirate.

That's why the crew,

they think you're the best thing

since boil-in-the-bag ham.

Why do you think they all

got that tattoo? Come on.

What do you say?

Arrr!

By Neptune, where's that ship?

This is the one, lads!

Ninth time lucky! I can feel it in my beard!

Well, don't just sit there like lemons!

Hoist the flag!

Standard, sir?

Or extra gruesome?

Extra gruesome!

Let's make their gizzards shake.

Journal of Charles Darwin.

Day 93 aboard the Beagle.

I have, today,

discovered a new kind of barnacle,

which I have categorized

in the order of Pygophora.

I'll never get a girlfriend. lam so unhappy.

And now I'm being attacked by pirates.

Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain,

and I'm here for your gold.

I haven't got any gold.

No gold, eh?

Then what, might I ask, is this?

It's a baboon's kidney.

Is it?

And what about this?

It's another baboon's kidney.

We searched the hold, Captain.

And?

Just creatures.

Bits of creatures in jars.

And an unhappy-looking baboon.

What kind of ship is this?

We're a...

Well, we were a scientific expedition.

Charles Darwin, at your service, sir.

For pity's sake!

Is it so much to ask? Is it?

I just want one tiny bit of success!

One teensy weensy bit

of respect from my peers

just once in my life!

Is that such a crime?

Is it?

- No?

- No!

No.

But you try telling that to the universe.

Just once, just once for things to go right.

Just... Just once.

So, are we done here?

Dear Diary,

about to meet a watery grave.

It's nothing personal, you understand.

It's just... It's been a tough week,

and a good plank walk

usually cheers him up.

Will die without reaching second base

with a lady.

Get on with it!

Today's weather:

inclement.

- Stop!

- Now what?

Last request, is it?

Do we have to grant those?

Is there some sort of

human rights convention we're signed up to?

- But that bird!

- My parrot?

She's just big-boned!

No, she's not.

I mean... I mean, she's not a parrot.

Not a parrot?

What's he on about, old girl?

She's... She's...

She's the scientific discovery of our age!

She's a...

Sorry. It's just,

that's my favorite bit.

A dodo, you say?

They've been extinct for 150 years.

To find one alive today,

it's quite incredible.

Well, clever old girl. Not going extinct.

If I might be so bold, I would be prepared

to pay you 10 pounds for your Polly.

Polly's not for sale.

Ten pound.

She's one of the family.

She's like an auntie.

With a beak.

Yeah, I'm afraid they're right, Charles.

Polly here is the feathery

heart and soul of the boat.

Come on, little dodo.

It's such a missed opportunity.

If I could've presented her

in London to the Royal Society

at their annual science show...

No question of that, I'm afraid.

- She'd have been an absolute sensation.

- Yeah, well, can't be helped.

And of course a shoo-in for the top prize.

Prize?

For best scientific discovery. Yes.

This prize,

- valuable, is it?

- Valuable?

It's priceless.

Untold riches.

- Captain...

- No, no, no, no.

I was thinking, perhaps,

perhaps I was being a touch hasty.

But, Captain, London?

The home of Queen Victoria,

mortal enemy of pirates everywhere?

We'll end up hanged at Execution Dock.

We laugh in the face of danger, remember?

- I don't.

- I don't really like danger at all.

Captain, do you remember

the little talk we had?

The one about whether pigs

are actually a type of fruit?

No.

No.

The one about us trying

to avoid harebrained schemes

that end in us facing certain death.

You heard the man, Number Two.

"Untold riches. "

Here's the plan.

We go to London,

Polly wins this science show thingy,

we take the prize money,

I enter Pirate of the Year, I win!

Bingo!

- But, Captain, I'm not sure...

- It can't fail.

And besides, look at her little face.

I sure want to win that science prize.

Squawk!

Bravo, Captain!

I see you're a man of vision!

Right, then, Charles.

When is this science show of yours?

A week tomorrow.

Confound it!

You see, we could've

made that with a good wind behind us,

but unfortunately there's this dirty

great sea monster in the way.

I think they just add those onto maps

for decoration, Captain.

Is that a fact?

Well, blow me down.

I dare, you could learn something

from this fine fellow, Number Two.

London Town.

The most romantic city in the world.

"Queen Victoria

"welcomes you to London. "

That's nice.

Perhaps she's not so bad after all.

Well, don't look so worried, Number Two.

Pirates are always visiting London.

Turn back!

This is the fate of pirates here!

Is that Scarlett Morgan?

Pirate Captain.

Goodness me!

I haven't seen you

since that business in Madagascar.

Yes. I could've sworn they were girls.

You're looking well, Morgan.

Yeah, lost a bit of weight.

What are you up to these days?

You know, this and that.

Yeah, just gonna enter

a science competition, actually.

- Good luck with that.

- Yeah, thanks, thanks.

No, no, wait, wait!

Turn back!

Turn back.

- Sorry.

- No!

Look what you've done to me boat.

Look at the state of it.

I hope you've got some

insurance, 'cause I...

Right, then. We'll be off.

I'll bring her back tomorrow

straight after the show.

Well, don't be daft, Charles.

I'll be presenting Polly.

- You?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always fancied

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