The Pirates of Somalia Page #2

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[grunts]

- So, you busting on grey hairs?

To make a move on Kaitlyn, eh?

- Excuse me?

- That's all right,

I understand.

I'd take down all of humanity

just to bang her.

- Seymour.

- Ooh. I was just talking.

I'm trying to keep it

a level playing field.

- Yeah, leave him alone.

- You know what I'm saying.

Sorry. What happened

to your back?

- Sh-shoveling.

- Shoveling?

- Yeah.

- I got, uh, shrapnel moving

around the vertebrae.

It's a b*tch.

- Well, sounds like I got the

better end of the deal in here.

- Oh, bullshit.

Shoveling? I hate shoveling.

Pointless waste of time, no?

Name's Seymour Tolbin.

- Ah.

- Oh, oh, sorry.

- Wait, Seymour Tolbin?

- Yeah.

- The--who writes for

"The Daily Mail?"

- Wrote.

I'm retired, sort of.

But that's right. That's me.

- Holy f***.

You are one of my favorite

journalists of all time.

- Come on. You Facebook people

have favorite journalists?

- You were one of the

first reporters who had the guts

to report the Battle of

Ong Thanh as a loss.

- That's--

so you're a journalist?

- No. Well, I mean, yeah,

I want to be,

but I can't--I just--you know,

I haven't taken a--

I never took a class,

but I'm seriously--I'm thinking

about going back

to get a degree.

Harvard is the--is the goal.

- Oh, how can you say

something stupid like that?

- What--

- Why do you think journalism

is a pile of "People" magazine,

"She got cellulite on her

Dumpster" crap right now?

Journalism isn't taught.

It's innate.

You know what I'm saying?

You think the shrapnel

in my back landed there

because I was using my head?

No way.

- So what are you saying?

- I'm saying f*** Harvard,

is what I'm saying.

F*** Harvard.

You want to make it as some big

swinging dick journalist?

You got to go somewhere

f***ing crazy.

- Somewhere where Western

reporters would consider

it too dangerous to go,

like, write as a stringer

from there, get a book going.

It's the only way out.

- Yeah, that makes sense, man.

That makes sense.

Where you thinking of going?

- Somalia.

Hmm?

- Like, I--I bought a--

an umbrella from a Somali once.

- What does that mean?

- That means where's

the f***ing conflict,

besides the fact that they

machete reporters to death?

- In Somalia the seeds

of democracy

are growing amidst anarchy.

I did a paper on it

my freshman year.

- So?

- So it's a misunderstood

place.

- Bro, democracy is not topical,

all right?

No--nobody wants

to understand Somalia.

- Did you know in Somaliland

they held an election

where the minority clan won the

presidential office by 80 votes,

and there was no violence?

The transition of power

was peaceful.

- It was peaceful because nobody

bothered reporting on it.

You need to listen to me.

You want conflict?

You want to tell the story

from both sides?

Go to Sudan.

There's your ticket,

not Somalia.

- I don't know, man. I got

a good grade on that paper.

Somalia and me are copacetic.

Is a Mr. Trey Williamson here?

- Just left.

- Sh*t, really?

My name is, uh, Jay Bahadur.

I'm here to conduct

a marketing research--

- Who's the guy eating Doritos

on my aisle?

- That's my associate,

Mr. Felcher.

- I have to clean that sh*t up.

- I'm so sorry, man.

- Would you please--

- Continue maestro.

- Refrain from eating

in this poor man's aisle?

And just start to pick that up.

- I got it.

- Thank you.

- I got it.

- And where is your, uh,

napkin aisle?

- Aisle seven.

- Seven.

- Hey, uh, Jay?

I think you should

check this sh*t out.

- I thought we agreed

you would be silent, bro.

- No, bro, I really think

you should check this out.

- [sighs]

Would you excuse me

for a moment? Thank you.

What the f***, man?

- The rebels,

who Kenyan officials

liken to seagoing pirates

have taken captive the MV Faina,

a Ukrainian vessel,

off the Somali coast,

and they're demanding

an untold ransom.

Our correspondent, Mitch Kelp,

has more on the story

from outside the U.S.

embassy in Nairobi.

Mitch, what more

can you tell us?

- Well, Chrissy,

not a whole lot.

We are going off

an official press release

from the Kenyan government.

We don't have

a single source in Somalia,

and I'm sure as sh*t not gonna

get my ass shot over there

trying to find out

what would possess these, um--

possess these crackheads

to take an unarmed tanker.

- Hmm. Well, Mitch, word here is

our corporate insurance policy

wouldn't cover you

in that hellhole,

and they'd hate to have

a lawsuit from your family

on their hands when they mail

you back in pieces.

- [sighs] Thank corporate for

being so considerate, Chrissy.

Back to you.

- So until we can find

one crazy motherf***er

to head over to Somalia

and find out what's going on,

we'll continue to take

uneducated guesses

as to who these pirates are.

[phone vibrating]

Bahadur, answer the phone!

- And you've got to put

your bodies upon the gears

and upon the wheels--

- Hello?

- Hello?

Is this Mr. Jay Bahadur?

- Yeah.

- This is Mohamad Farole

from Radio Garowe

over in Somalia.

I got your email.

So you are wanting to come

to Somalia for a book.

You are writing on the pirates,

and you're looking for people

to talk to here, right?

- Yes, exactly.

- I must say that is more than

any other reporter

has been willing to do.

You are the first Westerner

to actually ask to come see

what's going on here.

- That's unfortunate.

- Yes, yes, it's true.

I'll have a conversation

with my father,

accommodate your request.

- Okay, okay.

And, uh, how--uh,

you think your father

will be able

to make this happen?

- I would hope so.

He is our president.

[knock at door]

- Assalamu alaikum.

- Uhh.

- That's Somali for hello.

I suggest you learn it, Bahadur.

I'm out of cigars.

Want to walk with me?

- Okay.

Yeah,

this guy Farole called.

I just sent out some feelers

to a few Somali news

services, and boom.

- The president's son

calls you back.

- Yes! I never

get a break

like that, never.

- Well, uh, you create

your own reality, chief.

- Well, if that was true,

we would all live

in a solipsistic universe

wherein we could do

whatever we wanted

without any further

consequences.

- What the f***

are you talking about?

- Michael Topper, author of

"Channeling UFOs"

and "The Positive/Negative

Realms Beyond This World?"

- You read too much.

F*** more girls, instead.

Speaking of which, I read

that writing sample you gave me.

- Bad?

- Why the f*** would you

write a piece

on how to get away

without paying parking tickets?

- I thought people would laugh.

- Laugh?

Parking tickets pay

for the roads.

The roads get you

out of this sh*t hole.

- So you hated it?

- No, actually.

I liked it.

It's not the second

coming of Hunter S. Thompson,

but you write

with a good conscience.

- You think?

- Yeah.

Don't let it go to your head.

Bravo.

So Avril Benoit,

you know who she is?

- Yeah, uh, she's on CBC Radio.

She did a great report

on Kenya a few weeks ago.

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