The Producers

INT. DAY. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF MAX BIALYSTOCK'S OFFICE.

CLOSE-UP OF LITTLE OLD LADY. She blows a kiss and WAVES

GOOD-BYE.

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF MAX BIALYSTOCK. HE RESPONDS WITH SIMILAR

GESTURES.

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO FULL SHOT. LEGEND ON FROSTED GLASS OF

BIALYSTOCK'S OFFICE DOOR READS:

MAX BIALYSTOCK - THEATRICAL PRODUCER

LITTLE OLD LADY BEGINS TO DESCEND STAIRWAY. SHE STOPS,

TURNS, BLOWS ANOTHER KISS AND ONCE MORE WAVES GOODBYE.

BIALYSTOCK GRACIOUSLY ANSWERS IN KIND.

BIALYSTOCK:

Don't forget the checkee. Can't

produce playees without checkees.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

You can count on me-o, you dirty

young man.

CAMERA BACK TO BIALYSTOCK'S FACE FROZEN IN A LITTLE GOODBYE

SMILE. THE LITTLE OLD LADY'S FOOTSTEPS. BEGIN TO FADE.

BIALYSTOCK'S FACE QUICKLY RESUMES ITS NORMAL EXPRESSION --

DESPAIR AND DISGUST. HE THEN REACHES INTO HIS VEST POCKET,

PULLS OUT AN OLD-FASHIONED, POCKET WATCH AND EARNESTLY

CONSULTS ITS FACE.

CAMERA STAYS WITH HIM AS HE RUSHES INTO HIS OFFICE.

BIALYSTOCK MOVES WITH A QUICK SHUFFLING GAIT TO HIS DESK.

FROM THE TOP OF IT HE PICKS UP A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH.

CAMERA INSERT:
CLOSE-UP OF PHOTOGRAPH. IT IS FACE OF LITTLE

OLD LADY WHO HAS JUST LEFT.

CAMERA BACK TO BIALYSTOCK. HE OPENS DESK DRAWER. IT IS

FILLED WITH TAGGED KEYS. HE PICKS UP A KEY.

CAMERA INSERT:
TAG ON KEY READS: INVESTORS FILE.

CAMERA BACK TO BIALYSTOCK. WITH PHOTOGRAPH IN HAND, HE

MOVES ACROSS HIS OFFICE TO A LARGE, DOUBLE-DOORED CABINET.

HE UNLOCKS CABINET.

CAMERA SHOWS CABINET INTERIOR FILLED WITH HUNDREDS OF

SIMILARLY FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS OF LITTLE OLD LADIES.

CAMERA BACK TO BIALYSTOCK. HE PLACES PHOTOGRAPH IN ITS

PROPER NICHE AND BEGINS TO LOOK THROUGH THE FACES.

CAMERA SLOWLY PANS ROWS OF PHOTOGRAPHS, BIALYSTOCK'S P.O.V.

2.

BIALYSTOCK:

(Voice Over)

"Hold me, touch me', 'hold me,

touch me', 'hold me, touch me',

where is 'hold me, touch me'? Ahhh

... here we are. 'Hold me, touch

me.'"

CAMERA STOPS PANNING AND REMAINS ON ONE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS.

BIALYSTOCK'S HAND MOVES INTO THE FRAME AND PICKS UP

PHOTOGRAPH.

CAMERA MOVES IN TO CLOSE-UP OF PHOTOGRAPH

DISSOLVE THROUGH TO MATCHING CLOSE-UP OF SAME FACE WE HAVE

JUST SEEN IN PHOTOGRAPH.

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL LITTLE OLD LADY IN REAR SEAT OF

LIMOUSINE. EXTERIOR. DAY.

CAMERA KEEPS MOVING BACK TO EXTERIOR OF LIMO AS IT MOVES

ALONG THROUGH NEW YORK'S THEATRICAL DISTRICT.

LONG SHOT. 45TH STREET. SAME LIMOUSINE PULLS UP IN FRONT

OF ONE OF THE THEATRES THAT LINE THE BLOCK.

MEDIUM SHOT. CHAUFFEUR BRISKLY HOPS OUT, AND SMARTLY OPENS

REAR DOOR. THE LITTLE OLD LADY EMERGES. SHE LOWERS HER

VEIL AND FURTIVELY DUCKS INTO THE BUILDING ENTRANCE.

INT. MEDIUM SHOT. DILAPIDATED THEATRE OFFICE BUILDING. THE

LITTLE OLD LADY ENTERS. SHE RAISES HER VEIL, CHUCKLES

GLEEFULLY, AND BEGINS TO ASCEND THE STAIRS.

MEDIUM SHOT. UPON REACHING THE LANDING, SHE SPOTS THE FIRST

LITTLE OLD LADY COMING DOWN. SHE QUICKLY DROPS HER VEIL.

THE FIRST LITTLE OLD LADY DISCREETLY HIDES HER FACE WITH HER

PURSE AS THEY PASS EACH OTHER ON THE LANDING.

DISSOLVE TO FOURTH FLOOR LANDING. THE LITTLE OLD LADY MAKES

HER WAY TO THE TOP. SHE HANGS ONTO THE BANISTER FOR SUPPORT

AS SHE CATCHES HER BREATH. SHE RAISES HER VEIL, REACHES

INTO HER PURSE, TAKES OUT A SMALL FLACON OF PERFUME AND

SPRAYS DELICATELY BEHIND BOTH EARS. THOROUGHLY COMPOSED,

SHE APPROACHES BIALYSTOCK'S DOOR. SHE RAPS ON THE DOOR

THREE TIMES IN QUICK SUCCESSION, WAITS A MOMENT, RAPS TWICE

AND THEN THREE TIMES AGAIN. SUDDENLY THE DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN.

MEDIUM SHOT. MAX BIALYSTOCK

BIALYSTOCK:

(leering)

Darling!

3.

MEDIUM SHOT OVER BIALYSTOCK'S SHOULDER. LITTLE OLD LADY.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(passionately)

Hold me, touch me.

CUT TO TWO SHOT. BIALYSTOCK CLUTCHES THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN

A PASSIONATE EMBRACE.

BIALYSTOCK:

Devil woman.

FREEZE ACTION.

SUPER-IMPOSE FIRST CREDIT: ZERO MOSTEL.

RESUME ACTION.

THE LITTLE OLD LADY GIGGLES JOYOUSLY AND THEN SLIPS FROM

BIALYSTOCK'S GRASP, DARTS INTO THE OFFICE AND DUCKS BEHIND

THE COUCH. SHE POPS HER HEAD UP.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Finder's keepers.

FREEZE ACTION.

SUPER-IMPOSE:
TITLE OF FILM

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK:

Here I come, ready or not.

BIALYSTOCK LEAPS THROUGH THE AIR TOWARDS THE COUCH.

FREEZE-ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK LANDS BADLY. HE WRITHES IN PAIN. LITTLE OLD

LADY COQUETTISHLY CRAWLS TO HIM.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

What's the matter? Papa no want to

play with baby?

BIALYSTOCK:

Ohhhhhh.

FREEZE-ACTION.

4.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK REACHES OUT FOR HER. SHE ELUDES HIM, DARTS INTO

A CHAIR, CROSSES HER LEG SEDUCTIVELY, RAISES HER SKIRT JUST

ABOVE HER KNEE REVEALING A GOLDEN ROSE AND GARTER.

FREEZE-ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET.

BIALYSTOCK:

Come to Papa. Come to Papa do.

LITTLE OLD LADY LEAPS OUT OF HER CHAIR AND POSES, COYLY.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

To the victor go the spoils.

BIALYSTOCK STARTS FOR HER. SHE RUSHES AROUND A CHAIR AND

DUCKS BEHIND IT. BIALYSTOCK TIPTOES ON TO CHAIR AND PEEKS

OVER IT.

BIALYSTOCK:

I'm gonna get you.

FREEZE-ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

CUT TO LITTLE OLD LADY WEDGED BETWEEN DESK AND BACK OF CHAIR.

SHE STRAIGHTENS HER LEGS AND SENDS THE CHAIR HURTLING ACROSS

THE ROOM.

CLOSE-UP OF BIALYSTOCK'S FACE: TERROR.

FREEZE-ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK CRASHES INTO RADIATOR.

BIALYSTOCK:

Ohhhhhhhh.

5.

CUT TO LITTLE OLD LADY. SHE IS LYING PHONE ON THE DESK,

PREENING HERSELF AND PURRING.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Meeow. Meeow. I wonder where Old

Tom is tonight? Meeow.

BIALYSTOCK, WITH GREAT WILL, PUSHES THE HATE OUT OF HIS FACE

AND REPLACES IT WITH SWEETNESS.

BIALYSTOCK:

Rowrrr.

BIALYSTOCK GLIDES IN TOM-CAT FASHION OVER TO HIS PREENING

P*SSY-CAT.

FREEZE-ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK FINISHES CROSSING TO DESK, PUTS HIS FACE DOWN

NEAR HERS AND SOFTLY MEWS INTO HER EAR. SHE SUDDENLY LETS

OUT A FIERCE HOWL AS SHE REBUFFS HIM WITH A SAVAGE SWIPE OF

HER "PAW". BIALYSTOCK GRABS HIS STRICKEN FACE WITH BOTH

HANDS AND SHRIEKS.

BIALYSTOCK:

Aieeeeyiyiyiyiyi,

CLOSE-UP OF BIALYSTOCK'S PAIN-RIDDEN FEATURES.

STOP ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

BIALYSTOCK FALLS INTO THE CHAIR MOANING. SHE HOPS ON TO HIS

LAP. FROM HIS BREAST POCKET SHE TAKES A HANDKERCHIEF AND

TENDERLY DABS HIS CHEEK WITH IT.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Oh, Bialy, Bialy, darling, did I

hurt you?

FREEZE-ACTION.

CREDIT.

RESUME ACTION.

6.

BIALYSTOCK:

My hand. My hand. I can't turn my

hand.

(he turns his hand)

THERE IS A RAPPING AT THE DOOR. WE HEAR IT, THEY DON'T.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(taking his hand)

Don't worry. I'll kiss it and make

it well.

(she smothers his

hand with kissers)

BIALYSTOCK:

(trying to rescue his hand)

Enough. It's better. Please,

Lambchop, it's better. Stop.

You're hurting it again.

CUT TO DOOR. IT OPENS. LEO BLOOM ENTERS.

BLOOM:

(his forward motion

arrested by the

unbelievable scene)

How do you do. I mean ... Excuse

me ... I mean ...

BIALYSTOCK:

You mean ooops, don't you? Say

ooops and get out.

BLOOM:

I'll wait in the hall ...

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