The Pirates of Somalia Page #3

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- Exactly.

She's a friend of mine, uh,

and I want to put you

in contact with her.

- Okay.

- She's a good one

for feeding pages to.

So you got--you got

a book outline?

- No.

- Wrong.

You're formulating one, okay?

- I haven't. I mean, this is

all happening so fast.

I just--I Googled

"Somalia press,"

found Farole's name,

and sent out a blind email.

I had no idea this was

gonna blow up, none.

- Bahadur, you got

a book outline?

- No! That's what I'm trying

to tell you--

- Stop! Try again.

You got a book outline?

- I'm formulating it.

- I knew you'd get it

on the third try.

Come on, let's go.

So how much do you know

about Somalia?

- Uh, well, I did a term paper

on it my freshman year

at university, so.

- That's good.

Don't tell me the grade.

It's a start.

Immerse yourself in it.

You dig cigars?

- I never understood cigars.

- That's clever,

don't you think, Jo?

Okay. Save this.

By the time this thing

is over, you will.

Jo, thank you.

What else don't you understand?

I need to know that.

- The Jays are going to lose

Burnett to the Yanks.

They offered him 82.5 million

over five years.

Can you believe that?

- I have an announcement.

- What kind of announcement?

- Yes, what kind?

- Uh, I'm gonna go to Somalia

and write a book on the pirates,

try to get

some stories published.

- [gasps] Somalia?

- I know what you're thinking.

I know you're thinking

it's batshit crazy, but I think

this is the only way

for me to become a journalist.

- AIDS.

- AIDS?

- Isn't that a problem there?

- I believe so,

but I'm going to write

about the pirates,

Dad, not sleep with them.

- [laughs]

[phone buzzing]

Excuse me,

it's my Somali contact.

Assalamu alaikum.

Shifted?

- He needs to do more yoga.

His shoulders are bad.

- Assalam--ciao.

- You okay, sweetheart?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

I was wrong though.

- Wrong?

- Yeah, apparently

there's an additional

$500 security deposit

I didn't account for.

- 500?

- Security deposit?

- Yeah, just for, you know--

you know, for, like, uh,

vehicles and such, insurance

policies, things like that.

Can I borrow $500?

- Welcome about flight 823 now

departing for Frankfurt.

At this time

we'd like you to put away

all your electronic devices--

- Excuse me, sir.

All cell phones must be off.

- It's just final words

to my ex-girlfriend

before I had to Somalia.

I'm, uh, basically looking for

a little sympathy, maybe a wow.

Personally, between me and you,

I'd settle for an LOL.

- Off, please.

- Right, right, sorry.

I want to take

a moment now to say

that not all the characters

in this film

are exactly like

they are in real life,

except for that stewardess.

I felt she needed to be

depicted completely accurately

in her total lack

of empathy for my pain.

Thankfully I only had to spend

the next eight hours

of my journey with her,

and then I'd get

a new stewardess,

and then another stewardess,

and then another.

In fact,

I might have set

a connecting

flight record to Somalia,

but see, this was all part

of my master plan,

a fixed budget that would

allow me to write my book,

and unlike several

of my predecessors

who ventured to

where that flag is,

I'd say alive, as kidnapping

and killing journalists

had become an

unfortunate trend here.

[stewardess speaking Somali]

[men shouting in distance]

Dude.

[tense Arabic music]

[screaming]

F***! Stop!

Stop the f***ing--Seymour?

Tracy?

I thought you were

repulsed by older men!

- [laughing]

- [screams]

- Please calm down!

- Make out with me!

Make out with me now!

Ahh!

Believe it or not,

that is what I consider

a mild Tracy nightmare.

Sorry, sorry, man.

In order to

clear my mind of its negativity,

I'll take a moment now to focus

on the less fortunate

than myself,

the people of Somalia.

Hard to believe this land was

once known as a nation of poets.

Throughout their history,

the Somali poet was counted on

to defend a clan's honor.

They used poems of persuasion

in lieu of weapons

to settle disputes,

but in the 20th century

times changed.

Both the English

and the Italians

attempted to colonize them.

They introduced guns

into battle,

and although Somalia

valiantly refused to succumb,

the scars of war never relented.

Somalia's recent civil war

had caused over a million people

to flee to neighboring

countries as refuges.

Those who stayed faced droughts,

floods, famine,

feuding clan battles, and jihad.

Their newly-elected President

Farole had his hands full,

especially when you threw

in the pirates.

I arrived at my destination

city of Galkayo,

and into the fire I plunged,

or as my Somali translation

book said, "Dabka."

Holy f***.

- Mr. Bahadur? Mr. Bahadur.

- Hi.

- Hi, welcome to Galkayo.

- Oh, thank you.

- Yes. I am Abdirizak.

You call me Abdi.

I am your translator.

- Cool. Good to meet you.

- Good to meet you, yes.

How was your flight?

- It was good.

- That's good. Oh, please don't

do the--with your finger here.

- This?

- Yes. Oh, please--

- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

I'm--I'm so sorry. I--

- It's offensive.

- I'll keep the thumbs in

check. Thank you.

- Yes, yes.

- Yeah.

Your English is great.

- It's not perfect.

I try to learn from you

during your stay, Mr. Bahadur.

- Oh, please call me Jay.

- Jay?

- Yeah, Jay.

- Jay, you have one bag?

- Yeah, one bag.

- Oh, you're like Obama,

a man that knows what he wants.

- You know Obama?

- Of course. He will be great

leader for your people.

- Oh, I'm Canadian.

He's--he's not my leader.

- Of course he is.

Your people just don't know it.

Come.

[upbeat music]

[speaking Somali]

So I hear you are

an author and journalist.

- Yes.

- Good, good.

There is so much to write

about in this country.

What is your subject?

- In a perfect world

I'd be writing

about your newfound democracy,

but, um, given the fact

that the West has broken off

all relations with you, um,

I'm here to write

about your pirates.

- You mean badaadinta badah?

- Bada-binda-bada? What is that?

- It means saviors of the sea.

They are like Coast Guard.

You can never call them pirates.

- Okay. That's good to know.

- They have very strong opinion

on this, never pirates.

- Are they easy to find?

- Yes, of course.

They are people

with crazy money.

- So they walk freely?

- Yes, but our new

President Farole

has promised to change this.

He is a very tough man

who will bring much change.

- [speaking Somali]

- Ah!

[all speaking in Somali]

- Is everything okay?

- Yes, yes.

- It's okay?

- [speaking Somali]

- Yes, yes.

Sometimes I feel like father

with little children.

They need khat.

- Khat.

- Yes. We must stop up here.

- [speaking Somali]

- In Somalia one hour

and already shooting

my first drug deal,

my kind of country.

So khat is a drug?

- Yes, it's--it's a stimulant

leaf from Kenya and Ethiopia.

It's very addictive,

big problem here.

- [speaking Somali].

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