The Producers Page #4

BLOOM:

What was I saying?

BIALYSTOCK:

You were saying that under the

right circumstances, a producer

could make more money with a flop

than he could with a hit.

BLOOM:

(smiling)

Yes, it's quite possible.

BIALYSTOCK:

You keep saying that, but you don't

tell me how. How could a producer

make more money with a flop than

with a hit?

20.

BLOOM, SLIGHTLY EXASPERATED, PUTS HIS PENCIL DOWN AND FACES

BIALYSTOCK. HE SPEAKS TO BIALYSTOCK AS A TEACHER WOULD A

STUDENT.

BLOOM:

It's simply a matter of creative

accounting. Let us assume, just

for the moment, that you are a

dishonest man.

BIALYSTOCK:

Assume away!

BLOOM:

Well, it's very easy. You simply

raise more money than you really

need.

BIALYSTOCK:

What do you mean?

BLOOM:

You've done it yourself, only you

did it on a very small scale.

BIALYSTOCK:

What did I do?

BLOOM:

You raised two thousand more than

you needed to produce your last play.

BIALYSTOCK:

So what? What did it get me? I'm

wearing a cardboard belt.

BLOOM:

Ahhhhhh! But that's where you made

your error. You didn't go all the

way. You see, if you were really a

bold criminal, you could have

raised a million.

BIALYSTOCK:

But the play only cost $60,000 to

produce.

BLOOM:

Exactly. And how long did it run?

BIALYSTOCK:

One night.

21.

BLOOM:

See? You could have raised a

million dollars, put on a sixty

thousand dollar flop and kept the

rest.

BIALYSTOCK:

But what if the play was a hit?

BLOOM:

Oh, you'd go to jail. If the play

were a hit, you'd have to pay off

the backers, and with so many

backers there could never be enough

profits to go around, get it?

BIALYSTOCK:

Aha, aha, aha, aha, aha, aha!! So,

in order for the scheme to work,

we'd have to find a sure fire flop.

BLOOM:

What scheme?

BIALYSTOCK:

What scheme? Your scheme, you

bloody little genius.

BLOOM:

Oh, no. No. No. I meant no

scheme. I merely posed a little,

academic accounting theory. It's

just a thought.

BIALYSTOCK:

Bloom, worlds are turned on such

thoughts!

BIALYSTOCK STARTS MOVING IN ON BLOOM.

BIALYSTOCK:

Don't you see, Bloom. Darling,

Bloom, glorious Bloom, it's so

simple. Step one: We find the

worst play in the world -- a sure

flop. Step two:
I raise a million

dollars -- there's a lot of little

old ladies in this world. Step

three:
You go back to work on the

books. Phoney lists of backers --

one for the government, one for us.

You can do it, Bloom, you're a

wizard.

(MORE)

22.

BIALYSTOCK (CONT'D)

Step four:
We open on Broadway and

before you can say 'step five' we

close on Broadway. Step six: We

take our million dollars and fly to

Rio de Janiero.

BIALYSTOCK GRABS BLOOM IN HIS ARMS AND BEGINS TO LEAD HIM IN

A WILD TANGO AROUND THE ROOM.

BIALYSTOCK:

(sings)

"Ah, Rio, Rio by the seao, meo,

myo, meo ... "

BLOOM:

(afraid of the

scheme, afraid of the

dance, afraid of Bialystock)

Mr. Bialystock. No. Wait. Please.

You're holding me too tight. I'm

an honest man. You don't understand.

BIALYSTOCK:

(leading Bloom as he talks)

No, Bloom, you don't understand.

This is fate, this is destiny.

There's no avoiding it.

AT THIS POINT, BIALYSTOCK SWEEPS BLOOM INTO AN ELABORATE DIP.

BLOOM:

(the back of his head

practically touching

the floor)

Mr. Bialystock, not more than five

minutes ago, against my better

judgment, I doctored your books.

That, sir, is the ultimate extent

of my criminal life.

BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS FISTS TO THE HEAVENS IN DESPAIR.

BLOOM, EXPERIENCING A DEFINITE LACK OF SUPPORT, GOES CRASHING

TO THE FLOOR.

BIALYSTOCK:

OOOOOHH! OOOOOHH! OOOOOHH!

OOOOOHH! I WANT THAT MONEY!

CAMERA ON BLOOM AS HE LIES STRICKEN ON THE FLOOR.

23.

BLOOM:

(to himself)

Oh, I fell on my keys.

(he shifts slightly

to make himself more comfortable)

I've got to get out of here.

BIALYSTOCK:

(angrily hovering

over Bloom)

You miserable, cowardly, wretched

little caterpillar. Don't you ever

want to become a butterfly? Don't

you want to spread your wings and

flap your way to glory?

BIALYSTOCK FLAPS HIS ARMS LIKE A HUGE PREDATORY BIRD.

BLOOM:

(his eyes widened in terror)

You're going to jump on me.

BIALYSTOCK STARES AT HIM INCREDULOUSLY.

BLOOM:

You're going to jump on me. I know

you're going to jump on me -- like

Nero jumped on Poppea.

BIALYSTOCK:

(nonplussed)

What???

BLOOM:

(by now he is shrieking)

Poppea. She was his wife. And she

was unfaithful to him. So he got

mad and he jumped on her. Up and

down, up and down, until he squashed

her like a bug. Please don't jump

on me.

BIALYSTOCK:

(shouting and jumping

up and down next to Bloom)

I'm not going to jump on you!

BLOOM:

(rolling away in terror)

Aaaaaaaaaa!

24.

BIALYSTOCK:

(hoisting Bloom to

his feet)

Will you get a hold on yourself.

BLOOM:

(up on his feet and

running for cover)

Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

HE RUNS TO A CORNER OF THE ROOM. TRAPPED! HE TURNS.

BIALYSTOCK:

What are you afraid of? I'm not

going to hurt you! What's the

matter with you?

BLOOM:

I'm hysterical. I'm having

hysterics. I'm hysterical. I

can't stop. When I get like this,

I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

BIALYSTOCK RUSHES TO THE DESK. PICKS UP A CARAFE OF WATER

AND SHOSHES ITS CONTENTS INTO BLOOM'S FACE.

BLOOM:

I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical

and I'm wet!

BIALYSTOCK IN A DESPERATE MOVE TO STOP BLOOM'S HYSTERICS,

SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.

BLOOM:

(holding his face)

I'm in pain! And I'm wet! And I'm

still hysterical!

BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS HAND AGAIN.

BLOOM:

No! No! Don't hit. It doesn't

help. It only increases my sense

of danger.

BIALYSTOCK:

What can I do? What can I do?

You're getting me hysterical.

BLOOM:

Go away from me. You frighten me.

(he indicates the sofa)

Sit over there.

25.

BIALYSTOCK SITS ON THE SOFA.

BIALYSTOCK:

(exasperated)

Okay. I'm way over here. Is that

better?

BLOOM:

It's a little better, but you still

look angry.

BIALYSTOCK:

How's this?

(he smiles sweetly)

BLOOM:

Good. Good. That's nice. That's

very nice. I think I'm coming out

of it now. Yes. Yes. I'm

definitely coming out of it. Thank

you for smiling. It helped a great

deal.

BIALYSTOCK:

(for want of something

sensible)

Well, you know what they say,

"Smile and the world smiles with

you." Heh, heh.

(to himself)

The man should be in a straight

jacket.

(to Bloom)

Feeling better?

BLOOM:

Much, thank you. But I am a little

lightheaded. Maybe I should eat

something. Hysterics have a way of

severely depleting one's blood

sugar, you know.

BIALYSTOCK:

They certainly do. They certainly

do. Come, let me take you to lunch.

BLOOM:

That's very kind of you, Mr.

Bialystock, but I ...

26.

BIALYSTOCK:

(interrupting)

Nonsense, nonsense, my dear boy. I

lowered your blood sugar, but least

I could do is raise it a little.

BLOOM LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY.

BIALYSTOCK:

And I promise you faithfully, I

won't discuss that silly scheme to

make a million dollars anymore.

BIALYSTOCK DONS HIS CAPE AND "BELASCO" HAT. FROM A RACK HE

SELECTS A GOLD-TOPPED WALKING STICK. HE GOES TO DOOR, OPENS

IT, AND WITH A GRAND FLOURISH, MOTIONS BLOOM TO PRECEDE HIM.

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