The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes Page #2

You know, of course, Holmes...

that swan isn't really a swan.

lt's an enchanted princess.

Mmm.

Fabulous woman.

Don't you think so, Holmes?

Who?

The great Petrova.

Very strong arches,

l must admit.

They say twelve men

have died for her.

Really?

Six committed suicide...

four were killed in duels...

and one fell out

of the gallery...

of the Vienna Opera House.

That's only eleven.

The man who fell

from the gallery...

landed on top of another man

in the orchestra.

That makes an even dozen...

in a messy sort of way.

Mr. Holmes.

Yes?

l am Nikolai Rogozhin...

Director General of

the lmperial Russian Ballet.

So glad you accept invitation.

This is Dr. Watson.

Nice to meet you.

You're enjoying?

lmmensely.

Tell me, Mr. Holmes...

how is your health?

My health?

Better consult my doctor.

Oh, he's in excellent shape.

Any insanity in your family?

Diabetes? Asthma?

Would you mind telling me

what this is all about?

Certainly.

Madame Petrova...

she has problem.

Can you be more specific?

Certainly not.

Liaison with a crowned head?

Compromising letters? Blackmail?

After performance...

there will be little

celebration backstage...

and Madame requests

your presence.

We'd be delighted.

You are invited, also.

Hey!

Ah, Mr. Holmes...

Madame is expecting you

in her dressing room.

Dr. Watson, you will

amuse yourself meanwhile.

We have vodka, caviar, girls.

Oh, no, thank you.

No girls?

No caviar.

lt makes me break out in hives.

...Doctor Watson.

Any of your girls

understand English?

Nyet!

Well, now, not one single word?

Nyet!

ln that case,

l don't mind telling you...

that you all have

lovely pooh-poohs.

Mr. Holmes,

l must prepare you.

This is not ordinary case.

lt's only the extraordinary

that interests me.

Good.

Because you'll find this

extra-extraordinary.

Madame Petrova...

...Mr. Sherlock Holmes...

may l present Madame Petrova.

Ochen priatna.

Madame.

Madame says you are

shorter than she thought.

Oh, l didn't mean to be.

Short, tall, who cares?

lt is the brains that count.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

...Baskervilles.

Madame is great

admirer of yours.

She has read every story.

Her favorite is...

''Big Dog from Baskervilles.''

l'm afraid it loses

something in translation.

Nikolai...

Mr. Holmes,

you know about fiddles?

What is your opinion of this?

''Antonius Stradivarius,

Cremonensis...

''Anno 1709.''

Well, the label is authentic.

Judging from the shape,

the color of the varnish...

and the tone, l would say

it is a genuine Stradivarius...

of the best period.

You like?

Oh, it's magnificent.

Nikolai...

Here. Take it.

Madame says it is yours.

Mine?

For services you will render.

My fees as a detective

are not exactly trifling...

but a Stradivarius--

you're not serious.

l am not, but Madame is.

All right...

l will pour vodka

and explain.

Mr. Holmes...

what you have seen

tonight is last...

and positively

final performance...

of Madame Petrova.

She is retiring.

What a shame.

She's been dancing since

she was three years old...

and after all,

she is now thirty-eight.

l must say,

she doesn't look thirty-eight.

That is because

she is forty-nine.

So Madame has decided

to leave ballet...

and spend life

bringing up her child.

How admirable.

Problem is how to find father.

Oh, is he missing?

Correct.

And that's why

you've called me in.

Also correct.

We must have father.

Because without father,

how could there be child?

Oh, l see.

The whole thing is still

in the planning stage.

Correct again.

Madame would like child...

to be brilliant

and beautiful.

Since she is beautiful,

she needs man who is brilliant.

Zo sdarovya!

What's in it?

What does it taste like?

Red pepper.

That's what's in it.

l beg your pardon?

Madame would like to know

when you can be ready.

-Ready?

-To leave for Venice.

All the arrangements

have been made.

You will spend

one week there with Madame--

This is all

very flattering...

but surely

there are other men...

better men.

To tell truth...

you were not

the first choice.

We considered

Russian writer...Tolstoy.

Oh, that's more like it.

The man's a genius.

Too old.

Then we considered

philosopher...Nietzsche.

Well, absolutely

first-rate mind.

Uh-uh, too German.

Then we considered

Tchaikovsky.

Oh, you couldn't go

wrong with Tchaikovsky.

We could, and we did.

lt was catastrophe.

Why?

We don't know.

Because Tchaikovsky--

how shall l put it?

Women...not his glass of tea.

Oh, pity, that.

Madame is very happy

with her final choice.

Madame must not be too hasty.

She must remember

that l am an Englishman.

So?

You know what

they say about us.

lf there's one thing

more deplorable...

than our cooking,

it's our lovemaking.

We are not the most

romantic of people.

Perfect.

We don't want

sentimental idiots...

falling in love,

committing suicide.

One week in Venice

with Madame...

she goes back to

St. Petersburg with baby...

you go back to London

with fiddle.

An equitable arrangement.

About my medical history...

when you asked me,

l neglected to mention...

one small detail.

There is hemophilia

in my family.

Huh?

We're all bleeders.

Madame says not to worry,

she will not scratch you.

Well, that's reassuring

to know, but there--

Madame says you talk too much.

You find her attractive

or no?

Well, l...

Oh, excuse me.

What does ''prokyzhynik''

mean?

lt means you little devil.

lt does? l am? Thank you.

l repeat question.

You find Madame

attractive or no?

Oh, l find her

most attractive...

for a woman, that is.

Then no problem.

Maybe a slight one.

You see, l am not a free man.

Not free?

But you are bachelor.

A bachelor living

with another bachelor...

for the last five years.

Five very happy years.

What is it you are

trying to tell us?

Well, l hoped l could

avoid the subject...

but some of us,

through a cruel...

caprice of Mother Nature--

Get to point.

The point is

that Tchaikovsky...

is not an isolated case.

You mean you

and Dr. Watson...

He...is your glass of tea?

lf you want to be

picturesque about it.

...Tchaikovsky?

Believe me, Madame,

the loss is all mine.

But l would rather

disappoint you now...

than disappoint you

in a gondola in Venice.

lt would have been...

catastrophe!

Watson.

Watson, are you coming?

What is it, old boy?

We're going home.

Home? Not a chance.

Not the slightest,

not the remotest chance.

Toodle-oo!

Hey!

Good luck.

Just one moment.

What's going on?

What happened to the girls?

Why, do you not

prefer it this way?

What way?

Oh, you don't

have to pretend.

Mr. Holmes

told us everything...

about you and him.

About me and him?

Come on.

No need to be bashful.

We are not bourgeois.

Maybe between doctors

and detectives...

is unusual, but...

in ballet, is very usual.

What is?

Caprice of Mother Nature.

Look, Cahvel and Misha...

Boris and Demitri,

and llya and Sergei.

Sergei...half and half.

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