The Ravenous Tales of Colonel Hart

---

Can I help you?

THE RAVENOUS:

This guy goes to the

doctor for a checkup.

After a while, the doc says,

"Sir, you'll have to

stop masturbating. "

"Why? What for?"

"I'm examining you. "

Another guy goes to his doc.

"You said it was urgent, Doc. "

"Yes, I have good

news and bad news. "

"Start with the bad. "

"You only have a week to live. "

"Sh*t! And the good news?"

"My secretary agreed to go out

with me this weekend. "

Stop! Stop!

Back up.

Keep going.

Stop.

It's Janie and her daughter.

The girl went to school with mine.

C'mon, we'll do it next time.

Come on!

What are you doing?

Vzina!

I shouldn't have hesitated.

But when it's your wife...

One just got his surveyor's diploma.

The other loved to monkey around.

Two nice boys.

If I'd known...

I told you not to.

No, if I'd known...

Known what?

I'd have emptied my bank account

and taken my kid to see Mickey Mouse

like I promised.

You?

- You know Turgeon's girl?

- Katy?

Yeah.

I'd have gone to her door...

...with a big bouquet.

I'd have said to her,

"Hey, Katy,

you know what?

I always liked you.

What are you doing

with that loser Turgeon?"

She'd have slugged me,

she hated my guts.

At school you made

fun of her braces.

It was my way of showing I liked her.

Dumb.

I know.

No.

The idea of going to her place.

Of all the possibilities,

you'd choose that?

No wonder you prefer Roger Moore

to Sean Connery.

Not like Walt Disney

isn't predictable.

The sky's the limit

and you choose to go see a

giant mouse with a stupid smile.

And me to get slapped

by Katy Valaire...

Yup, our lives don't amount to much.

Need something?

You're going to have to strip.

Pardon?

To see if you've been bitten, hon.

Can I get you a beer?

What's left out there?

You're the first survivors

I've met in days.

Take as long as you need.

What do you want?

It's my hunting camp too.

Vzina's not with you?

F***ing Vzina.

He puts down his entire family

and still managed to laugh.

That's Vzina.

And Stevie?

Two days ago we saw smoke at Darveau's,

and he went to look.

He hasn't come back?

Maybe he got bitten.

I'd be surprised.

Where you going?

Does Thrse know about her boy?

You better tell her.

She sure made great muffins.

There's a girl tied to my bunk.

Why's she there?

She claims a dog bit her.

Try not to make too much noise

with your pickup.

Want to know what'll happen?

At first you'll feel weird.

Does it come from the water,

the air, our genes?

Who knows?

You'll think it's a headache.

You'll feel nauseous.

The next day,

you'll get blotches on your skin.

You'll want to see the doctor.

Like everyone else

he's vanished into thin air.

Another day goes by.

You start to feel stronger.

But your fingers turn black

and you spit up molasses.

The next thing you'll realize is

you're kneeling on the kitchen floor,

gnawing on your kid's guts.

I can't hear, he plugged my ears.

Wait. Wait!

Don't go!

Please! Please!

Come here!

- A dog really bit you?

- Yes.

- Tell me the truth.

- I swear.

If it was them, would you say?

I mean, yes! Yes!

Wait!

The gun!

Shoot!

Shoot, f***!

You didn't want a gun?

That's my map.

I've never seen you before.

My dad has a cabin on Trout Lake.

Gotcha!

F***ing Bonin, works every time.

Bonin, Bonin, Bonin...

You never change.

Sure don't.

So, Bonin,

you've been busy while I was away.

So the nerd does more than

just read science.

It's science fiction, Demers.

- What's up?

- Not much.

By the way,

I ran into Gingras's mom.

- What's with her?

- How so?

She tried to bite me.

Did she get you?

No.

Well, I'll be going. Surprise the family.

The prodigy son's returned!

Prodigal son.

Prodigy.

- No, prodigal.

- Prodigy.

Well, then.

Bye for now!

Bye, Demers.

The guy's clueless.

Thinks he's back from a mission

he never went on.

The radio said to wait for help,

but it never came.

My emotions got the best of me.

Big mistake.

When I tried to flee

my wife and sons,

all I wanted was to turn

and yell, "I love you. "

Stupid, huh?

Not really.

So a guy comes to work looking sad.

"Why so glum?"

"My wife left me this morning. "

"You two seemed so happy.

What happened?"

"I had a slip of the tongue,

and she left. "

"What did you say?"

Instead of saying:

"Pass the salt, my love.

I went:

You ruined my life, you cow. "

I wanted to make her laugh.

You there, my pup?

Who's that?

My little pup, you there?

Little pup?

Over.

She doesn't look like

she's ever cooked with Crisco.

She can bathe in orange water,

if she wants.

Seeing how she holds that rifle,

I feel pretty safe.

I want to go to work! Why am I saying this?

I have a friend named Kati.

She owns a sex shop. On hot days like today,

we stand outside in bikinis,

Truckers stop to buy something for the wife.

They ogle, natch. Kati has business smarts.

And I'll never see her again,

I'm stuck in the jungle

with a cornball comic.

And little Zoe.

At least you're here...

Pretty Zoe, so mysterious.

Lucky you, you're mysterious.

Me, I'm the cornball comic.

Me, it's my friend Ti-Guy who I miss.

He's my favorite cousin.

We go on bicycle rides

and play hockey.

He passes to me so I can score.

I'm pretty good.

You'll see Ti-Guy again.

Yeah, when I'm dead.

That's a good one!

I got you again.

The look on your faces!

Wish I had a photo.

Demers, have you finished, dammit?

Hey, Bonin, you...

Looks like your family's growing.

I don't wanna scare you,

but if you ask me,

something's up on Route 8.

Don't go!

I'll be back, ok?

Can we get out?

We'll wait a bit, ok?

You're still grieving

and you lose someone else.

My little pup.

Thrse...

What I saw out there...

I've never seen that.

For weeks we've survived.

We almost felt comfortable.

We saw fewer and fewer of them.

Why'd they come back?

They had no choice.

What do you mean?

They had nothing to eat.

So they came back home.

Someone must be blocking their way.

What about the city?

We have more chance

of survival there.

You did good here.

But the government will

protect cities before villages.

You saying we ain't worth sh*t?

As PM I'd do the same.

Good to know.

Remind me not to vote for you

if you ever run.

We'll barricade the windows better.

Save our ammo.

Not make noise.

We're low on food.

If we tighten our belt,

we'll make it.

Not you, kitten.

You can eat your fill,

you're still growing.

You can't stay here.

Or use the road the

army didn't block.

Those creatures are gathering.

There's no other way.

The house is right on their path.

They know we're here.

I know a bunker.

We have to skirt the

farms on Route 8,

reach the Demers River,

follow Muddy Creek,

take the fork to the dam,

then cross the forest on foot.

What if it's too late?

And someone's already using it?

It's a dog bite.

A jar of pickles, at least.

Dill pickles?

Yeah, they're so good.

There's not enough to go around.

Those jars hold a lot.

Take two.

We don't have room.

I'd take some of this.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes