The Princess and the Pirate Page #5

This is something the act never had

before, money. A couple of weeks of this...

plus what we get

from Featherhead's cousin, and we'll be set.

- Did I do all right?

- Yeah, okay for a beginner.

It'll take time, but after a while...

you'll be able to kill an audience

the way I do.

- Or vice versa.

- Yeah.

Very funny, save it for the act.

Sylvester, did you notice

that man in the front row?

- I didn't like the way he looked at me.

- That's something else.

I could tell you about that.

Or didn't your mother ever?

But get this. I know you did all right,

but don't let it go to your head.

I don't want you to become a ham.

The first thing you know

you'll be carried away.

Now, here we are. I figured it all out...

and your share of the take

is a nice, tidy sum.

What do you say?

Do you want me to keep it for you?

Margaret, where are you?

Giddap!

Hurry. Stop them.

Those men, my girl,

they're putting her in a wagon. With horses.

They've kidnapped my act. I'll starve.

I mean, I love her.

- Too bad. She was good for the act.

- That's what I mean. Do something.

Guys can't just see a pretty girl,

grab and carry her off like that.

- Why not?

- Why not? What kind of town is this?

I wanna have those men arrested.

Isn't there any law around here?

- Who can I go to?

- Let's see. There's the governor.

That's right. Where does he hang out?

He has a palace at the end of town

but he's difficult to see.

Is that right? I'll see him.

There's only one thing on my mind,

to rescue the woman I love.

Citizen to see the Governor

on a matter of civil complaint.

I've always wanted to play the Palace.

- Your name, citizen?

- Sylvester.

- What's your last name?

- Crosby.

I can't help it. That's the name they gave me.

Of course, I'm a little thin for it.

Yes, what is it?

Citizen to see you

with a complaint about law and order.

Approach, citizen.

Speak up. What's your complaint?

I wanna ask you what kind of town

you're running here?

You may not believe this.

A big, fat, greasy slob...

comes into the Bucket of Blood

and runs off with my dame.

He's a big, dirty rat, and I want justice.

I'm just as good as he is.

Are you?

Well, practically...

but he's a nice fellow

when you get to know him.

No hard feelings.

So you took a fancy to a girl.

Everybody likes a pretty face.

- I like a pretty face myself.

- How interesting.

It is unfortunate that you do not have one.

Everybody's a comedian.

Furthermore, the young lady you are

concerned about happens to be my guest.

And will remain so,

until I'm ready to dispose of her.

Have you any further complaints, citizen?

Yes, but they're just little ones.

I don't wanna take up your time with them.

Well, I'll be going.

- I'll be staying.

- That's very kind of you.

Now, just precisely,

what is your interest in this lady?

You got to be careful with her. She's no

ordinary girl. You don't know who she is.

- Who is she?

- Well, she's a...

She's a princess. That's what she is.

A princess.

Of course, you'd never think of it

to look at her.

On the contrary, you would.

She's the Princess Margaret...

who has run out on her royal marriage

to the Duke of Rochefort...

- to marry a commoner.

- She was?

I mean, she did? I mean, she is?

I'm asking a ransom of

one million doubloons for her return.

Then she was telling the truth.

- Hey, that's a lot of money.

- So you're the commoner she loves.

Can I help it if a princess

loses her head over me?

Oh, no.

You're quite likely to lose yours over her.

You wouldn't do that. I'm so young.

My head, why, I've hardly ever used it.

When the ransom is paid,

I shall return you both to the king.

He will throw his arms around her neck,

and a rope around yours.

He wouldn't be interested in me. I...

I believe otherwise. I'm asking

But that's kidnapping.

You can't do that to me...

or do you have a permit?

Guard, show our guest here to his quarters

in the west wing.

- Quarters? I don't live here.

- Oh, but you do.

You may even do more than live here.

What do you mean?

What else can you do besides live?

Don't tell me. I got it.

You shall enjoy my hospitality

and have the freedom of the palace.

But I would not advise you

to attempt to escape.

You know what this is?

- I hope it's not what I know it is.

- It is.

The Jbaro tribes of South America...

have developed the art

of shrinking human heads down to this size.

After much painstaking research

and a great deal of practice...

I have learned their secret.

- It is now one of my hobbies.

- Hobbies!

You heard the Governor.

Show me to my quarters.

Somebody ought to get you interested

in collecting stamps.

No, flunky, tell the Queen

that King Sylvester cannot be disturbed.

I'm sleeping.

A beautiful handmaiden is approaching

the windows, parting the curtains...

for her royal master.

Another lovely tomato

pulls down the covers...

stroking my forehead.

Wake up. Wake up, Master.

Go away, will you,

I'm dreaming of beautiful girls.

They're real. And in Technicolor, too.

Your bath is prepared, Master.

His Excellency, the Governor,

awaits your presence at breakfast.

- Do you girls come in here every morning?

- Yes, Master.

Boy, what a union.

We go now, but any time you desire us...

you have but to reach over

and pull the bell cord.

- I have to reach all the way over there?

- Yes, Master.

Ring the bell once for Suzanne,

twice for Nanette...

and three times for Yvonne.

When you hear that thing, all of you come.

Never mind for whom the bell tolls.

Oh, well, I can wait. What a racket.

Margaret.

Margaret!

Good morning.

Sylvester, are you all right?

What are you doing here?

And in these clothes?

In these clothes? I came to get you out.

This isn't Halloween.

Oh, Sylvester, I'm so glad you're here.

I'm frightened of La Roche,

the way he looks at me.

- Yeah, we got a lot in common.

- I must get out of here at once.

I've gone on a hunger strike

to try to hold La Roche off...

- but I don't know how long I can go on.

- You just keep that up.

I'll try to sneak some food to you somehow

until we figure a way to escape.

- I would like to see you, me lady.

- La Roche.

He thinks I'm your boyfriend.

If he catches me here in this slipcover, he'll

shrink my head into an umbrella handle.

Don't worry, I'll see you later.

- A bed with fender pants.

- Open up.

Quick, under here.

You try my patience, Your Highness.

I'm not in the habit

of pounding on milady's door...

like an impetuous schoolboy.

And I'm not in the habit

of receiving uninvited visitors.

My dear, you will get used to it in time.

Come, let us sit down.

I've spent a restless night

thinking of your beauty...

and the proximity of your quarters.

- Does that please you?

- No.

- I demand that you release me at once.

- I tire of your silly dramatics.

- I've come to ask you to breakfast with me.

- I must refuse.

Very well. As I've told you before...

I abhor using force on a beautiful woman.

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