The Rambler

---

( fire crackling )

( wind howling )

( footsteps running )

- ( door slams )

- ( men shouting )

( banging )

Men:

Come on! Yeah, get him!

( cheering continues )

( banging )

( door slams )

Guard:

She know what day it is?

She knows.

Listen, uh...

I gotta get back.

( lighter clicks )

Good luck.

( gate rattles )

( beeping )

Ho down, down

Ho down, dee

Red bird dance a penitentiary

A jailer stoned and

he barred the door

Red bird gone, yeah, to fly no more

Black crow see, black crow knew

New Orleans is where

the red bird flew

I been born and I'm gonna die

Blood red wing,

you gonna make me cry

Rusty wing, a dead dark thing

Crows too loud now

when the red bird sing.

( indistinct radio playing )

A letter come from your brother.

At least I think it's him.

Oregon address.

It's in that glove box.

Roberta said you could

get your old job back at that pawn shop.

I guess that's a start.

Yeah, well, I think you're lucky.

( radio playing )

Goin' down New Orleans

Red bird dancin'

and a red bird...

( static plays, stops )

( dog barking )

Woman:

Surprise.

All:

Surprise! Ahh!

You son of a b*tch!

We missed you!

- Yeah.

- Welcome home, d*ckhead.

How was the man p*ssy in the slammer?

- ( laughing )

- Give me one of those.

Yeah, he's back.

How many years you do anyways?

- Four.

- ( man laughing )

You f***in' queer!

( cackling )

Welcome back, brother.

( cackling continues )

Thank you.

( cackling continues )

( music playing within )

Man, it's so good to have you back.

I thought about you damn near every day.

- Hello, gang.

- Shut up!

She's a good woman.

She's a rock.

Y'all heard the one about the gardener?

Douche box!

Actually, I believe douche comes in a can.

( men laughing )

( men chanting )

Do it, do it, do it!

- Take it in your mouth, hippie!

- Do it, do it!

- Do it, do it!

- Argh-hh!

- ( cackling )

- ( men hooting )

- ( men laughing )

- Do it, do it, do it.

- Do it!

- ( men hooting )

Come on!

( static crackles )

( TV static crackles )

( police radio plays softly )

( fizzles, pops )

( strumming softly )

Hold on, Luke.

What the f*** you doin'?

Eating lunch.

Well, eat it out front, then!

I ain't paying you

to be no Bob-ass-Dylan!

Sorry, ma'am.

Oh, sorry about that.

( Roberta's voice fades )

( police radio chatter continues )

Can I help you, ma'am?

I got these rings,

this necklace.

Emeralds...

they're my birthstone.

How much you want?

I want a gun.

Roberta:

He can't touch no gun, Shirley.

Just got out of prison.

Gonna have to wait for me.

Roberta:
Oh, f*** it.

I gotta go. Bye.

Go. Sweep.

What can I do for you, honey?

- Pistol?

- Shotgun.

I'm going on a trip.

( beeping )

- ( women laughing )

- ( gunshots firing )

- Ha! Get him!

- Ha ha!

( women hooting )

( gunfire continues )

( sizzling, radio playing softly )

( spatula clatters )

( yells )

God damn it!

What?

What's your f***in' prob, huh?

What?

Can't get hard for me no more?

I guess I'm still adjusting, Cheryl.

Adjusted to what?

Huh?

A female?

Hey, maybe Kenny was right.

The joint queered you.

I ain't queer.

Just don't feel right yet.

Well, maybe I ain't willing

to wait for you to feel right!

A lot of men want to f*** me, you know?

Gerald,

Kenny,

Steven,

and countless other scum-fucks

whose names I don't even recall.

You must be proud.

You know, I was gonna

lie to you out of courtesy,

but f*** you,

here it comes...

I'm pregnant!

Gerald?

Daryl.

Cheryl and Daryl.

I like that.

May be something in there.

F*** you!

Get the f*** out!

Sorry motherf***er.

( screams )

F***in' go!

Get out!

- ( gunfire blasts )

- ( screaming )

( continues shouting )

( bullet zinging )

Don't you ever f***in' come back here!

( screaming continues )

( doorbells jangling )

( motor whirring )

( truck rumbling )

( spits )

God.

( gagging )

Sh*t.

( door beeps )

So what's your excuse now, dipshit?

Cheryl kicked me out again.

So where the hell did you sleep?

Under a...

under a thing.

Well, that sounds nice,

but I pay you to open!

Oh, sh*t.

I don't f***ing have time

to deal with this right now.

I have got to meet a client.

You stay here until I get back.

And then we will discuss

your employment.

( door beeps )

You know you're an a**hole, right?

A grown a**hole.

( cans rattle )

Pssh-shew.

( tires squeal )

Daryl:

Welcome back, brother.

Kenny:

You f***in' queer!

Cheryl:

F*** you, here it comes.

Roberta:

A grown a**hole!

- Freeze.

- Cheryl:
Pregnant!

Man:

We missed you!

This you?

Yes, sir.

Man's voice:

"Dearest brother,

been a long time since we last spoke.

It seems you're not the easiest fellow

to track these days,

so if you're even reading this,

I'll consider it a bit of a miracle.

Anyway, I've been running

a little pony ranch

just outside of Sun River.

Got a lot of colts this year

and Susan just had another boy...

a human.

Anyway, I know you hate

that cowboy stuff and all,

but we could sure use a good hand out here.

Plus you have some new family to meet.

So if you can make it

out to Oregon, you got a job

and a soft place to land. "

Rambler's voice:

"Dearest brother,

I have decided to join you and your family

on the Oregon ranch.

Just like old times, I guess.

I have found myself far from home,

so I apologize in advance

for my delayed arrival.

But unless I die or something worse,

I will deliver myself to the ranch

ready to work just as fast as I can.

Well, I seem to have run out of words.

Take care. Sincerely... "

- ( truck brake hissing )

- ( honking )

( faint beeping )

- ( rapid beeping )

- ( horse snorts )

Hey there.

Highway lose you or something?

Yeah.

Good job.

You're officially nowhere.

How far to somewhere?

About three miles.

West.

That where you're going?

I guess so.

Got any room on that guy?

Probably not.

There is that bicycle.

( doorbells jangle )

( radio playing softly )

Bottle of red, cheapest smokes.

Whatever.

Eight.

Thanks, sir.

( distant dog barking )

( radio static crackling )

( coughing )

They're mummies.

You... you like mummies?

No.

( metal rattling )

Uh, it records dreams to VHS.

It works?

Has before.

Rambler:

How far are you taking me, friend?

Driver:

That's up to you, I guess.

See, I stop in almost every town.

Put a little road show on,

bring the public my technologies.

In fact, I have a stop

planned for this evening.

Hording, about 80 miles from here.

Okay, man.

( static popping )

( piano music playing )

( tubes humming )

That's it... twist and turn,

twist and turn,

twist and turn. Good.

Excellent. Excellent.

Ah, a customer.

Yes?

What are the mummies for?

Oh, my dear madam,

they... they are real

authentic mummies

for your enjoyment.

What's he doing?

Oh, he is preparing

the most important scientific

advancement of our time.

What the f*** does it do?

Oh, this machine, my dear madam,

is capable of capturing

the very essence of your mind.

Would you like to volunteer?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes