The Pirates! Band of Misfits Page #5

Set a course for Blood Island!

Avast, me hearties!

And welcome to the

This is the ticket, eh, Number Two?

Please, please, please,

can't Polly come out now?

Best not.

She's still very tired.

- And here is your host for the evening...

- Shush.

The Pirate King!

Hello, Pirates!

Hello, Pirate King!

Any lubbers in tonight?

No!

Behind you!

I'm Queen Victoria!

And I hate pirates!

Come on, cheer up.

And now, you swabs,

this is the big one.

The nominees for Pirate

of the Year are as follows:

Black Bellamy.

Cutlass Liz.

Peg-Leg Hastings.

And a surprise late entry,

the Pirate Captain!

The panel of independent judges

have counted each

pirate's booty and declared

that this year's winner is

the Pirate Captain!

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Listen, this is all very moving.

I'm welling up here, but...

Bellamy, this is most irregular!

So is this!

It seems Queen Victoria has

pardoned the Pirate Captain.

No!

So what if she did?

If you've been pardoned

then, technically,

you're no longer a pirate.

And if you're no longer a pirate,

you really can't be Pirate of the Year,

now, can you?

- No, you can't!

- That's right!

Is this true?

Well, that's one, frankly,

rather negative way of looking at it.

Villainous treachery!

Treacherous villainy!

You have betrayed the pirating fraternity.

But, Pirate King...

Your pirate hat and coat!

Your pirate badge with googly eyes.

And your World of Hooks discount card.

Confiscate his treasure!

Every last bit of it.

Begone!

May your lubber shame bear down upon you.

You are hereby banished from Blood Island!

You are a pirate no more!

And stay out!

Yes, well, not a... Not a total success.

We don't need them and their stupid awards.

The best thing about being

a pirate isn't the treasure.

- It's the cutlasses.

- It's Ham Night.

It's Polly.

Where is Polly, Captain?

What do you mean? You know where she is.

She's been upset enough.

Captain...

Okay, Okay.

I sold her to Queen Victoria

for a boatload of treasure.

There, I've said it.

Well, come on. She was just a parrot.

I mean, she wasn't even a parrot.

Always weeing on the boat's carpets,

biting everyone.

She gave half of us tetanus,

for goodness sake.

But she was our Polly.

Well, you know, you should be happy for her.

She'll be, she'll be living the high life.

Eating gold bricks wrapped up in,

you know, swans.

Well, where are you swabs going? Come on.

Well, we'll have an adventure

somewhere tropical with those native ladies

whose outfits

don't leave much to the imagination.

Looks like it's

just you and me now, eh, Number Two?

Good old inseparable you and me.

Us two against the world, eh?

Yeah?

Like serrano ham and,

you know, that other kind of ham.

Arrr.

You can't always

just say "arrr" at the end of a sentence

and think that makes everything all right.

Fine. Fine, go on, then. Go.

Go!

It's not like I need any of you, anyway.

See if I care.

See if I care.

You're too late.

She's gone.

Charles?

Is that you?

What are you doing here?

We're tramps now.

It's not unlike being a scientist, but...

...with less experiments

and more drinking your own sweat.

But where's Polly?

Why isn't she in her cage?

It's too horrible.

"Banquet for world leaders"?

I've been a fool for love.

Victoria never wanted

Polly for her petting zoo.

"Terrine of Tiger, Black Rhino Ragout,

"Panda Face Fritters"?

I've discovered the Queen

is a member of a terrible secret

dining society.

Kings, queens, emperors from

around the world,

they meet on her flagship, the QV1,

to eat the rarest and most

endangered creatures they can find.

This year, the highlight is...

"Dodo a I'Orange"?

She's going to eat Polly?

It's all my fault.

I'm an awful human being.

I'll never get a girlfriend.

Now pull yourself together, man.

Now listen, Charles,

we've all done something unforgivable.

I've betrayed my pirate honor,

you've betrayed science,

and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom.

- We've got to rescue her.

- Us?

Against the crowned heads

of the world on an impregnable warship?

It's impossible odds!

It's only impossible

if you stop to think about it.

Come on, we didn't evolve from slugs

just to sit here

drinking our own sweat, now, did we?

Are you with us, Mr. Bobo?

Oh, I say.

Well, pah!

We can do without the monkey-man.

Sorry, what was that about slugs?

No time for that now. Come on.

Prepare to be boarded, nerds.

It's true! You can see down ladies' tops.

Keep pedaling, Charles.

Help!

Neptune's nostrils. Not a thing.

Where the devil can she be?

Captain?

Pedal faster, Chuck!

But how on earth do we get on board?

This might sting a bit.

I really don't...

Catch hold of something!

Good man.

How do you like my pygmy

elephant nuggets, Your Majesty?

They're good, but not quite

rare enough for my tastes.

Not rare enough?

Only three have been seen

in the last 50 years.

As many as three?

Well, well.

Just wait until you see what

I've got for the main course.

Gaston?

Gaston?

Are you there?

Oui, Your Majesty.

Gaston, I think

- we're ready.

- Neptune's teeth.

There's not a moment to lose.

We've got to find that kitchen.

But it's hopeless.

Where do we even start to...

So that's why I reckon,

in a straight fight, a shark

- would probably beat a Dracula.

- No!

Course, a Frankenstein versus a jellyfish,

well, that's a different matter.

All clear, Chuck.

Chuck?

It's all right, Charles, I'm coming!

- Don't worry, I'll just...

- Charles?

Just... Just hang on!

Charles?

Poseidon's lips!

Are you all right, Charles?

Hey, you there!

What are you doing here?

Well, now. Excellent question.

All exotic animals should have been

delivered to the chef by now.

- What?

- What is it?

Some sort of duck?

Yes, yes. That's it, yes.

Quack, quack.

Hurry up, then. Kitchen's that way.

Yeah, come away! Go on.

Quack, quack.

Here we go, my Pretty-

It's time to be...

...dlicieux!

Mon dieu!

Polly, come to Daddy.

I'm sorry, old girl.

I will never, ever leave you again.

I promise.

I will never leave you.

Perhaps we'd best make a move.

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Back to the balloon.

Gaston?

Gaston?

Hello?

Captain. No.

Hello, Your Majesty.

The dodo is coming out de suite.

- This really isn't wise.

- Claudette est dans la bibliotheque.

Please, I think we...

But you know, Your Majesty,

you cannot hurry the cooking.

Is a very delicate recipe, uh?

And the dodo is a very fattening dish.

Perhaps is not so good for you.

And, you know, the calories,

they will go straight to your chubby thighs.

- Captain.

- A minute on the lips

is a lifetime on the...

Zut alors!

Well, well.

Pirate Captain.

Here you are again. And...

Oh. my-

Is that Mr. Darwin behind those feathers?

Hello.

What a delightfully unexpected surprise.

You know, I think, secretly...

...I've always loved you, Charles.

Gosh.

Really?

No!

Give me my dodo!

Now, come on, Vickie, be sensible.

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