The Pirates! Band of Misfits Page #4

I helped find the dodo.

Yes, whatever.

But where has your

delightful creature disappeared to?

Resting, ma'am. Hidden away.

I only let her out

for the big performance, I'm afraid.

In case sinister forces

should try to make off with her, you see.

Sinister forces?

Dear.

Well, we have a wonderful

petting zoo at the palace

where Polly would be quite safe.

Perhaps we could

take her off your hands.

I'm sorry, ma'am,

but that's out of the question.

But she'd have a lovely time.

There are guinea pigs and a donkey.

No, no, I couldn't, ma'am.

Not even for little old me?

No, no, no, I'm afraid not, ma'am.

No, you see,

there is nothing more important to a pirate

than his trusted dodo.

She is the feathery

heart and soul of the boat.

Did you say...

..."pirate"?

Pirate? No, no, no, no, no.

Scientist.

Yes, good old, good old science.

Can't get enough of it.

Mixing stuff together.

You know, test tube tubing

and Bunsen burning.

See?

He's no scientist!

He's a Girl Guide!

He's no Girl Guide!

- He's a pirate!

- Pirate!

Hang on, hang on.

There's been some kind of mistake. Some...

Some silly mistake. 'Whoa, laddies!

Stop, stop. I can explain.

Your Majesty.

He's hidden the dodo.

If you chop his head off now,

we might never find out where.

Wait a mo.

One doesn't know why.

Perhaps it's his luxuriant beard

or his gleaming teeth

or the way he smells faintly of coconuts.

But we have taken a shine to this pirate.

Do you have a name, pirate captain?

They call me the Pirate Captain.

Well, Pirate Captain,

we hereby pardon you

of your piratical crimes.

You will stay in London, Pirate Captain,

and entertain us

with your stories and your wit.

And especially

your dear little dodo.

Hell's barnacles.

Can we please get out of here now?

That was a bit close for comfort,

Number Two.

I will get you the dodo, Your Majesty.

See that you do, Mr. Darwin.

Captain?

Captain! Captain!

Hurry up, lads, chop-chop.

Let's get back to sea where we belong.

Ave, aye, Captain!

I told you coming to London was a bad idea.

The sooner I get the smell of brine in my...

Captain!

Captain!

Whoa!

You're not leaving, surely?

I most certainly am.

You've let me down badly, Charles.

Look! Look!

- Also, to be frank...

- Captain...

...your nose is too small for your face.

But you're the toast of London Town.

I say, look at that.

They've really captured my eyes.

We were hoping

you might come out for a little

celebration before you go.

We don't want to miss the tide, Captain.

- No, no, no. Quite right, quite right.

- Captain,

do join us, please?

I'll just stop for a quick one.

Rude to refuse.

- But it's Ham Night.

- I'll be 20 minutes.

Half an hour tops.

Just get her...

Get her warmed up without me.

Aren't we going yet?

But what about winning

the Pirate of the Year

and showing all those other captains

that he's not a loser?

You-hoo! Come along, Captain.

Captain...

- Cheers!

- Good evening.

Thank you. Thank you so very much.

- Captain...

- And your name is?

Miss Jane Austen.

And that, and that is why,

in a straight fight,

a shark would probably beat a Dracula.

Jane Austen,

feel free to use it in one of your books.

Pirate Captain, you are a born raconteur.

So much better than the last chap

we all went doolally over.

You've all been terribly kind.

Do run along.

Another drink, Captain?

Cheers, Chuck.

I say, you're not

- related in some way, are you?

- Pardon?

It's just you, sort of...

Well, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Cheers.

Do you know what I've discovered, Charles?

The friends you make

after you've become famous

are better, truer friends

than the ones you've had

for years beforehand.

So very wise.

But the lads will think I'm a fool.

No. A fool, you?

You're an intellectual giant.

Just look at how

you managed to keep Polly safe

from those sinister forces.

Yes, I did do that, didn't I?

You did.

And wherever she's hidden,

I bet it's somewhere really ingenious.

It is rather.

You'll never guess where.

Well, no, why,

you're too smart for me, Captain.

Right under everyone's noses.

Or right under my noses, anyhow.

Ta-d a!

You've been keeping Polly in your beard?

Actually, I keep all sorts in here.

I'm sorry about this, Captain.

About what?

What the...

What's the monkey-man playing at?

This patently isn't even a real...

Come back here, you lubbers!

Sorry, Your Reverence.

Got you, you rogue!

Yeah, that's rather nice.

Neptune's lips, what are you up to?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's not my fault.

What do you mean "not your fault"?

You steal Polly,

you shoot my best hat full of holes.

Well, go on, then.

Explain yourself.

There's this girl.

I'm hopelessly smitten with her.

I'm listening.

I know how partial she is to exotic animals,

and I thought if I could get her the do-do,

then she might like me.

I'm so ashamed.

Why didn't you say so?

We've all done stupid

things to impress girls.

Yeah, you should act aloof.

They love it when you act aloof.

Still, must be quite a girl

for you to go to all that trouble.

She is quite a girl.

Kraken's biscuits!

Mr. Darwin.

Honestly, Charles.

It's the bun. The bun really does it for me.

And I see you've brought a friend.

How delightful.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

Oh, get a grip, man. You couldn't

manage one tiny task, could you?

It's pathetic.

Listen, Captain, I can see

I've gone about this all wrong.

You see, I might have the body

of a weak and feeble woman,

but I have the heart and soul of a person

who really, really wants that dodo.

I seem to recall that you piratical types

have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things.

Or am I getting you

muddled up with magpies?

I couldn't.

I mean, Polly, she's a family...

Come now, Captain, it's so simple.

Polly here could live like

a queen at my petting zoo,

and you... Well...

With treasure like this,

you could be famed across the seven seas.

Captain.

Polly's not for sale.

You? Win Pirate of the Year?

You're a shoo-in, sir.

There's not a pirate

on the seven seas can match you.

But what about winning Pirate of the Year

and showing all those other captains

that you're not a loser?

Loser... Loser...

I'm a floating head.

So, Captain.

Are you going to do the right thing?

I'm sailing out on the ocean

Out on the deep blue sea

Didn't he say 20 minutes?

Don't worry, lads.

He probably just got caught up,

you know,

battling a giant squid or something.

'Well, come on, you lubbers!

It's him!

I told you!

I... I told you he wouldn't let us down.

Hello, boys.

Miss me?

I'm having a mirage.

But... How?

Good question, Number Two.

I stole it all in a daring raid

on the Tower of London.

You stole all this from the Tower of London?

That's right.

Then I burnt it to the ground,

wrestled a bear,

and I kissed a princess for good measure.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Don't just stand there like porpoises.

There's a trophy with our names on it!

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