The Ranch Page #4

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And you just swooped right in.

-Just a regular Mary Poppins.

-Hey, pal, I'm not the baby-sitter, either.

And what was so important that

you couldn't let her go to a stupid party?

-You want to know?

-Yeah, I want to know.

Every day she gets more and more like you.

And that scares the heck out of me.

So you can go.

I'll wait for her out here.

I won't embarrass her. I won't punish her.

Go.

There you are. You hiding back here?

Yeah, kind of. What's up?

I'm supposed to let you know

that Mister Mits is here...

and he can't wait to see you.

His words, not mine.

Lucky me.

But he does pay me a fortune.

And all I have to do

is let him snort a little coke off my b*obs.

Hey, I don't need the details.

Sorry. Sometimes I forget

you're not one of the girls.

-Thanks.

-You know what I mean.

-Hey, did you hear about Austin?

-No, what?

His house burned down, electrical fire.

He lost everything.

Shoot.

"And at that moment my love juices

exploded into her...

"and I let out a loud moan

of complete and utter ecstasy.

"And I have to say I'm pretty sure...

"she enjoyed it as much as I did."

Every one of them writes that.

Bless them, if they only knew.

Yetta, can I get a bowl of soup

with some poison please?

-Rough day?

-Kind of, yeah.

-What're you up to?

-Reading my reviews.

The brothel website?

Can I ask you a favor?

This is just, you know, for play.

-Can you help me type a resume?

-Come on, first Shayna, now you?

No. I'm not going anywhere.

It's just to see, hypothetically...

what else I might be qualified for.

If you leave, I'll hunt you down and kill you.

I'll keep that in mind.

Okay, I've never done one of these.

I guess you put down your education first.

-Did you go to college at all?

-Not me, I never even finished high school.

Let's skip that part then.

What do you think

would be your best qualifications?

Professionally speaking.

I give excellent BJs.

-Skilled at oral presentations.

-I like that.

-Exceptional manual dexterity.

-Keen negotiator.

-Works well in group situations.

-Leaving out the words "orgy room."

-Flexible. Stimulating.

-You're good.

Would 69 be considered multitasking?

I don't see why not.

-What's up?

-Nothing much.

Anybody in the mood for a threesome?

I got a live one with deep pockets.

You take it.

Would you mind leaving this here?

No, turn it off when you're done.

Another ebony-and-ivory fantasy.

I'm down with that.

Joke.

-Get you another rum and Coke?

-Thanks.

So what kind of ladies

you got working here?

I'm thinking I might like to party.

Do you want me to call a lineup?

No. I'd feel bad for the ones I didn't pick.

They're used to it. It's part of the job.

-So what's your type?

-Female and breathing.

You might want to be a little more specific.

Well, between you and me,

I really like the colored girls.

The blacker the better. And tall.

Give me a set of long dark legs...

and I'm a happy man.

You're in luck. We've got a girl just like that,

started this week.

Velvet.

I like her already. Is she on tonight?

Yeah, she should be out any minute.

Let me ask you, though, what's it gonna

cost me to party with this Velvet?

I don't know. That's between you and her.

Hey, Velvet, want to come here a minute?

-Hey, what's going on?

-I've got a guy who'd like to meet you.

-Hi.

-Carlos.

You thought you'd get away from me?

What do you think you're doing?

Why, you didn't think

I was going to find out?

You didn't think my other girls

were going to give you up?

-I'm sorry.

-I will really kill you.

You don't even think about it.

Come on.

Leave her alone.

-Lady, what, are you serious?

-I mean it, let go of her.

You totally crazy!

Leave her alone and get out of here. Now!

Are you okay?

I should have known

this guy was up to something.

How could you have?

This is still bleeding.

It's deep,

but I don't think you'll need stitches.

Good.

Let me in there one more time.

I've got some Percocets in my room

if you need them.

I think aspirin will be fine, thank you.

Okay, there.

What was that?

Must have been the loss of blood.

No, seriously.

Seriously, I have wanted to do that since...

-well, how long have you worked here?

-Three years.

Then 2 years, 11 months, and 29 days.

What was wrong with me the first day?

Here you go.

-Cold.

-lce does that.

-Does it hurt?

-Yeah.

-Damn.

-He was your pimp?

A punk rat from the first day I met him.

Keep that on here.

Thanks for keeping me company.

I know I'm probably

not the most popular person now.

Well, it's funny. I feel like I know you.

I guess because I used to watch you

on your show.

Not because we both just did

the same guy together?

No, I think it was the show.

I always thought it was funnier

if I had a little bit of a buzz on.

Yeah, me, too.

-You ever have a pimp?

-No, I didn't need one.

This is a family business for me.

-So, you're related to that David guy?

-No.

My grandmother worked at the Mustang

Ranch back when it first opened.

My mom still puts in a couple days

a month over at the BunnyRanch.

So me doing this was pretty much a given.

Even with you being gay?

He paid me to kiss you.

I don't mean that stuff before,

I mean you with that Emily.

-I see you looking at her all moony-eyed.

-Can we drop this?

I don't get it.

You can't say, maybe you like a girl.

She doesn't know.

Please don't tell anyone.

I won't.

-Don't get too drunk, okay?

-Don't worry. Anyway, Tommy's driving.

Speaking of which, I told the limo driver

to pick you two up at the hotel at noon.

-Have fun.

-Good night.

He is such a nice guy.

Yeah, I guess opposites do attract.

So what do you want to do?

Go back to the room and watch

pay-per-view? Get a massage?

Beth Ann?

I need to talk to you for a minute.

This probably isn't fair to do to you,

but I just....

I need to say this out loud to somebody.

What is it?

Remember Lindsay? She was my roommate

in college, junior year?

Crazy Lindsay, yeah, what about her?

She worked in a brothel every weekend

in Nevada.

-A whorehouse?

-Yeah.

What does this have to do with you?

One time, Super Bowl weekend, she knows

it's going to be busy after the game...

and she says I can go with her.

No. You didn't.

Well, this was after Teddy

had broken up with me.

And you know what a hard time I was

having with that. I just needed somebody...

to make me feel like I was worth being with.

I made $2,000 in, like, a day and a half.

And I was practically failing

my classes anyway...

because you're the smart one.

I never finished college.

And I was never a flight attendant.

-Come on.

-Beth Ann, I know this has to be--

-This isn't funny.

-It's true.

-Stop it!

-Please. I didn't plan this.

-This is just how it worked out.

-You're a prostitute?

I was, but I was going to quit.

-How many guys?

-I don't know.

-Like hundreds?

-Probably.

-I feel nauseous.

-Please, don't throw up.

-I can handle almost anything but that.

-No, I need to get out of here.

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