The Pirates! Band of Misfits Page #3

trying my hand at a spot of science.

But you can't. I mean,

the streets of London

are no place for pirates.

Pirates? What pirates?

Nobody here but us Girl Guides.

Yes!

I've got a badge for looting.

We're not really Girl Guides.

It's us, the pirates.

We're masters of disguise.

How ingenious.

But all the same, Captain,

best we lie low for the night.

Perhaps at my house.

- Captain, I really think...

- Good plan, Chuck.

Be fun to see how you boffin types live.

Well, come on. Taxi!

Evening, Officer.

Hidey-ho, ladies.

London smells like Grandma.

Whoa.

Here we are.

Home, sweet home.

You don't get many women back here,

do you, Charles?

People who live alone

are always serial killers.

Sweet Neptune on a bike!

Don't mind Mr. Bobo.

- Just an old project of mine.

- Project?

Yeah, I had this theory.

I thought that if you took a monkey,

gave him a monocle

and covered up his gigantic, unsightly ass,

then he would cease

to be a monkey and become more of a...

A man-panzee, if you will.

Bold theory.

I don't like the monkey.

But to be honest, monkeys are 10 a penny.

He's not a patch on Polly here.

Anyhow, big day tomorrow.

We all need our rest.

Let me show you to your room, Captain.

Right behind you, Chuck.

Now, here's the plan.

You know what to do.

Wait until the bearded idiot is asleep,

then sneak into his room and...

Captain.

It's... It's Mr. Darwin, sir.

I'm sure he's up to no good.

Honestly, Number Two, what's got into you?

Thanks to Charles,

we're about to win lavish untold riches,

and here you are

trying to find fault with the poor fellow.

- Yes, but...

- No, no, no. Not another word.

A future Pirate of the Year

needs his beauty sleep.

Do you think you could

make nautical noises until we drop off?

That's lovely. Now, that is lovely.

Can you do the shiver a timber?

And just chuck in a few gulls, would you?

Ladies and gentlemen, our winner.

Give it up for the Pirate Captain!

Congratulations, Pirate Captain.

Nobody deserves this more than you.

Thanks, Cutlass.

And that beard of yours,

it drives me

crazy.

Give it here.

Give it back, Bellamy, it's mine!

No, give it back.

Neptune's navel!

Come back here, you lubber.

Stop, thief!

I'll take that.

Not so fast, my friend.

Number Two!

Number Two, are you all right?

Unhand that dodo!

Evening, Captain.

Number Two!

We're under attack!

Abandon ship!

Hello, Pirate Captain, Pirate with a Scarf!

Come back here,

Mysterious Shadowy Figure!

Faster! Faster!

Got you! Are you all right, girl?

Captain! I mean, what's going on?

Don't play the innocent.

You and your hench-monkey

tried to steal Polly.

Steal Polly? Dear me, no, you're mistaken.

Then how do you explain this?

Well, I think it's obvious

what's happened, isn't it?

Is it?

Some jealous rival scientist

must have tried to make off with the dodo.

Well, that explains everything.

Captain, please, let's go.

Polly's not safe in London.

I couldn't bear it

if something happened to Polly.

Nothing is going to happen to Polly.

She'll be perfectly safe.

Leave everything to me.

Now, come on,

we can't keep that prize waiting.

Anyone got a towel?

Nice going, banana butt.

Now this briny buffoon

is gonna grab all the glory.

It's a disaster.

It's...

Bad news, I'm afraid, Captain.

You can't go in.

It's strictly scientists only, you see.

I'll just have to present Polly

myself.

We're not really scientists.

It's us, the pirates.

See? Masters of disguise.

But where's Polly?

That is on a need-to-know basis

from here on in, Charles.

- Pardon?

- I am keeping her hidden.

That shadowy figure could be anywhere.

Luckily, I am not only

a master of disguises,

I am also a master of hiding things.

Right, lads,

let's show these boffins what's what.

But, Captain.

- Really, I...

- Hello!

We're here for the science show.

We're scientists.

That's a pipette, this is Charles Darwin,

and I am the Scientist Captain.

If you're a scientist, name three elements.

Well, let's see now.

There's... There's gold, ham...

...and

the tears of a mermaid.

Yeah, two out of three. Close enough

First on your left.

The balloon of my airship contains

-20,000 cubic feet of hydrogen gas.

- Excuse me.

Sorry.

Just here, you will notice the open log fire

to ensure a comfortable

temperature at higher altitudes.

Captain?

Captain, Captain, please.

You can't possibly

appear on stage without Polly.

Patience, Charles. All in good time.

Excuse me. Sorry.

- Sorry.

- Idiot!

- Just a tick.

- But, Captain...

How on earth did...

My airship will revolutionize

the fields of meteorology and cartography.

But mostly,

it's for looking down ladies' tops.

Ingenious.

Captain, I really, really think

it would be best if I take over from here.

There's a certain manner

in which these things are conduc...

Nonsense, Chuck.

What this science stuff needs

is a bit of showmanship!

Look, it's the captain.

Captain! Captain!

Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks,

prepare to be confounded.

Prepare to be amazed.

Prepare to...

Wait a second. What's this?

What's this?

Stop!

I am the world's leading doctor,

and I declare the science you are doing

is too shocking by half.

Dr. Albino,

are you saying that those of a nervous

disposition should leave immediately,

in case the sheer unexpected

remarkableness of my discovery

should cause their hearts to explode?

I am.

Well, science lovers, you have been warned.

This is our most educational adventure ever.

Back from the dead.

Back from beyond the grave.

Back to astound you all.

The ninth wonder of the world.

She's traveled halfway

across the globe to be here tonight.

Here's Polly!

It's a dodo.

By Jove.

That is astounding!

An actual dodo!

Makes electricity look like a pile of crap.

The Royal Society's prize

for best scientific discovery...

I hope it's not a check.

...Is awarded to...

Have you any idea

what the sterling-doubloon

exchange rate is these days?

...the Scientist Captain.

Thank you, thank you.

You're too kind.

Please stop. Enough. Thank you.

Thank you.

Is that it?

Oh, no.

- Good.

- You also get

this leather-bound set of encyclopedias.

Excuse me just one moment. Thank you.

Okay, Chuck.

Now, I like encyclopedias

as much as the next man,

but they're not exactly gonna help me win

Pirate of the Year, are they?

Where's the booty?

Booty? What booty?

The prize! The "untold riches," remember?

Perhaps I didn't explain.

It's not all about money.

No, the real prize is...

Her Royal Majesty, the Empress of India,

Ruler of the Kingdom of Java...

- ... a personal audience with...

- ... Defender of the Faith,

- Queen Victoria!

- Queen Victoria

herself.

Scientist Captain,

congratulations.

What a tremendous discovery.

Your... Your Majesty.

And who are these charming fellows?

- Well, this is my crew.

- By which he means lab assistant crew.

Yes, yes.

I'm using "crew" in the street sense.

Yo.

And I'm Charles Darwin, Your Majesty.

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