The Pirates of Somalia

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1

- There's a time when the

operation of the machine

becomes so odious,

makes you so sick at heart

that you can't take part.

You can't even

passively take part,

and you've got to put

your bodies upon the gears

and upon the wheels,

upon the levers,

upon all the apparatus,

and you've got to make it stop!

- First, let me start by

saying Mario Savio's

"Operation of the Machine"

is one of my favorite

speeches of all time.

Mario wasn't a politician

or some famous Hollywood star.

He was just a student

who was for civil rights.

He stood on a car at Berkley

and screamed whatever

came into his head.

He didn't care that he had

a stuttering problem

or that he might get thrown

out of school, which he did.

He just wanted

his voice to be heard

and be unencumbered

by the machine.

As an investigative

writer that has yet

to be officially published,

I can relate to Mario's desire.

[scanning radio stations]

That's me behind the wheel,

Jay Bahadur, proud college

graduate of the class of 2007,

arguably the worst year

since the Great Depression

to graduate school,

but timing was

never my strength.

In fact, good timing seems to be

at odds with my very existence,

but like many

unpleasantries in life,

you just learn to deal with it.

- Afternoon, shoppers--

- Yo.

Hey, man. Is Mark Reiss here?

- Reissy? Oh, he left.

- Sh*t, really?

- Yeah.

- Damn it,

he was supposed to be here.

- It's kind of lousy out,

if you didn't notice.

He left early. Are you

interviewing for stock boy or--

- Me? No.

My name is Jay Bahadur.

I'm doing market research

on premium napkins.

Mind if I ask you

a few questions?

- Your name isn't even on here.

- I assure you, I am legit.

- You drove all the way

from Toronto

to ask questions about napkins?

- Premium napkins.

- Thought my job sucked.

- Could you show your

paper product aisle?

- But I'm just kind of busy.

- Is there a reason why the six

--reason why the six pack

This thing does

not like me.

[tape rewinding]

Is there a reason why

the six pack paisley napkins

are here and not here?

It's not a trick question.

- I--I think because it was just

easier putting them on the floor

than on the top shelf.

- And would making our packaging

more festive make you consider

moving the premium napkins

to the top shelf?

You're probably thinking

that a person

with my intellectual capacity

would loathe waiting for

that gentleman's answer

to my question.

But actually,

I feel quite the contrary.

- I would just leave them

on the bottom shelf, man.

It's less work.

- Less work.

Understanding what drives a mind

to react the way

it does to things

never ceases to amaze me.

My careful documentation of this

one man's opinion could,

in its own way,

reshape the patterns of napkins

on every home on this street,

including that one,

my ex-high school girlfriend,

Tracy Zicconi's house.

The darkened second-floor

window just a reminder

that she now resides

1,825 miles away at Stanford.

And I know it's

1,825 miles away

because I have an obsession

with Google Maps,

not with my ex-high

school girlfriend.

[horn blaring]

I was raised as a non-practicing

Hindu-Christian

half-Indian living

at this address.

This is the home of Kailash

and Maria Bahadur.

My well-laid-out graduation plan

was only to visit my former

residence on festive holidays

such as Canadian

Thanksgiving and Christmas,

perhaps offering my skills at

turkey basting or tree trimming,

but this was 2008.

Plans evaporated.

Upon my graduation from the

esteemed University of Toronto,

my parents had decided

to give me my own mailbox.

They saw it as a way in which

to somehow legitimize

my residence in their basement.

The funny thing was

that the mailman

refused to deliver

my mail there,

so Mom would sort the mail

and deliver it herself

after each delivery.

"Dear Mr. Bahadur,

the editorial staff

"at 'Vanity Fair' has reviewed

your story submission,

"and we unfortunately do not

feel

"it's something we would like

our magazine

"to pursue at this time.

We wish you the best of luck

at other publications--"

Blah f***ing blah.

Why do all rejection letters

have the word "unfortunately"

in the first sentence?

Surely there is a more original

adverb to toss in there.

I vow that I will never

write for a publication

that uses the word

"unfortunately"

in their first sentence.

I am better than that.

Come on.

Jared? Jared?

Jared.

Is that my Red Bull?

- No.

- Look at me.

- Mom says you got to shovel

the snow in the driveway

so Dad can get in.

- Me?

- Mm-hmm.

- You're not doing anything.

- Doing homework.

- Uh, where's mom?

- The elusive pink

fairy armadillo

has been known to--

- Mom? Mom?

- Yeah?

- Why do I have to

shovel the driveway?

- Your father and I

discussed this with you, Jay,

about ways for you

to contribute rent, remember?

And I'm so sorry about

your rejection letter.

Ahh!

- Yo!

- Ahh!

Are you, like, earning some

extra allowance or something?

- I'm starting to wonder why

I didn't commit teen suicide

when I could.

- Amen.

Yo, bro, you want to, like,

hit Parrots with us?

- Can't. I got to submit

my research numbers.

They got to be

in Chicago by tomorrow.

- Then fake it.

- I can't, man.

They figure out all sorts

of stuff based off my results.

- Like what?

- Like what holiday paisleys

are popular and stuff.

- Okay, bro, you lost me.

- Journalistic integrity,

it's gonna be worth

something on the resume

when I apply to Harvard's

journalism school.

- [laughs] Right, right.

- Hey, I got an idea for a story

I'm gonna submit.

It came to me when I was

listening to CBC Radio today.

- What's--what's the angle?

- The end of the comedic

dictator.

Kim Jong is on his death bed,

and once he goes,

where's the dictator

comedy gonna come from?

- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

He's funny and very alive.

- He's not funny.

- He's a little funny.

- He's a little funny, but no

one can pronounce his name.

- Your story is flawed, bro.

- You guys want to hear

something f***ed up?

Tracy's getting engaged.

- Where did you hear that sh*t?

- Mm, Kate.

She said she saw

it posted on Facebook.

She's gonna marry her

Lit professor.

- No way. Tracy is repulsed

by older men.

- You were older.

- Two years is not older, man!

- It's a little bit older.

- F*** you, Crowe.

- Hey, are you sure you don't

want to hit Parrots with us?

- No, dude, I got to--

- Do some sh*t nobody

gives a f*** about?

- Exactly.

- All right, well,

that is your loss,

but if you change your mind,

please hit us up.

- You got it. Later, dudes.

- See you, buddy.

- See you.

- F***ing moron.

- What?

- Ahh! Ahh!

- Name's Bahadur, here

to see Dr. Fleshman

about my back.

- Have you ever been here

before?

- No.

- All right, you'll just need

to fill out these forms.

- Right.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I just hurt my back,

figured I'd get a jump

on being a senior citizen.

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