The Pleasure of Being Robbed Page #2

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- Really?

- Yeah, why not?

What else do I have to do?

It's all right.

You weren't doing

anything tonight?

I'm just biking, you know,

what are you...

what do you know about

what the car looks like?

What do we know?

Tell me.

Fill me in.

I'm totally out of the loop.

Okay, I mean...

I guess I sort of actually

picked up this whole bag.

Uh-huh.

And inside there was just

a bunch of stuff,

and then there's

also this camera.

One of the pictures

is a picture of a woman.

She's standing next to a car.

Okay.

Does the car key

have a name on it

or a model or anything?

Oh, God.

I don't know.

Yeah, it's a Volvo key.

Oh, yeah.

So we just have to look

for a Volvo.

Well, I've been trying all

of the cars on this street.

There's a Volvo right here.

Give me the key.

So yeah, this...

this looks like a match.

Well, it looks like a car,

not a match, but...

Yeah, but it's not gonna be

the same car as in the picture.

No, it's going to work.

I just don't think

that this is the one, Josh.

You just have to let me

just do this thing

that generally is successful

for me.

This key is going to fit

in this car,

and it is going to work.

It's going to open this car

only because I'm saying that.

It fits in.

- It fits?

- Yeah.

Open up the door.

It's not quite opening,

though.

Well, look, right across

the street there's a car

that looks exactly the same.

It's just a different color.

- Give me the keys.

- No, this is gonna work.

I guess it is

the exact same car.

This is the one.

- I'm sure of it.

- All right.

Here, toss me the keys again.

All right.

Okay.

You have black stuff

all over your finger now.

- I don't care.

- All right.

Well, it fits in the key...

All right,

does it turn?

It fit in that one too.

Did it turn?

- It turned.

- No way.

Ha ha!

Huh?

You want to open the door

for me?

Oh.

Thank you.

You can't throw keys at a door.

That's not how doors unlock.

Okay.

Well, I'll figure it out better

next time.

That's like getting

to your front door

and just throwing the keys

at the door.

Look at all this stuff

in here.

Check this out.

Tide.

This is the best.

There's so much great stuff

back here.

Oh, f***.

Huh?

I got Tide all over my jacket.

Smells really nice, though.

- Could be worse, right?

- Yeah.

Where are we going?

What do you mean?

I almost licked this

off my hand.

I did.

My instinct was to lick...

"Oh, something spilled on me.

Lick it off your hand."

I can't believe

we actually did this.

- I am so cool.

- Here.

Look at my Volvo.

What am I supposed

to do with those?

- Turn the car on.

- What do you mean?

I don't know how to drive.

Put your... come on.

Turn the car on.

Josh, I've never

driven a car before.

- Really?

- Really.

I'm not gonna drive this car.

No way.

How long... what were you

planning on doing

when you found the car?

Just sit in it?

I don't know.

I just thought it would be fun

to look around inside.

It's really easy to drive;

I'll teach you.

That way when you think back

on it ten years from now...

ugh, this Tide is disgusting...

you'll say,

"I know how to drive.

Josh taught me."

[Engine turning]

There you go.

Turn the lights on.

Oh, look, you got a ticket.

I have a ticket already.

Here, grab...

unroll the window.

All right,

now stick your hand out

and grab the ticket.

I'm gonna put

the windshield wipers on.

No, you got to lean forward.

My first ticket.

Yeah.

Sh*t.

They make them

so you can't do that

because they know

how angry people get

when they get tickets.

Whatever.

All right, so I'll teach you

how to drive.

You really don't know

how to drive?

No, I have no idea.

The car is on though, right?

Yeah, so first turn on

the lights.

Let me adjust my mirror.

- Sit back

- Okay.

- Right on me.

- Perfect.

So that way if you...

That way if you don't...

I'm your blind spot now.

All right, so you want to

turn the lights on first.

All right, put your foot

on the brake,

'cause that's the only way

you can change gears.

- I have it on it, yeah.

- P is for park.

R is for reverse.

N is for neutral.

D is for drive.

L is for L.

Okay, I got it.

So there's two pedals,

obviously.

Yes.

The right one is the gas.

- The left one is the brake.

- Mm-hmm.

And you want to...

[Engine revving]

That's the gas.

Yeah.

And the brake

doesn't make a sound,

unless you're going really fast

and need to come to a stop,

and then it makes

a terrible sound.

Right.

Oh, you've got to put your

hands on the steering wheel.

This kind of controls the car.

All right, I'm going to put you

in reverse.

- Reverse?

- Yeah.

- Why?

- Reverse.

I don't know

how to drive backwards.

Well, that's what you do;

you got to live it.

Do I have to look behind?

- I mean, most people do.

- Can you just tell me?

Okay, I'll just tell you.

Go.

Go.

Okay, okay.

Let's uh, not...

not give it any gas.

All right, slowly take your foot

off the brake,

and you'll start

moving automatically.

My foot is shaking like crazy.

- Well, slowly release it off.

- Okay.

Okay, a little bit more.

A little bit more.

A little bit more.

Am I doing all right?

Yeah, you just got to keep

going back.

- I can see your ear.

- We'll get there.

We can get there.

Wait, look at me

when I'm doing this.

Okay, go back.

All right, we're gonna

put you in drive.

I want to get out of this spot

right away.

All right, you got to cut

the wheel.

Okay.

Don't give it any gas.

Don't give it any gas.

Don't give it any gas.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Keep going.

- Keep going.

Now...

Are we gonna hit that bike?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, go, give it a... let go.

I mean, normally the driver

holds on to the wheel.

- You all right?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

Let's reset this mirror,

so that it...

Yeah, turn it more

so that I can...

I can't really do it

for you though.

Is that good?

No.

You want to go a little faster?

Just 'cause there's

a lot of cars behind us.

[Horn honks]

Okay.

Shall I just let that car pass?

All right, he passed,

so you can go.

That's all right.

Well, we've missed

the light now.

It's all right.

It's okay.

That's okay, right?

You're doing well,

you're doing well.

All right, you want to stop,

though, for the red light.

Okay.

When you use the brake...

You don't have to

turn the car off

when we come to a stop.

I guess that cab passed me.

Do you want to turn

the car back on?

- Sure.

- Okay.

- Clockwise?

- Yes.

- All right.

- Wow.

Okay, so we're surrounded

by cabs.

It's like a driver's

worst nightmare.

- I'm gonna turn right.

- All right.

- Right now?

- You have to turn right.

- Tell me when.

- Now, with the light.

Oh, shut up!

We have a driver

learning how to drive here.

Okay, tell him to pass.

Tell him to pass.

Sorry.

- You all right?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

You getting the hang of it?

Yeah, I think so.

All right.

Now what?

Um, I don't know.

We can go right.

- Yeah?

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