The Producers Page #2

BIALYSTOCK:

Oooooooops!

BLOOM:

(backing out of door)

Ooooooops.

LITTLE OLD LADY HOPS OFF BIALYSTOCK'S LAP AND GOES TO DOOR.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

I can't abide a peeping Tom.

There's one in the apartment just

opposite my bedroom window. I

swear that man NEVER takes his

field glasses off me for a minute.

7.

SHE LOCKS DOOR AND STARTS BACK TOWARD BIALYSTOCK.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Feeling better?

BIALYSTOCK NODS HIS HEAD IN ASSENT.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Good. Let's fool around. Now,

I'll be the innocent little milk

maid and you'll be the naughty

stable boy.

(she goes into her act)

Oh, this milk is so heavy. I'll

never reach the house. Help. Will

someone help me?

BIALYSTOCK:

(stopping her)

Wait. Wait. We can't play today.

I have too many appointments.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(crushed)

We can't play today?

BIALYSTOCK:

Thursday. Thursday. We'll play

Thursday. We'll play the Contessa

and the chauffeur.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Oh, the best one.

BIALYSTOCK:

(trying to steer her

towards the door)

Until Thursday, then, Contessa Mio.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(she sits on the sofa)

Oh, Bialy, please, just a little.

Just a little.

BIALYSTOCK:

(harassed)

All right. All right.

HE SQUATS DOWN IN FRONT OF HER IN CHAUFFEUR FASHION, HIS

HANDS ON THE WHEEL.

8.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

So, the Count hired you this

morning, Rudolfo ... Watch the road

... Watch the road.

BIALYSTOCK:

I can't take my eyes off you. How

can I drive when you drive me mad.

Mad.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(she squeals with delight)

Rudolfo, you dirty pig! Pull over.

BIALYSTOCK:

(upright)

Good. That's enough. We'll do the

rest on Thursday.

(he reaches down and

helps her off the couch)

That's a good girl.

(leading her to the door)

It's always such fun to see you.

BIALYSTOCK OPENS THE DOOR AND USHERS HER OUT ONTO THE LANDING.

CUT TO HALLWAY. FAR SHOT. REVEALING BLOOM WAITING OUTSIDE.

WE SEE HIM. THEY DO NOT. BLOOM, VERY EMBARRASSED, HUGS THE

WALL TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF LESS CONSPICUOUS.

MEDIUM SHOT. BIALYSTOCK AND THE OLD LADY IN FRONT OF

BIALYSTOCK'S DOOR.

BIALYSTOCK:

Until Thursday, then, you bawdy

wench.

HE SLAPS HER ON THE RUMP.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Oooh. I love it. Hold me, touch me.

CUT TO BLOOM IN SHADOWS, AGHAST.

BACK TO MEDIUM SHOT LITTLE OLD LADY AND BIALYSTOCK.

BIALYSTOCK:

Thursday. I'll see you Thursday.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

And we'll finish playing the

Contessa and Rudolfo.

9.

BIALYSTOCK:

Good. Yes. Thursday.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

And after that we'll play the

Abduction and cruel rape of Lucretia

... And I'll play Lucretia.

CUT TO BLOOM IN SHADOWS. IT IS ALL TOO MUCH FOR HIM. HE

LOOKS THE OTHER WAY. SUDDENLY HIS EYES WIDEN IN SURPRISE,

AS HE DISCOVERS ANOTHER MAN HIDING IN THE NEXT DOORWAY. THE

MAN PUTS A FINGER TO HIS LIPS INDICATING SILENCE. THERE IS

NO PLACE LEFT FOR BLOOM TO LOOK. HE LOOKS TO HEAVEN.

BACK TO LITTLE OLD LADY AND BIALYSTOCK.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Oh, Thursday. Will Thursday ever

come?

BIALYSTOCK:

(to himself)

Like clockwork.

SHE STARTS TO DESCEND.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

I shall count the minutes.

BIALYSTOCK:

Goodbye, my angel ... My angel!

(calling after her)

Hey, touch me ... wait! Hey, uh ...

Lucretia, Lucretia!

WE HEAR A MOUNTING CLATTER OF FOOTSTEPS AS THE LITTLE OLD

LADY FLIES BACK UP THE STAIRS.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(eagerly)

Yes???

BIALYSTOCK:

Oh, Angelcake, you forgot to give

me the check. Can't produce a play

without money, ha, ha, ha.

CUT TO BLOOM. ONCE MORE HE STEALS A GLANCE AT THE STRANGER

HIDDEN IN THE SECOND DOORWAY. ONCE AGAIN THE MAN GESTURES

FOR HIM TO BE SILENT.

CUT BACK TO BIALYSTOCK AND THE OLD LADY.

10.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(opening her handbag

and reaching inside)

Of course, the check, I had it with

me all the time.

SHE TAKES OUT THE CHECK AND HANDS IT TO HIM.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

I don't know what's happening to me.

I must be getting old.

BIALYSTOCK TAKES CHECK AND READS IT.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Is it all right? I made it out to

cash. You didn't tell me the name

of the play.

BIALYSTOCK:

Oh, it's fine. Fine. Good. Good.

Bye. Bye.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

Til Thursday, my Darling, I shall

count the minutes.

SHE STARTS TO DESCEND.

LITTLE OLD LADY:

(descending)

Ta. Ta.

BIALYSTOCK:

(waving check at her)

Ta. Ta.

THE MAN, WHO HAS BEEN LURKING IN THE SECOND DOORWAY, SUDDENLY

SPRINGS INTO ACTION. HE DARTS FORWARD AND QUICKLY TAKES THE

CHECK OUT OF BIALYSTOCK'S HAND.

THE MAN (LANDLORD)

He who signs a lease, must pay rent.

HE SHOVES THE CHECK INTO HIS POCKET AND STARTS DOWN THE

STAIRS.

LANDLORD:

That's the law.

BIALYSTOCK:

Murderer! Thief! How can you take

the last penny out of a man's pocket?

11.

LANDLORD:

(turns back, shrugs)

I have to ... I'm a landlord!

BIALYSTOCK:

(shouting to heaven)

Oh Lord, hear my plea. Destroy him.

He maketh a blight on the land.

CUT TO LANDLORD ON THE WAY DOWN.

LANDLORD:

(to the Lord)

Don't pay attention. He's crazy.

CUT BACK TO BIALYSTOCK. HE TURNS TO RE-ENTER HIS OFFICE.

BIALYSTOCK:

(biting his knuckle)

Nnnnn. That hurt.

(he sighs)

I'll have to make another call.

HE STARTS IN AND STOPS. HE NOTICES BLOOM.

BIALYSTOCK:

(to Bloom, quietly)

Have you been there all this time?

BLOOM NODS.

BIALYSTOCK:

And did you see and hear everything?

BLOOM NODS.

BIALYSTOCK:

Then what do you have to say for

yourself?

BLOOM:

Uh ... uh ... ooooooops?

BIALYSTOCK:

(shouts)

Who are you? What do you want?

Why are you loitering in my hallway?

Speak, dummy, speak! Why don't you

speak?

BLOOM:

Scared. Can't talk.

12.

BIALYSTOCK:

All right. Get a hold of yourself.

Take a deep breath, let it out

slowly and tell me who you are.

BLOOM:

(breathes deeply.

Words tumble from his

mouth as he exhales)

I'm Leo Bloom, I'm an accountant,

I'm from Whitehall and Marks, I was

sent here to do your books and I'm

terribly sorry I caught you with

the old lady.

(he has run out of breath)

BIALYSTOCK:

"Caught you with the old lady."

Come in, Mr. Tact.

CUT TO OFFICE. THEY ENTER. BLOOM ENTERS TIMOROUSLY. HE

DOESN'T KNOW QUITE WHERE TO GO. HE LOOKS TO BIALYSTOCK FOR

GUIDANCE. BIALYSTOCK STUDIES BLOOM CURIOUSLY FROM HEAD TO

TOE.

BIALYSTOCK:

So you're an accountant, eh?

BLOOM:

(timidly)

Yes sir.

BIALYSTOCK:

Then account for yourself! Do you

believe in God? Do you believe in

gold? Why are you looking up old

lady's dresses? Bit of a pervert,

eh?

BLOOM, WHO HAS BEEN QUAKING UNDER THE ASSAULT, REACHES INTO

HIS POCKET AND TAKES OUT THE TATTERED CORNER OF AN OLD BLUE

BABY BLANKET. HE TWISTS THE BLUE BLANKET NERVOUSLY IN HIS

HANDS.

BLOOM:

Sir, I ...

BIALYSTOCK:

Never mind. Never mind. Do the

books. They're in that desk over

there. Top drawer.

13.

BLOOM DUTIFULLY GOES TO DESK. OPENS TOP DRAWER AND BEGINS

REMOVING BOOKS.

BIALYSTOCK:

How dare you condemn me without

knowing all the facts.

BLOOM:

But sir, I'm not condem ...

BIALYSTOCK:

Shut up. I'm having a rhetorical

conversation.

(to himself)

How humiliating. Max Bialystock.

Max Bialystock.

BIALYSTOCK SUDDENLY WHEELS AND SHOUTS AT BLOOM.

BIALYSTOCK:

You know who I used to be? Max

Bialystock! The King of Broadway!

Six shows running at once. Lunch

at Delmonico's. Two hundred dollar

suits. Look at me. Look at me now!

I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

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