The Ranch Page #3

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-Tramp.

-Nice, Ma.

I'm only saying what's true.

The girl slept her way across the country.

Maybe it was the jet lag.

We need more lemonade.

Where's your brother?

He's upstairs, I think.

Tommy. We're eating. Come on down.

Sorry. I was just getting things set for later.

Shayna, you don't mind, do you?

Me and the guys

kidnapping Evan for the night?

No, who am I to get in the way

of a good bachelor party?

Just so you know,

we're skipping the whole strip club thing.

-I should hope so.

-Kidding me?

You could get a disease

just looking at some of those skanks.

Sorry, Ma.

Not that either of us would know

about this firsthand.

Thank goodness for small favors.

Eat.

Thanks, Ma.

-I'll see you both tomorrow.

-See you tomorrow.

And get some sleep tonight.

-That was a boatload of fun.

-What?

Oh, good. I thought you'd gone

into a coma there.

It's the day before her wedding.

She's just a little tense.

You are.

Thank you.

Why are you marrying me?

What?

Why do you love me?

Let me see. Because you're hot?

I'm kidding.

I mean, you are, but that's not....

I have this uncle.

Uncle Lou, he's quite a character.

You'll meet him tomorrow.

Whenever he talks about a woman

he really likes...

he calls her a good girl.

"That Audrey Hepburn, she's a good girl."

Anyway, after that first weekend

you and I spent together...

I called him up and I said:

"l finally understand

what you're talking about Uncle Lou.

"l met a good girl."

I'm so glad Chelsea made it.

Elizabeth would have been crushed

if she wasn't here.

I'm sorry we're so late.

There was a mix-up with Chelsea's dad.

So nice to meet you finally.

Yeah, you, too.

-What time do you want me to pick her up?

-No, stay. Please.

-I can't.

-At least have a cup of coffee.

-Okay.

-Come on.

Everybody, this is Chelsea's mom.

-Sorry, I don't know your first name.

-Taylor.

We were beginning to think

you didn't really exist.

This is me.

-I'm Gail, Melody's mom.

-Hi.

That's lnez and Patty. Inez is

Brittany's mom, and Patty's got the twins.

-How's it going?

-Good.

Found it.

Hon, this is Taylor.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, too.

I should get this out

to the karaoke machine. Excuse me.

Thanks.

-Can I ask you a question, Taylor?

-Yeah.

I mean, it's none of my business

and it's probably not even true...

but did I hear correctly

that you work at the Diamond Ranch?

For God's sake.

No, it's okay. That is where I work.

As a....

As a what?

A prostitute?

What do you do, lnez?

I teach yoga.

-You charge by the hour?

-Yeah.

The more clients,

the more money you make?

-That's very cute.

-I wasn't trying to be. It's the same concept.

Probably some of the same positions,

now that I think about it.

Would you excuse me, please?

Apple doesn't fall far

from the tree, apparently.

I'll say it again

I ain't got a $20 gold piece

There ain't nothing I can't do!

I can make a dress out of a feedbag

And I can make a man out of you

'Cause I'm a woman

W-O-M-A-N

It's nothing. They're kids.

She probably doesn't even know

what she's even singing about.

Yeah.

Feed the baby, grease the car

And powder my face at the same time

Listen...

thanks for not busting me back there.

I would never do that.

Rory would die if she knew.

Yep.

I can still come and see you,

though, can't l?

I'll be back to pick up Chelsea

in about an hour.

Woman

A W-O-M-A-N

I'll say it again

-Dude, come on.

-I'm tying my shoe, give me a break.

What the heck for?

It's gonna be off in, like, a minute.

Go for it. It'll put some hair on your chest.

What's to think about?

Take the gorgeous one.

Give me a minute.

It's a birthday present from me to him.

And you know what a good brother I am?

I'm not even having one of them myself.

I only saved up enough money for him to.

Very nice of you.

I'll take her. Jean jacket.

All right, then, Emily. Thank you, girls.

I'll be waiting at the bar, bro.

Knock yourself out.

-Mary, your son's here.

-Really?

Hi, sweetie. What are you doing here?

Is everything all right?

I don't know where my house key is.

I think I lost it at the park.

I'll go get mine. Be right back.

So...

what are you thinking you might like?

I don't want to do this.

Are you not very experienced,

Scotty, is that it?

It's all right. I'll teach you.

Learn on me.

-Baby, are you a virgin?

-No.

Are you gay?

-Forget you!

-Hey, any time you're ready.

I didn't hear a yes or a no.

Yes.

You having a little chat with yourself?

Yes, okay? Yes, I'm a flamer.

There, I said it, you happy now?

So what's the deal,

your brother doesn't know?

It's none of his business.

-That's fair.

-No, wait, I'll pay you for this, okay?

Just let me stay in here

till it's been long enough time.

What's the deal?

It's not the worst lie I've ever been part of.

Not by a long shot.

You do use condoms, right?

When you're with a guy?

Yes.

-Every time?

-Yes.

Just making sure.

And a couple of these.

That's $27 even.

-Can I get a beer?

-Yeah, sure.

Thought I'd get the kid

a couple of souvenirs.

Not that he's ever gonna forget this, right?

That'll be $4.

Thanks, bud.

Scotty's probably doing that chick

pretty good by now.

Probably.

Diamond Ranch.

Yeah, hold just a sec.

Austin, it's for you.

Hello.

What?

Jeez, what's with the sirens?

You want me to get you a beer?

You want me to put some music on?

I'm okay.

You play guitar?

I always meant to learn how.

I had a boyfriend in a band.

I used to go on tour.

-Sing backup sometimes.

-Cool.

I had this fantasy

that somebody would discover me.

"Who's that babe in the back?"

I guess when you're drunk

out of your mind...

most of the time

you're not such a hot investment.

I guess not.

I'm named for a song.

-Not really, but what I use for work.

-How come?

Because some of us

don't use our real names.

Anyhow, I picked Emily.

It's from this record my sister

would listen to when I was a kid.

I don't know that song.

mily

You're the natural snow

The unstudied sea

You're a cameo

-Keep going.

-No.

-That was pretty.

-Thanks.

My uncle, my mom's brother...

he produces shows at the Hilton in Reno.

They're always looking for singers.

I could give him your tape.

Do you have one?

Someplace. Listen, you don't have

to do me any favors or anything.

-I'm not going to rat you out to your brother.

-That's not why I said it.

Okay.

Peter, wait.

Damn it, Taylor, I knew it. She's in there?

-Yes, she is.

-Let go.

Wait, don't go and embarrass her

in front of her friends.

She's not even supposed to be at that party.

I told her.

She talked back to you one time,

big freaking deal.

-Don't you tell me how to raise my daughter.

-Whoa.

-Our daughter.

-My daughter, three out of every four weeks.

Or has that fact conveniently

escaped your mind?

No. Look, I appreciate

how you take care of her.

You appreciate it?

What am l, the baby-sitter?

Did I say that?

I was trying to teach her something.

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